'Friend upset after I asked her to leave when I was in labour/about to give birth. How do I solve this?' AITA? + UPDATE
"Friend upset after I asked her to leave when I was in labour/about to give birth. How do I solve this?"
I’m part of a friend group of 8 women (ages 26-31). I’m the second person to have a baby. They mean the world to me, especially since I have no relatives left. We all get along great, though I’m particularly close with Jess, who I’ve know since high school & even lived with for a bit.
This mostly revolves around the day I gave birth, but I guess it started a few months before. All of them were doing so much effort for me & I couldn’t be more grateful. One friend (Elisa from now on) kept getting more & more involved though, sometimes making me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Had to ask her a few times to stop touching my bump & she’d get sad. She’s joke about about wanting to be there when the baby was born, how magical it is (it wasn’t), lots of questions. At some point she asked me if she could join me & my partner for a check-up because she really wanted to be a part of it.
I said no & asked her kindly to take a bit of a step back. That her excitement was sweet but a bit too much for us. She did apologise though was upset. I asked her why she wants to be involved so strongly, she didn’t really give an answer. She said she loved me & the baby. And that Jess got to be a part of this a lot more (which is true).
After she was silent for a bit, but things went back to normal. The last weeks before my due date she came around almost daily but I didn’t want to be ungrateful, plus I was bored at home. They all came often, which I appreciated loads.
The day I went into labour I was with my partner. I messaged Elisa that she didn’t have to come, Jess that I’d tell her when we left for the hospital & the group something in the lines of ‘This is it, will keep you all posted’.
Elisa still showed up and apologised, saying she didn’t see the messages. She asked to stay for a bit because of the long drive. At some point we decided to go to the hospital though. Elisa said it was too early (could be true, she’s a nurse) but I was feeling in pain and anxious and really just wanted to be there.
Here’s where it got intense, I guess? She just kinda started acting like she was coming with us. My partner (bless her) told her we got it from here, thanked her for all she did, but that she could go home now. Elise replied something along the lines of it was no trouble, she’d love to be there for us & ‘let’s go’, still intent on coming with us. It wasn’t even a question.
Again my partner now flat out told her we’d prefer it if she went home, but that we’ll message the group to keep everyone posted. Elisa for some reason needed to hear it from me & I said the same thing. That we got it from here, that I’ll keep her post but she should go home.
She didn’t really move though? She stood there, tearing up, while we grabbed our bags, chargers & so on. I should’ve checked but at that point I couldn’t deal anymore. I got into our car & waited for my partner. Elisa came to my window and was full-on crying. She asked me to come with, that it was really important for her. If Jess could be with me, why not she? And so on.
I’ll admit I didn’t respond kindly. I was anxious and in pain & it’s no excuse. But I shouted at her to leave, to stop being so weird, that it’s not about her & so on. There were some swear words in there. My partner just drove off with me.
I haven’t heard from Elisa since (three weeks ago). She has’t come to see the baby, she doesn’t reply in the group chat & our friends are saying she’s incredibly upset with me, saying she can’t forgive me.
I don’t want to mess up our friend group but I’m at a loss. None of us know why she’s behaving this way. The other mom in the group said she was a bit like this when she was pregnant, but not close to the same way she was with me.
I feel like she overstepped, but I also know I shouldn’t have screamed at her like I did. Do I just apologise try & restore the peace? Do I try to talk to her? Do I give her time to come to me? I’m exhausted & just want this to be resolved.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
That’s… just bizarre behavior. You didn’t do anything wrong and you really don’t need to be worrying about her right now with a brand new baby. If she can’t logic out by herself that it’s your choice who’s in the room when you’re giving birth and she’s not part of it, and that throwing a tantrum as a friend who literally just had a baby then you’re probably better off without her around to be honest.
It sounds like she’s going through something, and that sucks for sure, but it’s got to be someone else’s job to look out for her. You’ve got enough going on 🤷♀️
She did overstep. I know we are never supposed to yell at anyone, but she pushed you pretty hard. She wouldn't take no for an answer. It's hard to lose a friend but in this case it's just as well. She doesn't sound well balanced.
Badgering a very pregnant and very hormonal person to the point that they are shouting at you to leave them alone and still feeling like the victim is terrifying behaviour. She seems a little obsessive, please keep your baby safe and away from her (and congratulations!)
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you all for the many wonderful replies, reality checks & supportive private messages. Some were quite extreme though I do understand & appreciate the concern! Wife, baby & I are fine. I had decided to let Elisa be & focus on my wee little family.
She actually messaged me, just kinda asking how baby & I are, not mentioning anything about what happened. Didn’t really sit right with me (blame the hormones) so I brought it up myself. We had a whole conversation through text, but didn’t really get anywhere (though she did kinda apologise). Her reasons kept changing, it all felt like excuses.
First she said I had told her she could be more involved, then it became that she felt we were so close & I hurt her, then it had to do with Jess, then she was worried about how my wife was handling it (my wife is wonderful) & felt like we needed her support.
I did immediately correct her & she didn’t mention my wife again. But we just kept going in circles. The conversation was exhausting & I just kinda ended it with that she really crossed a line, but we can try to move past it.
She replied something along the lines of that she can’t just yet, it’s all too painful still. But she’d like to see the baby, but when it’s just me & her? I refused (which I struggled with and may make me seem like an absolute b-word) and said I don’t think it’s a good idea just yet.
Just want to enjoy my little family & changing sleep schedule (struggle bus). She said it was fine, she’ll wait till there’s a group visit & will hold on to her gift till then. I still don’t really know what’s going on with her.
I don’t know if I ever will. Either way time to move on I think, and hope things go back to normal. Though I’ll be careful moving forward. Thank you for your support, everyone. I really did need it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Holy moly. Elise is not well.
ThrowRA-WhaleShape (OP)
The odd thing is that with the others she apparently is perfectly fine now. I don’t know why she’s behaving this way towards me, just hope it get’s better.
Either Elise is in love with OP or wants the baby to herself. Because this ain't over in the slightest with her creepiness behavior.
She's not gonna stop ... You're under reacting when she asks you to go all alone with her only and the baby (which is by the way disrespecting your wife). Either she's having mixed feelings about you, or she's projecting with the kid.
In both cases, keep her at arms length and STOP ANSWERING HER TEXTS. She's giving the same vibes than the women you let be the "fun aunt" and then one day you hear them trying to get your kid to call them "Mama" behind your back.