Woman finds out the truth after her friends accused her BF of being 'creepy' and 'obsessive.' UPDATED

The sage begins with this post from a woman about her friend's odd suspicions about her BF:

"The guy (22M) that I (21F) am dating is learning ASL for my brother, but my friends think it's creepy. How do I proceed with this?"

I (21F) met Jon (22M) in a college class last semester. He's an overall great guy, and he's very respectful and kind. He also has a great sense of humor, and we have lots of similar interests. We've been friends since then, and we've started dating this July. He's the first person I've ever dated in my life.

Last September, he met my family when I visited home for my brother's birthday. My brother (Trev, 19M) has been deaf since birth, so my whole family communicates with him either through sign language, Trev's lip reading (but we still just sign as reflex), or through text.

During our small celebration at home, it was clear that my parents liked Jon. He was very charming, funny, and respectful. He even tried to connect with Trev by typing some of his jokes for Trev to read (although my brother could lip read as well). Whenever Jon would tell a story, either I or my parents would sign for Trev.

My parents said that they're happy that I found a sweet and caring guy in Jon. Of course, I'm glad to hear this. Before we went back, Jon and Trev had a quick Call of Duty gaming session. For someone with Trev's condition, he is a really "talkative" guy lol he's very expressive and likes to communicate a lot, especially when gaming.

Of course, he couldn't outright trashtalk, but he does the closest thing with his hands. So, there we were at Trev's room, with Jon and Trev playing while I was translating for them. I was laughing way too hard because Trev was trying his best to trashtalk Jon like saying he's weak and trying to say all these expletives but I'm trying my best to tone it down for Jon.

Meanwhile, I'm also translating Jon's instructions and strategies for Trev. Also, because this was the first time Jon met my family, he was saying all these praises to Trev like good job or we can do it better next time, although I know that deep inside, he also wants to trashtalk my brother. The two of them got along pretty well, and they've been having some online gaming sessions since then.

Two weeks ago, Jon visited home along with me again for my mom's birthday. There, he surprised everyone (including me) by communicating with Trev through ASL. Jon was still at the alphabets, some basic words, and some rehearsed phrases, but we were all delighted that he even made the effort.

Trev's face lit up and I've never seen him happier having a new long-term friend with low communication barriers. Apparently, Jon had been watching some Youtube tutorials and got a free subscription to Skillshare to learn ASL. The two of them had a gaming session again, and this time, Jon and Trev could communicate more directly.

Of course, it was still kinda slow and I still had to do some translating (imagine trying to baby talk to a grown man or talking to a caveman with choppy sentences lol), but I could tell Trev was having a great time. They also got more comfortable with each other with more explicit trashtalking, which I didn't tone down this time. Jon had been religiously learning ASL since then, and he's making a lot of progress.

I was so happy with this, so I told my close friend group from high school. However, most of my friends, especially my closest guy friend, told me that what Jon was doing was a red flag because it could be a form of obsession and emotional manipulation.

He also said it was creepy because Jon's becoming too attached to my family when we've only been dating about 5 months. He also said that Jon might only be doing it so he could get laid or something.

I know there's some validity to what my friends said, but I'm not really convinced. Jon has been a wonderful and sincere guy the entire time, and I know it's naive to say this because he's my first ever relationship, but I can see this becoming long-term. Yes, we haven't hooked up yet because I told him I wasn't ready yet, and he never pressured me to do it.

However, is his behavior something I should really be concerned about? Again, I don't have any experience with dating and relationships, so I don't know if this is something that's truly concerning. My friends are pushing for me to break up with Jon, but I'm not sure. How do I proceed with this?

TLDR: I've been dating a guy for 5 months. He met my family 2 months ago and had befriended my brother, who is deaf. The two of them have been gaming with each other ever since.

The guy I've been dating has apparently been learning ASL to communicate with my brother better. However, my friends said that his behavior could be seen as obsessive, emotionally manipulative, and downright creepy. How do I proceed with this?

