'AITA for making my fiancée choose between our bridesmaids?' 'We need to split the party in two.'

"AITA for making my fiancée choose between our bridesmaids?"

Me and my fiancée Lola (both 26F, changing the names for anonymity lol) are currently planning our wedding for later this year. We've booked the venue and organized the reception etc and are currently deciding how our ceremony will go.

As we're lesbians we're trying to steer away from the traditional wedding and have a nontraditional ceremony (eg walking down the aisle together & not being given away).

We went to high school and college together with the same friend groups so we decided to have one small wedding party of bridesmaids for both of us with our six best friends in (including my twin sister) so we don't have to pick and choose between our friends.

The problem lies in Lola's close friend Maia. They did dance together when they were teens and she didn't go to our school so I've never been particularly close with her but her and Lola see each other whenever she's in town and they're still pretty close.

I've never been the biggest fan of Maia as she often lets Lola down and cancels her plans with her for something more exciting or forgets all together, and particularly when we were younger she would make weird comments about our sexuality (she's straight)...

...and ask us to kiss in front of her, ask Lola if she has a crush on her and if she wanted to sleep with her etc. She's often hostile to me when we see each other especially when Lola gives attention to me rather than her.

I've expressed my concerns about her to Lola a few times before because she clearly upsets her but she tells me it's just the way Maia is, and that's just how things go in long distance friendships.

Maia got married last summer and Lola wasn't a bridesmaid (and wasn't expecting to be lol) so I was pretty shocked when Lola asked her to be a bridesmaid in our wedding party, without asking me first. We agreed not to do formal bridesmaid invitations and we just told our friend group over dinner and we never once discussed Maia being a part of it.

She came home from seeing Maia and told me she was gonna be a bridesmaid and we had a big argument because she didn't ask me first, and she knows that I'm not close to Maia and that she makes me kinda uncomfortable. She said that I should accept Maia being part of the wedding because they're childhood friends and that it's only fair considering my sister is a bridesmaid.

I honestly feel uncomfortable that Maia would be a part of our wedding after making weird comments about our relationship before and constantly putting down Lola and I told her that if Maia is gonna be a bridesmaid then we need to split the wedding party in two. She refused to uninvite Maia so I have left her in charge of sorting which friends are in each wedding party which she thinks is unfair. AITA?

Note: Splitting the bridesmaids means that we probably won't be seeing much of the other half of our friend group during the special parts of the day, it's a bad situation all round as Lola now has to pick and choose between our friends who we're equally close with which sucks. But yeah it is my way of taking a stand.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

owls_and_cardinals said:

NTA - mostly focusing on the fact that you were choosing your bridal party together and your fiancee quietly asked someone else without talking to you. It seems like she purposefully went about it this way to take the question off the table or to remove your opportunity to object, which is uncool.

Given the way you describe the wedding, you are not just each choosing your respective bridal parties but have made decisions about your 'attendants' together being essentially one large group you're both close to.

This is a conflict between you and your fiancee and it was a chance to work through something constructively, which your fiancee bypassed, and that's unfortunate. That brings us to whether this person should be a BM or not.

Often in a hetero, traditional wedding, the bride and groom would each choose their attendants and probably would not expect to "veto" one another's selections. But even in that situation if one chose someone who was actively hostile towards the person getting married, that would be really problematic.

Unfortunately you have a fiancee problem. I'm sure you'll overcome this but she is still, it seems, really heavily influenced by Maia (quite possibly she felt pressured to invite her to be a BM when they met up...) and somewhat blind to the negativity she brings into BOTH your lives.

To me your fiancee should be putting your comfort above her desire to have Maia in this honored position, but if she was communicating to you about it more you might have come to feel comfortable with it.

Bibliophile_w_coffee said:

ESH. Don’t split your bridesmaids, do tell your fiancé that it is also your wedding and you don’t want people standing up for you that don’t like you. You don’t want to look back at your wedding to her with resentment and regret. Ask her if she doesn’t like your twin since she made that comment.

I think y’all need to have a deep and honest conversation about how you want the wedding to FEEL. I’d much rather have no bridesmaids and see two people who love each other, than see a group divided or see someone uncomfortable on their wedding day.

Usrname52 said:

ESH. This should be been mentioned to you before she invited Maia. Although not necessarily asking for permission. But you are basically telling your friends "I dont care which ones of you I spend the day with. Sticking it to my wife is more important than trying to work everything together.

Just have everyone walk in pairs, with one group of 3 or something. Do pictures and everything together. But there are SO MANY posts here about people having people in their wedding party that make their future spouse uncomfortable.

If my SO had a friend close enough to them that they'd have them in their wedding party, and that person was so awful to me, I'd be taking a very close look at my SO and why they have that person in their life....not just the wedding.

24601moamo said:

NTA. Marriage is a compromise. I'm more direct. I would say we need to talk to Maia beforehand all 3 of us and hash this hostility out before you agree to let her be in one of the most important days of your life. If she cannot Behave, then you have a fiance problem. Marriage is a commitment of love, trust, and communication. It doesn't sound like your fiancee does this very well. I would give it another year.

Practical-Bird633 said:

NTA. If you're going to do a joint bachelorette situation, you should definitely talk before asking others.

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 said:

NAH. It's weird to merge wedding parties, anyway. She gets to pick the members of her wedding party, and you get to pick the members of yours. I'm a little surprised that you're still holding grudges against a 26 year old for how she behaved in high school, though. Obviously Lola still gets something valuable out of this friendship, or she wouldn't be maintaining it.

Prestigious_Stuff831 said:

NTA. You should be able to look back on your ceremony with lovely memories. This girl is going to ruin it for fun. My wedding was at a Japanese garden and everyone there was close to me and happy. She I’ll be in the wedding photos and you won’t enjoy looking at them with all your heart.