Woman's friend says she is, 'using her boyfriend;' she calls her a hypocrite. AITA?
"AITA for calling my friend a hypocrite when she pretty much insinuated I was using my boyfriend"
Throaway_8679
Ok, so for some background, my friend Kay and I (both 30F) have been best friends since high school.
We're both resident doctors, Kay comes from money I don't.
My boyfriend (30M) who I have been with for just under 4 years earns significantly more than I do now (low 7 figures to my 55K (non-US) we also live in a famously high-cost city) and I can't financially contribute as much as I'd like.
When we go on expensive trips or pricey restaurants he will usually pick up the tab, I spend weekends and what little time I have at his place rent-free (he outright owns his place and due to my job I'm moving a lot and can't afford to double rent. I also buy groceries for our place and have to pay for a lot for my widower father who's on a small pension and struggling with bills because of inflation)
I could in theory contribute more but it would completely empty out my rainy day/emergency fund and I'd rather go without if my choice was to pay for them myself or not go - my boyfriend is aware of this happy to pay
His argument is that he wants me there with him and wouldn't want to go without me anyway so he's happy to pay (he also nixed my suggestions of budget/cheaper places)
I know this for a fact because our income inequality is a source of significant insecurity for me which has lead to some fights - so all I can say is this is a well trod road between the two of us and he's comfortable with it and so am I.
Kay, is not, every time I mention a date night we had or any activity/event/trip we have been on she'll make snide remarks about how I'm "spoiled." When Kay got into med school her father bought an apartment so she didn't have to stay in student digs, when she got her residency her father bought her a new BMW.
When Kay wanted to buy a house her father gave her 1.5m $ - she doesn't pay her own health or car insurance, has never paid rent, her money is "fun money" she uses to buy designer bags and clothes and yet criticises me for being "so frugal" and not "treating myself" not seeming to understand that just because we have the same salary doesn't mean we have the same money.
Last week we were planning a small trip (that I have had to save for for months) she wistfully looked at a 5-star hotel (knowing it was way out of my budget) I mentioned that I'd stayed in their branch in Morocco with my boyfriend.
She laughed when I said I didn't know how much it cost "of course you don't, because you never pay for anything do you?" She then went on to insinuate that I'm embarrassing being so financially dependent on a man.
I got angry and told her that's rich seeing as her daddy pays for everything she got flustered and said "that's different" now my friends are calling me an AH and telling me I need to apologise to her. I feel like maybe I crossed a line but then again I'm afraid if I apologise that will just give her the validation she needs to constantly mock me and my relationship.
I should elaborate because people are gonna point it out my friends aren't saying I'm in the "wrong" more that I need to be the bigger person for the sake of the friendship/friend group.
I'm the more passive and and accommodating of the two of us so I'm usually the one to fold or go along with what other people want so I suspect that this is why I'm being pressured to apologise.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
EmeraldAthenry
ESH here except your boyfriend. He sounds solid. You and Kay aren’t friends, you’re frenemies. You get along well enough but don’t seem to really like one another.
It’s time to stop conversations around money and lifestyles or the two of you will continue to escalate until one of you says something that can’t be walked back. It’s no one’s business how the other funds their lifestyle. All that matters is that both of you can hold up your end of an agreement when you’re both spending money together.
magentahorse91
How is it ESH? The only asshole here is the friend sticking her nose in business that doesn’t belong to her and for being a flaming hypocrite. She should’ve just shut the heck up and ate her food instead of making snarky comments on OP’s financial situation. OP rightfully pointed out her hypocrisy after that idiot kept flapping her gums on matters that didn’t concern her. NTA.
Fantastic_Bunch3532
Am I the only person who thinks Kay is jealous of OP having landed such a dude?
The OP responded here:
Throaway_8679
Honestly I'm starting to suspect this might be the case. I initially dismissed it (even though this hostility seemed to start around the time we passed the two-year mark and started getting very serious/making plans to move in together etc)
...because he is not at all her physical type, one of the reasons we got on so well as hormone-addled teenagers is the complete lack of sexual jealousy as we have wildly different types.
In a nutshell ,she goes for buff extroverted jocks whilst I prefer reedy bohemian types and introverted nerds like myself (I will preface this by saying I 100% don't look nerdy and it has caused me a lot of dating woes in the past that my face doesn't "match "my personality so to speak.
My BF even admitted when we first met he thought I looked like an Ice-queen type; beautiful but cold and unapproachable until he overheard my verbal diarrhoea to an unfortunate rando at the bar about my cat and decided to come and talk to me).
So, in terms of my BF, I don't think she wants him (he's an attractive man but just not her type) but she may be jealous about how he treats me when she is in endless situationships, getting ghosted, strung along,and cheated on...
Top-Independence-780
NTA. I don't get the people saying ESH.
Know_how_to_b_stupid
Me neither. The hypocrisy of Kay is off the roof.
Stride101r
NTA. If talking about money is an issue, try not to bring it up in conversation. If she brings it up, steer the topic away to something else. If she continues to bring it up, then she's obviously got beef about it and you should consider whether your friendship with her is worth the hassle.