'AITA for getting mad a friend sent my fiancé 'condescending updates' during my bachelorette weekend?'

"AITA for getting mad a friend sent my fiancé 'condescending updates' during my bachelorette weekend?"

This past weekend was my (23F) bachelorette party. A few of my friends and I went to Austin and went out on Saturday and got a pontoon boat on Sunday. One of my friends (25F), knows my fiance better than my other friends do and has his number.

When we went out Saturday I got tipsy (because it was my bachelorette party) and when we got back to the hotel I called my fiance like I usually do. I also called my brother because I wanted to ask about something a friend had told me about him.

Now it is important to note that I do have the habit of calling my fiance when I drink. However, I do not consider this a bad thing because it is not like I am calling some ex boyfriend or like anything crazy.

The next day after the pontoon boat (which also involved drinking) I called my fiance as we left to let him know that we were leaving, and I was just joking around a bit with him when my friend (the one that knows my fiance better) took my phone away and turned it off.

I thought it was a joke and told her to give it back to me and she refused. At this point I got pretty pissed and told her very sternly to “give me my effing phone back” and took my phone back and got out of the car to cool down a bit. Two of my other friends convinced me to come back to the car.

We made the drive back to our hometown and when I got home my fiance showed me the texts this friend had been sending him. After the first night she texted him “back at the hotel and she is already drunk calling her brother 🤷🏻‍♀️ otherwise all is good."

I want to add that at that point I had already told my fiance we were at the hotel (which she heard me do) and she knows that he has my location. After she took my phone away the second day, she texted him “I’ve shut her phone off and put it in my bag while she’s still a little drunk. I’ll give it back to her in like 30 minutes when she’s not as drunk."

Reading this just honestly sent me over and I texted her “Hey [fiance] showed me the texts you sent him last night and today and dont you ever talk like that about me again. He doesnt need your condescending little updates.”

My other friends think that I took it too far because while the texts are “condescending to a degree there’s also a chance she didn’t mean it like that”. She has not texted me back and I am now afraid I took it too far so AITA?

Edit: I am not an alcoholic. Didn’t think I would have to clarify that but okay. I rarely ever drink and the “craziest” thing I do when I drink is call my fiance to flirt with him. Also, he is not cheating on me. He never texts this friend besides saying happy birthday once a year.

Edit 2: I've seen a few replies suggesting that my friend might have been annoyed because I was on the phone instead of spending time with the group. I feel like that’s missing the point.

In two whole days, I talked to my fiancé for a total of 20 minutes, including quick check-ins when I arrived and got to the hotel. We live together, so we're usually in touch way more than this. All the calls I made were during downtime; I wasn't interrupting activities or meals to chat on the phone.

I get that some people might feel like I wasn’t fully present, but I was careful to make sure the calls didn’t interfere with the group. Even if my friend was annoyed that I wasn’t constantly engaged, it’s not her place to decide how I spend my time on a trip that I organized and paid for. This was my bachelorette party, and I think I deserved the space to enjoy it in my own way.

Here's what commenters had to say:

everellie said:

NTA. That girl is not YOUR friend. She thinks she's better than you and has a right to control your communication. She was looking for you to do something truly stupid that she could report to your fiance. She was making your small actions look worse by her reactions. The thing I'd be questioning is WHY? Is she into him?

OP responded:

Honestly I have no idea. I really doubt that she is into him so my only possible explanation is that she is maybe jealous that I am two years younger and getting married when she has not even had a serious relationship. I do not think this is a bad thing by the way. I know I am on the younger side of getting married and that everyone has different timing.

Embarrassed-Car6161 said:

I'm sorry but I don't know if I would want to be friends with someone like her.

1.) She doesn't need to contact your fiance about anything. Nor does she need to update him on anything because you already did.

2.) Does she have a thing for him?? It seems she was trying to make you look bad simply because you were drinking??? Seems to me she was a little jealous.

3.) Does she have a man? Because honestly, it seems to me that's who she should have been texting, not yours.

To me, she's not your friend. She wants to be his friend.

peanutandbaileysmama said:

She was 100% battling and reporting to your fiancee. She is in the wrong unless your fiancee asked her to do such a thing then you have a bigger problem on your hands.

And OP responded:

He absolutely didnt. He was as weirded out about this as I was.

seadubs81 said:

NTA. You were communicating with your fiance the entire weekend, and sharing your location with him. I think it's kinda cute that he's the one you call when you drink too - you weren't behaving inappropriately and it seems like your "friend" inserted herself in yours and your fiance's relationship.

Just for info purposes - were she and your fiance friends before y'all met, or did she meet your fiance through you?

And OP responded:

they met through me! they are really only friends through me which is why I find this so strange

In a separate post OP asked for advice on this update:

I recently had my bachelorette party in Austin with a group of friends. On the first night, I had a few drinks and called my fiancé and my brother. One of my friends who knows my fiancé well and has his number, was aware of these calls.

After the first night when we went out, she sent my fiancé a text saying, “Back at the hotel and she is already drunk calling her brother 🤷🏻‍♀️ otherwise all is good,” even though I had already informed my fiancé about our location and shared my location with him.

The next day, after we left our pontoon boat, I called my fiancé again to let him know we were leaving. My friend then took my phone, turned it off, and sent additional texts to my fiancé. She mentioned that she had “shut my phone off” and would return it when she thought I was “less drunk.” She also commented on my calls to my fiancé and brother.

When I got home and saw these texts, I felt deeply hurt and upset. I texted her to express that her behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful. Her response was simply, “k. got it,” which felt dismissive and didn’t address the seriousness of her actions.

After reflecting on this, I’ve decided to remove her as my maid of honor and uninvite her from the wedding. I’m unsure how to communicate this decision to her in a clear and respectful way and how to handle the situation to avoid further conflict. Any advice on how to approach this conversation and manage the transition smoothly would be greatly appreciated.