'AITA for forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a SAHD?' UPDATE & RESPONSE
"AITA for forcing my husband to choose between divorce and being a SAHD?"
Long story short, my husband (37M) used to work to support the family while I (36F) stayed home taking care of our 2 y o daughter. Last month, he lost his job and told me he felt exhausted and wasn't eager to do anything. I said okay and offered to work so he could look after our daughter at home and get some rest until he feels better.
By the way, our daughter goes to daycare, so it's mainly some housework and picking her up. But he said no, he needs his time to be completely free. I got furious because this means either I work while also taking care of our daughter, or our family will face significant financial pressure.
But I stepped back anyway and had a hell of a month doing everything while he hung out with his friends and played PS5. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him he had to choose between being a househusband or divorce. He chose the first, but it felt forced.
I keep questioning myself: was I too harsh? Any good advice would be appreciated. I need to know, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA adults with children don't get to have their time "complete free".
NTA. Johnny doesn't get to re-live being 13 on the back of his spouse's labor.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
Thank you, I wish I would have been able to tell him this.
Have you tried couples counseling?
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
He wouldn't go, I feel he doesn't care about it.
Update 1:
I never thought this would draw so much attention. I'm trying to read as many comments as I can and I really appreciate your opinions, especially those pointing out things I should have told him and I didn't. I've decided to show him the post after work and see if we can have a real talk based on that. Again, thank you all.
Update 2, after showing her husband her post:
So, I got off work, picked up my daughter, and showed my husband the post after she fell asleep. I told him that millions had seen it and made various points. I admitted that my ultimatum was an impulsive reaction and that I preferred having a calm discussion to work through this.
He said he was surprised I shared family matters on the internet and that he wouldn't have done it. He said he wasn't feeling depressed, just tired and exhausted after years of working, and he just wanted to be childish for a bit and really enjoyed the month off.
I kind of understood because we used to travel a lot before our daughter was born, and life has been harder since then. I told him I wouldn't force him to work and that he could take his time as long as he could pick up our daughter and do the housework. He hesitated but told me not to worry.
I thought this was the end of it. Then, the next day, I came home from work to find his mother there. I was shocked because he hadn't told me anything. She started picking up our daughter and doing the housework. This is driving me crazy because I have never gotten along with her well, and my husband knows this. I feel like he asked her to come so he could continue being childish, disregarding how I feel.
His mother raised him as a single mom, and according to my husband, she was very protective and planned to live with him for his whole life. He felt suffocated, so he went to a university far from home and reduced contact with her. I remember one time she came and got sick, vomited, and I cleaned up her mess.
Suddenly, she asked her son to come and told him that her underwear was dirty and needed to be washed by hand that very night, even though we had a washing machine. My husband and I had agreed that our marriage was ours and that she wouldn't come and live with us. He broke his promise.
I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while, but these days of living with her are already driving me crazy, and I don't see a quick end. I've thought about being an AH and forcing her to leave, but that might lead to divorce. I really need some advice. Thank you all.
Here's the advice people had for OP:
Dude. This winner outsourced his parenting to someone you don’t even like. Wow. I think I would give him one chance to send his mom home and fix it, before I find a lawyer and file for use of the marital home on the basis that you will be handling childcare.
This crossed my mind too.
The best news is that your daughter is so young that once you get through the transition she will just grow up with you two being divorced. My bio parents divorced when I was two. I have no memories of them ever being together.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
This helps me a lot, thank you for your words.
If you stay, you will teach your daughter to also choose a man who mistreats her. Imagine your daughter married to a man just like her Dad with a MIL just like yours and then make your decision.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
I would hate myself if this scenario really happens , you have a point. Thank you.
File for divorce ASAP. You want him to still have recent income history so he will be deemed having an earning potential. This will save you from being on the hook paying him child support, instead either you will be even or maybe he pays you child support.
Either way you are carrying everything alone now, one less person to support might free up enough to hire a housecleaner once in a while to ease your load.
Also, you can kick someone out of your home. You have rights. Your husband you probably can't kick out, but dang just straight faced eye to eye tell your MIL "you are not welcome, you need to leave."
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
This alone part freaks me out. But I'll face it. Thank you!
See a lawyer to find out exactly what to expect if you decide to divorce, how things will work with sharing your child, division of marital assets, how long it takes and what steps you need to take to protect yourself. Then have him served initial paperwork.