What do you think is going on here? Any advice on how she should proceed? This is what top commenters had to say:

CrystalQueen3000 said:

Your friends are thieves of joy

A guy that likes you is going out of his way to learn how to communicate with your brother, that’s adorable, don’t let your “friends” shit on it

Square-Minimum-6042 said:

I think your closest friend likes you. Likes you likes you. Your BF sounds wonderful, don't listen to their nonsense. I'm happy for you and for your brother that Jon is so kind. Don't let your friends' jealousy make you doubt yourself or Jon.

JanetInSpain said:

Damn you need better friends. Your friends are the ones who are creepy, reading so much dark intent into what is actually a very kind, thoughtful, and respectful gesture on your boyfriend's part. How do you proceed? Dump the loser friends.

And OP responded:

After reading a lot of the responses here, I'm now reevaluating my relationship with my friends. This wasn't the first time they gave negative feedback on a guy I liked.

Piilootus said:

Why are your friends so cynical?? Who hurt them?? This is a really sweet gesture, he's literally learning another language so he can communicate with your brother. That's really kind.

OP responded:

They don't really interact with my brother that much. Whenever they see him, it's mostly just a smile and polite wave, then we do our own thing.

No-Resolution713 said:

I just laughed after reading this. Your really asking us that your boyfriend puting an effort to connect with your family is a red flag. To me your friend sounds red flag.

Well, commenters may have been on to something (good work, internet sleuths!). A month later, she shared this update:

Sorry, this is gonna be a long one. This will be an update to my original post, but I'll also try to address some of the frequently asked questions.

TLDR of my original post: I've been dating a guy (Jon, 22M) for 5 months. This is my first relationship. He met my family 2 months ago and had befriended my brother (Trev, 19M), who is deaf.

The two of them have been gaming with each other ever since. The guy I've been dating has apparently been learning ASL to communicate with my brother better. However, my friends said that his behavior could be seen as obsessive, emotionally manipulative, and downright creepy.

First off, I wanted to thank everyone who gave their insights in my original post. As I said, I'm very new to relationships, so reading insights other than my inner circle's was very eye-opening.

To begin, many commenters said that my high school friends are conniving, untrustworthy, and ableist people who never bothered learning ASL despite knowing me for a long time. I take accountability for this. I'm not saying they're blameless, but it's not entirely their fault.

For some context, our family moved to our area when I was in senior year of high school due to my dad's job. The friend group (2 guys + 2 girls before I joined) was already tight when I came in. They then took me in after we got grouped together for a school project, and they've been with me since (we've been friends for about 4 years now).

They're not exactly saints, but they helped me survive my senior year in one piece. They are fun to hang out with, and they were the support I needed when I was struggling.

Also, during that time, my brother was having an especially hard time adjusting because of his disability, so my friends never really saw Trev a lot. To be clear, I was never ashamed of Trev. It's just that whenever my friends came over, he either locked himself in his room or was in a different area with his tutor and never really interacted with us.

Whenever he does come out, he's really shy and awkward, so my friends mostly just get glimpses of him. By the time Trev became more comfortable in our area and found his own circle, my friends and I had already graduated from high school and don't really hang out regularly anymore.

They're friendly and polite with Trev, but then again, they never interacted as much to the point of them actually needing to learn ASL for him.

Now, for the update:

Last week, my friend group had our year-ender party and I decided to bring Jon along to meet the rest of my friends. My other friend in the group also brought his girlfriend, so this wasn't really weird (others have done so in the past as well).

I've commented in the previous post that Jon had only met my closest guy friend (I'll call him Mike, 21M), so I wanted the rest of them to form their own opinions of Jon after they've met him.

Initially, there was some tension and awkwardness from my friend group toward Jon. They were a bit cold, and they were throwing some harsh remarks toward him. Eventually though, they all warmed up to him, and they were actually pleasantly surprised by his personality.

