'Give me the apartment for my date': Engaged woman’s cruel breakup shatters fiancé. AITA? + UPDATE
"My fiancée dumped me on Tuesday. Today she tells me she wants the apartment to herself tomorrow for her Valentine’s date."
I’ll try to keep this short because I’m so stunned I think I’ve stopped being able to process things. I’ve [26M] been with my fiancé [25F] for 4 years. We’ve been engaged since last year and actively planning the wedding.
Last month, we moved to a new city across the country because my fiancé got an amazing job offer. I wasn’t happy about it since I had to quit my job and all our family and friends were in the city we left. I was kind of a jerk during the moving process, but I’ve come around since getting here.
My fiancé kept talking about this guy [late 20s maybe?] she worked with at her new job, and it made it me uneasy. I went to a few after-work events where he showed up, and he seemed like a total AH. Very full of himself artistic type. I didn’t like the way he interacted with my fiancé and we would occasionally fight about it.
Tuesday night she got home really late, sat me down and broke up with me. She said she felt an immediate bond with this coworker that’s stronger than anything she’s ever felt before.
This from the woman who just a few months ago I held in my arms while watching the stars as she told me she’s never felt more at peace than when she’s beside me. I laid awake on the couch all night feeling like I was continually being punched in the stomach.
I didn’t fall asleep until 3:00pm yesterday, and stayed asleep until this morning when she woke me up. Basically, she’s having this AH over for valentines day and demanded she get the apartment to herself.
Between the move, all the deposits we had been putting for wedding stuff, and not having a job since we moved out here, I have literally no money for a hotel or anything else.
We got into a big fight because I called her out and said she knew I had nowhere else to go. She said that’s not her problem, she’s done solving my problems for me (what???!) and that I needed to fix this one on my own.
I guess his roommate is having a date over so my fiancé offered our place for her date with the AH. She says this is happening no matter what I say. So yeah. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Edit: I appreciate everyone telling me I should stand my ground. I told my fiancee I wouldn't leave the apartment, but I don't think it's a threat I can carry through with. I will be emotionally devastated if I have to watch the woman I love and care for more than anyone else date someone right in front of me in my own home. Other suggestions would be appreciated.
Edit 2 Thank you so much everyone for all your suggestions. I can't keep up with all the comments, it's almost overwhelming given everything that's going on in my life right now.
I'm going to take a walk and try to clear my head. I just can't bring myself to tell my family and friends what's happened. It feels so embarrassing. I like the ideas about trying to reach a compromise. I have a lot to think about.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Oh no. No no no no. Hell no. You're going to park your ass on the couch tomorrow and you are going to refuse to move come hell or high water. Do. Not. Leave. What a heinous move on her part.
brokenhearted118 (OP)
I basically told her I would refuse to move tomorrow, but she said this man was coming over no matter what.
Well then... they're gonna have to deal with having a romantic date with another dude sitting on the couch then, aren't they?
4 years with her and this is how she treats you? Literally parading a Valentine's date in your apartment and expecting you to go sleep outside or something after dumping you a few days ago for this guy? You dodged a bullet by not going through with the marriage.
She doesn't give a flying eff about you. EFF her. Give her the most awkward, tension filled Valentine's date ever by not leaving the apartment. You pay rent. She can't force you out.
Do a trade: she can have the apartment if she pays for your flight home.
A year later, the OP returned with an update.
I’ve [27/m] spent the last year working very hard to improve myself. Now that it’s Valentine’s Day again, I was thinking about what a dark place I was in last year. I didn’t have the strength to post an update back then, but now that I’ve had some time to heal, I wanted to let everyone know how I’m doing.
Thank you all to everyone who helped. You were the only support I had last year, and it meant the world. Part of the reason I didn’t update afterward was because I was extremely embarrassed with how things turned out.
It’s only because of some intense therapy that I’m able to be honest and ok with telling this story. Basically, I decided to make one last big attempt at winning her back.
Right after we got engaged, my ex had a close relative succumb to a longtime illness. This relative was very happy that she lived long enough to see us get engaged. When my ex was a child, this relative had given my ex a charm that she wore ALL the time. A few months after the relative died, my ex lost the charm, and it was like the relative died a second time.
As we packed up the apartment to move to the new city, I found the charm. Rather than give it back immediately, I decided that I would keep it in a safe place and surprise my ex with it at our wedding. I thought it would be a meaningful way to include this relative in a moment where she would be deeply missed.
Somehow, I got in my head that if I showed her the charm on Valentine’s Day, she’d remember everything that we shared and that I could cut through whatever fog she was caught up in.
I was under the impression that my ex would come home after work by herself to get the place ready for her date. I was planning to use this alone time to give her the charm and either win her back, or lose decisively and leave before her date showed up.
But instead, she showed up with the AH from her job. That threw me through a loop big time, and it was INCREDIBLY awkward. He was patronizing. She became LIVID that I “stole” her charm. I struggled to articulate myself. It was the most embarrassed I’ve ever been.
I got out of there and literally walked around all night until it got so cold I couldn’t stand it any more. I went back to the apartment building around 4am, and in what was a personal low point, fell asleep in the hallway outside our apartment.
But that was the low point. There have been high points since then. I was able to move back to my hometown, and my old employer gave me my old job back. I even met someone else and we dated for a while. We just broke up though.
It sucks to be alone again on Valentine’s Day, but I’ve learned it’s ok to be sad every once in a while. And compared to last year, this year is practically a celebration. Therapy gave me a wonder perspective on life and some great coping skills for when times get difficult.
As for my ex, I heard she married the AH guy from work. Her sister would text me occasionally, and apparently her family hates the guy. Whatever, it’s not my problem any more.
Lastly, I want to thank everyone on reddit, sincerely. People offered to buy me a ticket home. Other people offered to hang out with me if we happened to be in the same city. Some people even offered just to skype with me so I could have someone to talk with. Even though I didn’t respond, your messages meant so much to me. Thank you.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Weird that he just held on to this charm after finding it and didn't say anything when it meant so much to her. Like, she is horrible dont get me wrong but there is no way she wouldn't make assumptions based on him bringing it out of wherever he hid it in this situation.
I have to say, you shouldn't have kept the charm. You really thought waiting until your wedding day was a good idea? You shouldn't have kept it so long...But everything else, hey I'm glad it's working out for you!
We can all agree that within the timelines of a breakup, this was a pretty awful move on her part, right?
She had probably mentally checked out a while before the breakup, so, in her mind everything was going according to schedule.
I hate this woman.