'AITA for expecting my husband to be able to take care of the kids for one night a week?'

"AITA for expecting my husband to be able to take care of the kids for one night a week?"

My husband (39M) and I (37F) have been married for 11 years and have 3 kids (8, 6, & 3). We both work full-time and our 2 oldest kids are starting to become more active in sports/activities so our day-to-day lives are pretty busy and hectic.

To maintain a sense of self, I have a happy hour every Tuesday with a group of friends. Sometimes it's just an appetizer and a drink and I'm home in an hour or so. But other times we will get full meals and end up gossiping for 3-4 hours.

Last night was one of the long gossiping nights because one of my friends had gone through a break-up. My husband sent me a text around 7:30pm asking when I was going to be home because he was having trouble getting our 3-year-old to bed and needed help. I cut the evening short and got home shortly after 8pm.

When I got home, my husband was reading to our 2 oldest kids and getting them settled into bed. I asked him where our 3-year-old was and he said she was in our room. I found her laying in our bed and it was obvious she had been crying. She gave me a big hug right away and I consoled her and brought her to her room where she fell asleep pretty much immediately.

I asked my husband what the big deal was and he told me that our 3-year-old was refusing to go to bed without me and was screaming at him and throwing tantrums so he left her in our room while he read to the other kids.

I told him that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for him to make me cut my only social time short. He told me that he just asked when I was coming home, he never told me that I needed to come home right away. He said it took me over 30 minutes to get home anyway, so I must have kept talking for a while.

I told him that he should be able to take care of the kids for one night a week so that I can have social time. He got mad and told me that he can take care of the kids just fine but that some nights he just wants to have an idea of when I'm coming home so that he can tell the kids, especially the 3-year-old since she is going through a cling-to-mom stage.

He said the open-ended "happy hour" that turns into a 3-hour meal isn't working for him anymore and he needs me to give him a more structured plan. I told him about my friend's breakup and why we were talking so long and he told me that he doesn't care about whatever gossip we were talking about.

He said he just wants me to be cognizant and aware of the fact that not giving him an expected time to be home makes it more difficult for him to plan the night out for the kids.

He said he's glad I'm getting social time but that I need to be more respectful of how that impacts him and the kids at home. He also said that my comment about him needing to be able to take care of the kids was a low blow and that he would never say anything like that to me.

I told him that one night a week is not too much to ask and that he still could've handled things by himself if he just took a breath and stayed calm.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Famous_Specialist_44 said:

I think you think he messaged you because he wanted you to come home and put the kids to bed which would be unreasonable. However, what you describe is him asking you to keep him updated on your plans which isn't unreasonable. On this basis YTA for exaggerating the issue to make him appear feckless.

SnooRadishes8848 said:

YTA, he’s not telling you to give up your night, and he didn’t insist you come home.

so-very-done said:

YTA He just wants to know the plan and didn’t even ask you to come home. Sounds like he doesn’t even care when you get home, just that he knows what is happening. And then you insulted him and treated him like he’s incompetent for asking something entirely reasonable.

You say you guys tag team all those responsibilities every other night, so clearly he’s a very involved parent. Just communicate your plans with him and stop dishing out low blows.

Ok_Expression7723 said:

YTA. You have three kids, one of which is very little. You leave once a week during their dinner and bedtime without any consistency as to expected time back and this is somehow ok? I wouldn’t be ok with it in husband’s shoes. I think it’s obviously hard on the child.

Your husband isn’t getting the equivalent time off to recharge, which is just unfair to him, but my opinion has to do with how your actions are impacting your toddler, not the unfairness to your husband.

It sounds like he was handling the kids. He didn’t handle the situation well with your youngest, but he didn’t tell you to come home. He asked for an ETA. You’re messing up a routine that your three year old relies on right now. Mom and Dad home for bedtime. You can go out with your friends during any other time when it’s not interfering with your child’s needs. Right now she needs you. She won’t always.

Should a dad be able to take care of the kids? Of course. But even the best parents do not take the place of another person if a child wants the other person. He can be the best dad in the world and the kid could still want mom (or vice versa). I don’t think he handled it well. But I don’t think you handled it well either.

Should a three year old have to feel uncertain about her mother and when she’ll be home because she’s in a stage of life and development when she needs consistent behaviors from her parents? NO.

HolyUnicornBatman said:

YTA. I think it’s reasonable to give him an expected time home, especially when you have a kid who’s attached to you, giving him a hard time. Nothing that he asked for was unreasonable.

If you’re going to be longer, the heads up would likely be appreciated. You also jumped to conclusions, assuming he wanted you home and that he was unable to handle the kids. Give the man a little more leeway and a heads up.

Puttor482 said:

YTA. No, it’s not too much to ask, but there are going to be nights for whatever reason it isn’t going to work out. On those nights your family has to be the priority. If you cannot adjust to that, then that night you may have to skip friends night.

In this case your husband didn’t even ask for you to come home, just what time you WERE going to be home. I have this arrangement with my wife for a game night with my friends, but if the kids are acting up, then I stay until they are asleep and join late, or I just don’t go at all.

loesjedaisy said:

YTA for twisting the question. The expectation that he watches the kids one night isn’t an issue. He has made it clear that it also isn’t an issue to him. He just wants to know when you’ll be home.

Literally tell him you’ll be out from 7 - 11pm every Tuesday, and call it a day. Why are you being so difficult? Why won’t you give the man an answer? Why did you cut your night short and blame him for it, rather than just answer the question he texted you?