Man feels forced to leave after wife’s defense of friend's infidelity and threats of divorce. AITA?
"AITA for filling for divorce after my wife constantly threatened me with one and now she's saying I am being cruel to her and ruining her life?"
I 28m been married to my wife 29f for past 1 year, we dated for 2 and half year, we at first wanted to wait a bit longer but decided to ahead with marriage because we trusted each other, there were no red flags and still isn't except this one, we even had access to each other phones.
The only problem while dating and during engagement was my fil, he never liked me ever since he first met me, he would constantly argue with me, when we declared we are getting married he was livid. My wife convinced him and he reluctantly agreed, everything was going okay in our life until a month ago, my wife's close friend came over to our house.
I overheard their discussion and basically she was cheating on her husband and they were discussing about it, her friend said she wanted to stop cheating but also wanted to hide it from her husband for 'his' and 'their' marriage sake.
After she left I asked her why is she helping her and hiding it from her husband, she said 'her loyalty lies with her friend not her husband' I said it's not morally right and her husband deserves to know, she said that her friend is going to quit cheating and nobody will ever know and I should keep quiet about it as well, everything is going to be okay.
I directly told her that now I am questioning her morality, I said if she doesn't tell him then I will and my wife freaked out and said I will not, my loyalty is with her and hers with me and her friend, I should stay out of it and mind my own business, if I betray her by going behind her back she'll divorce me.
I ignored that but for weeks whenever I brought it up she told me either to stay out of it or mind my own business or threaten me with divorce, 5 days ago we had a huge argument and I had enough so I said I am filling for divorce myself If I knew the kind of woman you are i would've never married you.
I left, but the problem is my wife is constantly texting me and calling me, she's saying I am destroying our marriage for the sake of others, she just wanted to help those who are close to her and I am destroying her life and our marriage over something that doesn't concern us.
Shes saying I am destroying her life because she took a huge loan before we got married to pay her siblings student loans and I promised to help her pay it and i bought my house before we got married so I'll kept it, and alimony will be very less cause our earnings are almost the same.
I said that's not my problem anymore, you showed me your true face and you are defending cheaters, but she, along with her family and even some of my cousins, are saying I am going too far.
I promised to help her and I can't back down and ruin a woman's life when she did nothing wrong to me. So AITA? I didn't want to lose her but how can I trust someone who defends a cheater?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
All of her reasons why “you’re the AH” are because of her own personal interests, do you notice that? “I have debt I DECIDED TO TAKE ON for someone else, if you don’t stay I have to pay it back myself” “You own a house I don’t so I’ll have to pay rent.”
None of her issues with you dissolving your marriage have ANYTHING to do with losing YOU. For me, that’s enough of a good reason to leave. Good luck man. Stick to what you believe is right for you and YOUR life.
Good points. I was focused on the morality issues. I completely missed that OPs wife is only upset about her financial losses at this point. Definitely NTA.
throwawaravi (OP)
I guess you are right, but I just had doubts you know, she took loans before our marriage but only because I agreed to help her with it, even before she took the loan she was a good helpful woman that's why I had some doubts if I am doing the right thing or not.
I have my doubts because I think if my wife did nothing wrong I will lose the one I love and cause her pain but also how can I trust her when she is defending cheaters and helping them? Kinda a difficult decision to make.
She's talking about her life being destroyed, but there's nothing there about you being the love of her life. It sounds more about money and security than her feelings. Just something to ponder. NTA.
I think the issue is this. Friends are supposed to be there for each other, including telling them when they are wrong. I don’t think your wife is wrong for saying that she is loyal to her friend over her friends spouse.
But if she wasn’t staunchly against the infidelity and didn’t tell her friend that directly, I think it’s more than reasonable for you to doubt your wife’s morals. I think most married people know, you don’t use the D word unless you mean it. This really feels like a situation it would have been better to go through before marriage was in the mix.
NTA. Like, if she’s cool with covering for cheaters, that’s a big red flag. Loyalty’s one thing, but morals matter too. You’re not ruining her life; she showed you who she really is. Stay true to yourself, king.
Nah, you’re not the AH. She kept throwing divorce in your face like a threat, so you just called her bluff. Loyalty to a cheater? That’s wild. You’re right to walk if you can’t trust her like that.
NTA. If your wife frequently threatened you with divorce, it’s understandable that you took her at her word. Constantly being under that kind of emotional pressure isn't fair or healthy.
Filing for divorce may feel drastic to her now, but it seems like you made the decision to prioritize your peace and stability. Her claims that you're being cruel might reflect her regret or shock, but you’re not responsible for her emotional response to a situation she played a significant role in creating.
NTA. You stood up for what's right, and she’s the one defending a cheater. If she's gonna keep threatening divorce over something like this, that’s a huge red flag. Trust is everything in a marriage.