Young college student questions future after spending $20K to support unemployed 31yo boyfriend. AITA?
"AITA for being fed up with completely financially supporting my partner?"
ThrowRA0631c
My partner (31M) and I (20F) have been together for almost 2 years now, we met as coworkers and started dating a few months after I left for college. I’m realizing he’s just about ruined me financially and I don’t know if I can continue in this relationship.
For reference, he grew up extremely poor and any money he made went to supporting his parents, who he still lived with when we met, or to buy alcohol (he had a problem but is now sober).
He quit his long-term minimum wage barista job to move in with me where I go to college, and has had numerous jobs since. He had 3 minimum wage restaurant jobs from last October until January, all of which he left after about a month or two because he “couldn’t handle it anymore”.
He was unemployed until mid June, when he got another minimum wage barista job but then quit at the end of July. He’s been unemployed since, and even though I’m a student we’ve been living off of my savings.
In the past, he would pay for his things on his credit card until he reached the $300 limit, and when the bill was due I paid for it as to not affect his credit score. That happened around 10 or so times. I would also pay for his $50 phone bill monthly.
Now, since he has no money again and is unemployed, for the past few months I’ve been sending him $1000 here, $500 there, etc. He pays for all of our expenses with his card (aside from rent, which I cover 100%), but with the money I send him.
This was my idea, and I honestly think this is in part to try and gaslight myself that he’s paying for it, even though I’m basically his only source of income. I have a fear of spending money, I also grew up pretty poor, so it makes it easier to swallow for me when I don’t physically have to hand over the card every time.
I love him a lot, but our financial situation is really starting to weigh on me. Our 2nd anniversary is next week, and I’m realizing in various ways I’ve paid for every anniversary gift, every Christmas or birthday gift, every bouquet of flowers, every little thing he’s ever gotten me. I told him not to get me anything this year, which makes me sad but what’s even sadder is that it’s my money he would use to pay.
We’re moving to a new city in January for an internship of mine and I REALLY need his help contributing financially, he’s been half-assedly applying to jobs here and there but to no avail.
I honestly think a large part of me still holding on is because I have hope that one day he’ll get his life together and I’ll make back all of the money I’ve spent on him. A return on my investment of sorts, I guess. I recognize this is effed up, but I can’t bring myself to end it after spending an upwards of $20,000 on this man.
Should I stick it out to try to get some of my money back? Am I just being materialistic and taking our otherwise great relationship for granted? Am I just being naive thinking that he’ll change, and just give up hope before the situation gets even worse? Please help.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
EmceeSuzy
How much do you have left in savings? How did you manage to save over $20K by age 20 when you grew up poor? Are you getting any sort of student aid? And why are you doing this to yourself?
SuffringSuccotash667
He's dead weight, you could've financed a house or bought a new car with that money. I don't personally know this guy but know people who are like that and they are all losers.
Signal_Wall_8445
NTA. In Economics there is a concept called the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Basically, in investing all that matters is the value of an asset from this moment in time going forward. Instead, people overvalue things because of what they have invested in that thing in the past.
If you have two stocks selling at $5, you should keep the one that is more likely to go up in the future. Instead, people will keep the one they bought at $8, even if it is less likely to go up than the other one, because “they want to make their money back”.
That is exactly what you appear to be doing here. Nothing you write about your partner makes him sound like someone who is getting their act together in the future. Don’t waste more time and money on him because of what you have spent so far.
WhereWeretheAdults
NTA. Cue David Attenborough.
And here we see our classic hobo sexual in his native habitat. Note how he has located and ensnared his preferred victim, the young, naive woman.
This hobo sexual is using all of his charm and normal manipulative tactics to insure he does not lose his victim and the financial support he so desperately craves. The young victim is so enthralled and bewildered by his actions, she calmly accepts the fact that this adult man has only worked three months in the past two years.
Sarcasm aside. Cut your losses and run now. He is a leach and he will suck you dry as long as you let him. If he actually cared about you, he would be out hoofing, finding a job and sticking to it because people who love you don't want to sponge off of you, they want to support you. He's bad news. He's terrible.
Straight-Note-8935
You are 20 years old? I think you are mistaking his need for you as love for you. The way he leaves you to pay for everything while he flails about? That is not loving behavior - that is needy behavior.
He's 31 and barely coping. The things that he is doing are not loving things. Quitting jobs without a plan for the next job, and the way he is relying on you, emotionally and financially, points to a severe lack of maturity...anxiety and depression too. This guy is too big of an assignment for you! You are 20 years old and you have your own life to live.
Sweaty_Country_3658
Ask yourself this, when you’re 29-31 are you seriously going to look at teenagers and think “I’d love to date a kid who just got out of high school” I’m 33, I see anyone up to the age of 23 as tall toddlers who can drink. That's about it. 31 and still can’t look after himself.