'AITA for refusing to hang out with my friend anymore if her family keeps tagging along?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my friend I won't hang out with her anymore if her family keeps tagging along?"

Me (28F) and my friend Danielle (28F) have been friends for 10 years, we met in college on the first day of class and hit it off right away. She's always been really close with her family and I always thought that was so sweet since I'm not very close to mine. After graduation, she moved back in with her parents and I moved into a house with roommates.

A year later I got a job and moved to the other side of the country for 4 years. Danielle and I would text everyday and Facetime at least once a week just to keep up with each other. I visited every year around Christmas time, and she visited me a few times too.

I moved back to my hometown a couple years ago and I got to see all the little details that Danielle that she forgot to mention. Not only does Danielle have a full-time adult job with a salary, she still lives at home with her parents who don't charge her for rent/phone/or any other bills.

Her mom packs her lunches and dinners, does her laundry, cleans her room, and even though Danielle's had her license since 16, her parents drive her everywhere (even to work).Her parents have a lot of power over her. Last year our friend group planned a day trip to Seattle but she forgot to tell her parents. Her mom yelled at her and told us she wasn't allowed to come. Mind you, this was last year....we were 27.

We went on a girls trips last summer (a week long) and Danielle told us the day we were leaving that her parents were coming too but in their own car. We were all shocked because any normal person would have convinced them NOT to come. Suddenly the trip didn't seem as exciting.

The destination was 6 hours away, and she had passed on our whole itinerary to them so they would be eating and going to the same places we were. When we brought this up with her, she didn't see the problem with it and said that her parents could go wherever they wanted since it's a free country. Every time thereafter, her parents would show up to our hangouts.

We'd go to the beach for a picnic, I'd see her parents walking along the shore. We'd go to a movie and her parents would be 5 rows behind us. Since last summer, I've realized that we're just really different. I'm a lot more independent, and as much as I would LOVE to have my lunches packed for me, not have to pay rent or bills, and have someone do my laundry.

I also really value having the freedom to drive myself to work and not having to ask permission to go somewhere, much less having my parents tag along on outings. It's clear that our twenties have been experienced very differently.

The most recent situation happened when our friend group wanted to go on a Christmas trip to Leavenworth (a Bavarian Christmas town). Our mutual friend joked that "maybe Danielle's parents will come too". Her response? "Yeah they looked up the place and thought it was cute so they're thinking of coming too". Everyone just stared at her.

I took her aside and we had a conversation about spending time away from her parents. They ARE free to do whatever they want, but maybe they could also do those things at different times than we do. I also told her that I didn't feel like hanging out with her sometimes because it felt like a package deal. She was furious and yelled at me.

She told me I was an a$$hole and that family was really important to her, that I'm just jealous because I don't have a family. (ouch) Our friend group decided to cancel the trip, and even though I was really looking forward to it, a few of us voiced that we didn't want our first time there to be with Danielle's parents who invited themselves.

It's been 2 weeks since she's texted me back, and the longest time we've gone without contact. So fam, what do you think? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

EggplantIll4927 said:

Sometimes friends are here for a reason or a season. Her season is over. Anyone who is that enmeshed and controlled? No thanks. You do realize every single thing you’ve shared w her over the decade? Her parents know every single thing about you and your friends you’ve ever discussed. I’m betting every thing you guys talk about she repeats to her parents because that’s how they roll.

I would end my friendship, it’s run its course. I can imagine strict parents doing this w their minor children. But 27? She is going to be so messed up when they pass. But for now? Your friend group has continued to mature and stretch your wings. Her wings have been clipped.

OP responded:

YES I'm sure you're totally right, I feel like if her family told her not to be friends with me she would probably end it.

SnooWords4839 said:

Danielle needs to look up enmeshment.

Top-Bit85 asked:

How do her parents handle dates? Or do they not allow her to date?

OP responded:

She's never dated anyone because they said their first date needs to be dinner at the house with the family so they can meet him. I don't know anyone who would agree to that to be completely honest.

AlannaAdvice said:

Don’t understand why you canceled the trip. Why not reschedule for a different day and not tell her? She’s clearly codependent. It’s so unhealthy

OP responded:

We cancelled because there was a lot of contention in the group chat after the initial planning. One of the boys couldn't read the room and wrote "let's just not invite her", and she read it. It was just really awkward and a mess in general so we'll schedule it for another time if not next year.

And forgetregret1day said:

Yeah this is really creepy and extremely unhealthy. Your friend group are all adults and having someone’s mommy and daddy along on trips and events is just bizarre. She’s free to live as she sees fit but being her friend has to be difficult and her low blow about your family situation was mean and uncalled for, but it says a lot about her lack of maturity and understanding boundaries.

I don’t know the answer to how you move forward, but in the end you’re not going to change her mind. She’s too deeply intrenched in her very unhealthy“family” life. That might be a dealbreaker for you.

And OP responded:

Exactly, she's already demonstrated that she can't have a real conversation without getting defensive. And hurting my feelings in the process really sucked, especially since I thought we were going to be friends for a long time :/

A month after her original post, she shared this update:

First and foremost, thank you for all the advice and comments on my original post. After a month and a half of no-contact I've decided to move on from my friendship with Danielle. She hasn't reached out and I think she might have blocked my number. My therapist once said "you can give yourself closure whenever you want" and as sad as it is, I can't keep doing this.

We've had some really good times but if she doesn't want to resolve this, then I guess that's it. I'm giving myself time to mourn the loss of our 10 year friendship, and I hope she gets out of whatever's happening with her family. I have no doubt that her parents are really supportive of her decision to cut me out. They're her friends now.

On another note, my friends and I ended up going to Leavenworth last week and we had a really, really great time (thank you to everyone for the recommendations). I wish everyone well for the New Year, and I'll be looking to make new and better friends in the future.