'AITA for not bringing anything to my friend’s potluck?' 'I showed up.'

"AITA for not bringing anything to my friend’s potluck after she told me not to?"

One of my close friends hosted a dinner at her place last weekend. She called it a “potluck” and sent a group text saying we should each bring a little something, drinks, snacks, whatever. It wasn’t anything fancy, just casual.

I asked her what I should bring and mentioned I’d be coming straight from work and might be a little rushed. She replied that I didn’t need to worry about it, she had plenty of food and just wanted me to come.

So I didn’t bring anything. I showed up, said hi to everyone, and honestly, the night was going fine. People brought stuff, a salad, some cupcakes, a couple bottles of wine. I was planning to just help clean up or do dishes since I didn’t bring anything, and I figured she meant what she said.

But later on, while people were complimenting the food, she made this offhand comment like, “Well, not everyone contributed…but we’re still glad she showed up.” Everyone laughed, and it didn’t seem super serious, but I felt my face get hot. I didn’t know how to respond.

I stayed polite and tried not to act weird about it, but I felt uncomfortable the rest of the night. On the way home, I kept thinking about it. I get that maybe she was a little annoyed, but she literally told me not to bring anything.

And now I feel like she put me on blast in front of people for something I didn’t even do wrong. I haven’t said anything to her yet because it feels small and I don’t want to be dramatic, but I also can’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t fair. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

asmah57 said:

Yeah, NTA. That was quite rude of the hostess. If this is someone you value, I'd recommend bringing it up casually. Ask if perhaps there was a misunderstanding bc you thought she said to come anyway. (From your description it doesn't sound like a mistake.) Chances are they will get defensive, but at least you attempted to clear the air.

If you take a couple days and it doesn't bother you as much, you can decide to not bring it up to the hostess. The good thing is that you now have more information. You now know that you can't trust them to be honest in situations like that.

(Imo, it is unreasonable to expect people to read your mind when you tell them the opposite of what you really want. Like requesting no gifts for a birthday, then pouting.)

AMissKathyNewman said:

NTA, HOWEVER I feel like your text to her may have been a bit manipulative. The whole ‘I’ll be rushed I’m coming from work’ was really irrelevant and wouldn’t have stopped you buying a bottle of wine, leaving it in the car and then contributing to the pot luck. It could have easily come across as you trying to get out of contributing.

It would have been so simple to say nothing and just bring something non perishable. In future just do this. It may be worth also looking over your messages to see if they could be interpreted as you trying to get out of contributing. In saying all that, if she has told you not to bring anything then she can’t turn around and have an issue with it, hence the NTA.

zmartinez20 said:

ESH in my opinion. Common sense is important. What was she supposed to say? “If you can’t bring anything don’t come?” You don’t show up empty handed. You would’ve been a couple minutes late and felt a lot better about eating what everyone else brought.

If it were an expensive dinner everyone paid for and you ate free, you’d feel differently. But I think you would’ve been spared the embarrassment if she had said just to not come, or if she didn’t make that comment in front of everyone.

Definitely went out of her way to humiliate you, but it was either do it in front of you or talk behind your back. Both AHs but I don’t think you had any actual bad intentions, just need some lessons on social norms maybe.

MotherofCats9258 said:

ESH, it's rude to show up to a party, especially a potluck empty-handed, that's why no one else did that. Asking to attend but not contribute to a potluck is fairly rude to begin with. It puts the host in an awkward situation because they don't want to be rude and uninvite you, but they'll have to provide extra food they may not have planned or budgeted for.

All of the other guests are spending time and money to provide, but you don't have time for that, though you have time to show up and eat. It's also rude for a hostess to make fun of her guests, even if the guest is taking advantage of their hospitality.

Worried-Horse5317 said:

YTA, you put her in an awkward position by mentioning you'll be rushing after work, I mean everyone works...you should've gone the day before and picked up something. It isn't nice to go to someone's house empty handed.

brasscup said:

NTA, but you could easily have picked up cookies or cupcakes from a supermarket bakery BEFORE you went to work and left them in the trunk to bring to the supper. Just something to remember for next time though..You didn't do anything wrong, it's just nicer not to arrive empty handed.

yourshaddow3 said:

YTA. I don't buy your innocent act. She did tell you to bring something when she invited you to a potluck and asked you to bring something on the invite. Honestly I think you asking what to bring since you were coming straight from work was more you trying to get out of bringing anything.

Have you never been inside a grocery store? Most things don't require refrigeration that you could have brought to work with you and kept at your desk. Like why did you need to ask what to bring? I just don't get it. It's a casual potluck. A bag of chips is better than nothing.