Former baker refuses to ever make a cake for brother, 'I'll keep baking for the rest of the family.' AITA?
"WIBTA if I never made a cake for my one brother again even though I'll keep making them for the rest of the family because of how he treated me at his wedding?"
My brother (20M) and his fiancé (20F) asked if I would make their wedding cake. Context, I was a professional baker for years but am not disabled, use a wheelchair and have very limited energy, so I don’t do cakes professionally anymore, only for loved ones.
I was happy to do it as my gift to them. We talked, and agreed on a 3 tier, white, sage and gold cake with lots of white flowers and greenery. SIL said she would give me flowers for the cake so it would match hers.
week of- I baked 16 cakes, stacked, filled and decorated them all into a beautiful 3 tier cake. This took me 30+ hours, and every bit of energy left in my poor disabled body. But hey, he's my brother, he’d do the same for me right?
day before- Mom was tasked to bring me the flowers for the cake, but when I saw them I learned they had changed their colors, the flowers were all orange and yellow. Not the white flowers & greenery I’d made this cake for.
SIL only gave mom a few flowers, but the cake she asked for had TONS, so I had to go out to get more after spending the last 13 hours on this cake. Plus my brother called to ask if he could pick up leftover flowers cause I took so many.
day of- My mom calls me to warn me that the venue, outdoors, is mostly paved but very steep and that it’s going to be hard for me to move. Part was being held in a field that would be incredibly difficult for me to roll across.
I got out of photos late because they had not told the photographers that we needed anything with me in it first so that I could go. But we did make it in time to set up the cake, it looked cute, the flowers and greenery I got to mix in worked out.
Then was the part that was held in a field. A friend offered to push me but I decided that since the whole family was watching, may as well give them a show. I chose to roll into place myself, this looked horrible.
I was clearly having a hard time getting around. My other friend sitting in the crowd said that everyone around her went silent and stared in discomfort with how difficult this was for me.
That’s when I learned there was no accessible bathroom. Mom had to help me onto the toilet with the door wide open and multiple people helping us. There was no note on how many guests can park so someone was in the lines of the accessible spot that made it so I couldn’t get anywhere.
We had to go get them to move their car and the guy who’s car it was treated me horribly. That’s when I broke down in front of the whole family, crying and shaking from embarrassment, exhaustion and betrayal.
As soon as that cake was cut, I went to tell the bride and groom “bye” and told my brother we are going to have a talk later. I am going to tell him that I’m never going to make him anything ever again. If they want cake, they need to buy it. They showed that they are not willing to put in even a fraction of the effort or thought that I give to them.
Here's what people had to say about this one:
tossaside272 said:
NTA as someone who is disabled as well and sometimes needs a wheelchair from time to time to get around, it was completely wrong of your brother to disregard your needs when you went above and beyond to fulfill his wish for a wedding cake.
For people in our position, energy is limited, and we must be careful how we spend it. Your brother knew this and chose to take advantage of it. He showed that his love for you isn't much if he couldn't even tell the photographers about your disability.
From now on is he wants a cake to remind him it's only for loved ones, and he clearly shows that you aren't by him. Why was your family okay with how your brother treated you?
When your decision to not bake for your brother is known, dont let anyone tell you to turn the cheek because they will continue to see you as a means to an end and not a family member.
ScaryButterscotch474 said:
OP this is not about a cake. This is about your brother not understanding and making accommodations for your disability. Keep the talks to the issues. If you make it about the cake, there will be a sh$@storm.
PhillipTopicall said:
NTA - they expected hours and hours of free labour from you but couldn’t even give you (or the other guests) a heads up about the venue? That shows they were only thinking of themselves. Which on your big day is reasonable to some extent but not this length when you know one of your guests has special needs.
They didn’t allow you to even prep, or inform the other guests not to park in a way that would block you from even leaving if you needed to. So much effort just to be so highly embarrassed…nah, put your love where it’s worth because it ain’t there.
Accomplished_Ad_1436 said:
NTA. You did an effort for him, he didn’t think of you other than when he needed the free cake.
PassComprehensive425 said:
NTA - All your brother and his wife thought about was their wedding and getting a free cake. They will need more cakes in the future for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. They can buy them just like everyone else and as they will soon find out good ones are expensive. Never bite the hand that feeds.
And don't let people tell you to bake them to keep the peace. Hand them a recipe and tell them they can bake a cake to keep the peace. Watch them try to back out because it's too much work.
Saltysponge said:
Absolutely NTA. Heard this story first hand from a wedding attendee. Feel horrible you had to go through this.
PDK112 said:
NTA. Is your mother upset by how you were treated? If so, it may be better if she and your side of the family read your brother the riot act before you speak to him. That way, he can realize that he messed up. If it only comes from you, he may try to down play it or make excuses.
In a comment, you mentioned that the bride's family planned the wedding. It is possible that they were not aware of the extent of your disability and failed to plan for proper accommodations.
Even if your brother and SIL mentioned it to them. Unless you deal with family members who are disabled, it is easy to be unaware of their needs. I have become much more aware of how poorly designed public access is for wheelchair users since my MIL started requiring one and I take her to appointments.
NTA, they were really inconsiderate and could have put in more effort to either find a more accessible venue or add accommodations. It's not like they didn't know you'd be there or that you're disabled.