Just because you started paperwork it doesn’t mean you have to follow through with the divorce. You can put a stop to it if that’s what you want. But, be prepared to follow through. Don’t take this action as a bluff.
My wife works longer hours than I do so I regularly do dishes, laundry, shopping, cleaning and the majority of the cooking. She does those things too but she often thanks me for “keeping her alive” when she gets home and dinner is cooking. I can’t imagine not trying to help the person that does so much for me and our marriage.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
Good idea, I might start with paperwork, see how this goes. Thank you!
NEW UPDATE: Husband's response (7 days after the second update):
I found out my wife posted about our situationt, so I thought I should share my side too. I lost my job in May and wanted some free time because life after having a baby feels suffocating. I've always been a free spirit, working and traveling, and then I met my wife, J. This lifestyle continued, and we traveled a lot, from Tibet to Antarctica.
I was a seller, and she had a great business selling replica bags, making enough for us to enjoy our lives. We hit it off, got married, and had a great time together. We even considered being child-free and consulted an older couple on an Antarctic cruise, whose happiness convinced me this could be our future.
The thing is, my mom really wanted a grandchild. At the time, I didn't think much of it and felt it wasn't a big deal, so I discussed it with my wife, and we decided to go ahead. Her pregnancy was tough; she had severe morning sickness, and I felt really sorry for her. After the baby was born, she wanted to focus on the baby, and I agreed to hold the family burden alone.
Life then became all about work, with no more traveling or other interesting stuff. So last month, I had enough. No more working, no more baby duties, and we agreed to give me a trial break. The past month was quite healing until one day she got mad and suddenly gave me an ultimatum of divorce.
I didn't want a divorce, so I started doing housework, which I wasn't prepared for. Then last week, my wife came home and asked me to talk, showing me her post about us in this sub. She said millions of people had read it and called me an immature AH.
I was pretty upset and asked my mother to help with the housework so my wife would be relieved and, to be honest, to call her bluff. She's not happy, of course, and neither am I. We've barely talked since then, kind of a cold fight. These days, I've caught her several times watching her phone for a long time and sometimes crying.
I believe she posted about us again, and I've been waiting for her to talk even though I wanted to start the conversation but got cold feet feeling the tension in the family. Writing this is easier.
So here I am. This is my first and last post about it. I just want to share my side of the story. And J, if you see this, I'm ready to talk anytime.
Here's what people had to say to OP's husband:
You expected your wife to be happy working full time, earning all the money for the household, doing childcare and all the housework so you could have a break? Do you even LIKE your wife (you obviously don't love her)?
Would you like your wife to do the same to you? If you couldn't manage even half of the load, why do you think it's fair that your wife has to do the lot? And when your wife burns out from trying to do it all, what is your plan then? To put all the load on your mother?
The last month has shown your wife that you are expendable. She CAN manage without you, because you are failing to take any role in the house, and making her life harder. ReYTA
dsteven88 OP responded:
I worked 2 years without rest, this is suffocating.
YTA, but if you ever figure out how to quit your job, travel the world, and be a responsible parent, please let the rest of us know.
dsteven88 OP responded:
I didn't see this, I might have crossed a little bit.
OP responded after seeing her husband's post:
I've been hesitating because we had a great time, and I have been loving you; I didn't talk to you these days because I wanted to see if you would send your mother home and talk.
I update now because, as you said in the post, I see you and want everyone, especially those who told me you might have been depressed, to see you. I can't believe you'd rather defend yourself in a post than talk to me face to face. If that's how it is, let's do this.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Cocomelon3216 says:
Just read his post, unbelievable he feels suffocated because he worked for two years so now he wants an extended break with no responsibilities, not even household chores or picking up his child from daycare. Because an entire month off wasn't enough.
He's incredibly immature and isn't ready to be a husband or a father. It's a pity this didn't come to light until after you already had a child with him. At the moment, you are working and looking after two children. Get rid of the adult sized one and your life will be better.
Hand him back his rings with divorce papers, u mistakenly married a man baby instead of an actual man
He's showing you who he is...it's not all about him anymore, so he is finding ways to get attention. That attention seeking behavior will eventually tear you apart, if it hasn't already.
Joanna_Queen_772 OP responded:
This! Exactly how I have been feeling after I saw his post.