'AITA for telling my husband he needs to quit his dream job?'

"AITA for telling my husband he needs to quit his dream job?"

So I (32F) and my husband (29M) live in an area with an extremely high cost of living. I work a job that pays decently well, which is kind of necessary to live where we do. My husband worked a job for years that paid less than mine did, but was okay overall, though he absolutely hated working there.

Around October of last year, my husband managed to get a job in his dream career field. He had been working at it for years, and was really excited about finally getting there.

The big issue is, the pay in his field is abysmal. He works as a freelancer (which is standard in his industry) so his job has zero benefits, and it's a pretty significant pay cut from his old job.

We don't have combined finances, and after he took the new job, we had to rearrange how we pay for things to account for his lower income. Previously, he had covered a slightly larger percentage of the expenses due to me having student loans to pay off while he didn't.

As it is now, I have to be the breadwinner since his income was basically halved, paying for a larger portion of the expenses. I sat him down recently and told him I felt he needed to quit his job and find a better-paying field because it just wasn't feasible.

He got upset, since like I said, this is something he's dreamed of for years and worked really hard to get, which I understand. But I just feel this isn't fair to me. We've had to cut back on a lot of things and there's not really any sign of a pay increase at this point. I feel like I'm carrying him.

He offered to get a part-time job on the side, but I know anything he could get that would be feasible for him while keeping his current job wouldn't provide much.

He suggested we move somewhere less expensive, to which I said absolutely not, since we'd have to go quite a ways to find something in that range and it'd mean ridiculously long commutes to my work and being further away from my family. He offered to have his parents help, which I don't want because it's not a long-term solution.

He's extremely upset, and I understand it, because I know he worked hard to get here. If he quit now, it'd basically kill his career and it would be extremely hard for him to get another shot at this job.

It's not like we're struggling, which is true, we can pay rent and put food on the table, but I hate feeling like this. I work long days at a rather difficult job, while he works from home doing something he did before as a hobby and only makes half as much money now.

My point is that it's not like he has to stop doing what he does altogether, since as I mentioned, he did it as a hobby beforehand, but he's upset because he said this is the only thing he's ever wanted to do career-wise and giving it up now would mean he likely never would be able to make it work.

AITA? I understand this is important to him but I'm starting to resent him because I feel like the burden of our finances are being placed on me and we've had to cut back on a lot of things.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Fun_Charge_8311 said:

YTA. It would be one thing if his pay cut had made it so you were truly financially struggling. But from what you said, you’re not.

Isn’t it more important for your husband to be happy and fulfilled by his work than to have some extra luxuries? Also, it sounds like he’s trying to find compromises, and you’re not.

MustardOnFlannel said:

YTA. What have you tried to do yourself? Just because you make more money and work long hours doesn't mean the onus is on him to "pull his weight." It doesn't sound like he's being a lazy freeloader to me.

He worked a job that made him miserable to help get your student loan debt paid off, now he's finally happy. It sounds like you're the one that wants to live in an expensive way in order to keep your current job and be near your family.

You you you. What are you doing for him? Have you considered getting a different job or pursuing a promotion? Why can't you find a way to live that doesn't require him to be miserable?

herivereverflows said:

YTA. “I feel like I'm carrying him." The way he carried your student loan riddled a#s for years?

[deleted] said:

YTA. Sounds like this is a stepping stone job. You’re both relatively young in life and career. I’m operating under the assumption there are no children yet given you didn’t mention them. Give the man some time. If you don’t, he’ll resent you for the rest of your lives or time together.

Patient-Worry-8596 said:

YTA. In all honesty, what it sounds like here is that because he quit a job he hated but stuck with it to support YOU for 4 years, and then got his dream job after you graduated (with student loans of course).

YOU are no longer to afford the area you live in but, are still getting by. Still able to pay the bills, mortgage/rent, car payments, insurance, etc... plus whatever else yall spend money on. So it's not like you are struggling here and scraping by or at risk of being homeless.

You just don't have all the extra leftover money that you are used to and don't want to give up your extravagant lifestyle. Tough cookies girl. If you genuinely love him then you should be supportive of his current job and either accept it or, find a higher paying job, or simply move to a cheaper area.

CanvasFanatic said:

YTA, So you both collectively make enough to cover your expenses, but you want him to quit because it bugs you that you make more than him? Yikes, lady. This isn’t heading anywhere good.

Here are OP's answers to questions:

I don't think either of us realized what the reality of the pay would be. He gets a flat rate for the amount of work he does so it's not exactly a set salary.

There's no guarantee of him ever making more. It could happen, it could not, but unless he suddenly becomes massively famous in the field it's never likely going to be significantly much more.

It's a difficult field to break into, and he gets paid a flat rate rather than based on how long he works.

He works an artistic job in a field that's somewhat hard to get established in, he's signed on for certain projects but gets paid a flat rate for the work he does. He works from home, but my job is based in our city and give I make most of the money, risking a move doesn't seem like a big idea.

Being a freelancer was his dream job. It's an industry that's not the easiest to break into.

Our finances were split around 60/40. Now it's like 30/70.

I work 40 hours a week. His hours are a bit sporadic due to them depending on the nature of the works he has to get done.

My issue is that I still have student loans to pay off on top of that.

It's not that I'm unsupportive, it's that I don't think it's feasible for how much his job requires.

I know if he was on his own he'd want to move back to his hometown which is relatively small and has a lower cost of living, so if it was just him he could probably make it work there, but even so he probably wouldn't be living large or anything.

I understand why it's important to him, but if it's not feasible, it's not feasible.

Everything I've heard about his industry is that no one, even some of the more famous people in his field, make much money at all, and the most successful people have to rely on their spouses when work is slow.

As far as I know, no. He just plans on doing this for the rest of his life. He can save some, but it's not that much given how expensive of an area we live in. We have no plans to have kids at the moment but if that were to somehow happen I'm honestly terrified at how that would go financially.