We all got along well, and we all even had fun in our games. However, I could tell that there was still awkward tension coming from Mike toward Jon and the rest of our group. He was throwing meaner jokes more than usual and he's kind of isolating himself from the activities.

The day after the party, I had lunch with my closest girl friend (Sophie, 21F) to clear the air because I could tell that they could also sense something was off.

A lot of commenters speculated that Mike had a crush on me and was jealous of my relationship with Jon. Turns out, you're all 10000% correct, but it's a lot more complicated than that. Apparently, Mike has had a crush on me since our senior year high school. However, he's known in our school as a notorious ladies' man and had a new girl with him almost every month.

This got exponentially worse during college. He had different hookups almost every night, and he even had a pregnancy scare with a girl last year. I knew about all of this because he bragged about sleeping around every time we meet up.

What I didn't know was that the entire time, Mike has been making up fake stories about me and him. Sophie told me that apparently, Mike and I had a pact that if we were still both single when we're 30, we'd marry each other. Also, he told our friend group that we hooked up after graduation and that he took my virginity then, so he's "my special person" (whatever that means).

He also told them that we'd been secretly hooking up consistently throughout college (for context, Mike and I go to different universities that are just about 30 minutes apart). Lastly, Mike told them that I said I'm in love with him. He told our friends not to tell me anything so I don't get embarrassed or upset since I have this image of being somewhat of a prude.

Mike also told our friend group that when he met Jon, he thought that Jon is a total jerk who has been manipulating me and taking advantage of my innocence and naivete. He said that Jon had been forcing himself into my family and is driving a wedge between me and my friends.

Mike also said that after he had lunch with me and Jon, he tried to convince me to stay away from Jon because he's not a good influence on me, but Jon had effectively brainwashed me. This explains why my friend group was already so antagonistic toward Jon when I told them about him.

For the record, none of what Mike said was true. There was no pact, we never hooked up, and I have NEVER been in love with him. After that, Sophie and I asked the rest of our friend group (except Mike) to jump on a FaceTime call with us. They all shared different versions of what Mike told them (there were a lot more), but I disputed everything.

We were all collectively shocked about everything that we learned that day. They apologized for their behavior toward me and Jon, and I told them I understood given all the lies fed to them by Mike. Then, everyone agreed to kick Mike off the friend group.

Sophie suggested that maybe we could have an intervention for Mike first, but I just said that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. The rest of the group agreed, so we're essentially cutting him off. Sophie said she would still talk to him just to inform him of everything that happened, but I really just wanted to distance myself from him.

Now, it's been a week of being Mike-free. Sophie said that when she and our other guy friend talked to Mike, he became defensive, confrontational, and aggressive. He wasn't physically violent, but he called them names, attacked their characters, and made such awful statements about everyone in our friend group that I won't include here anymore. It looks like cutting him off completely was the right call.

Now, for some more uplifting updates:

After reading everyone's comments in my previous post (there were a lot!), I reflected on my relationship with Jon and my friends. I then talked to my parents for advice, since they have the best relationship I know of.

They told me that from what they saw of Jon when he visited our home and how I spoke of him, it seems like he is a legitimately nice person with pure intentions. It also helps that Jon and I have been friends for months before we started dating, so I already knew his character even when there was less pretense of him trying to impress me (he's already impressive on his own though lol).

I then told Jon about everything that happened and apologized, fully expecting him to be mad at me for doubting him and his intentions. Instead, he said he understood, because of course it was just natural for me to trust my friends and expect them to have my best interests.

He then asked me if there was any point in our relationship when he I felt uncomfortable or uneasy around him, and I categorically said no. I told him that he's my safe space, and he has nothing to worry about. He then reassured me that his intentions with me are genuine, and he even said that he sees a future with me, which I reciprocated.

Also, Jon and Trev's friendship is still going strong. Trev has participated in one of Jon's D&D sessions with his friends, and Jon and I both acted as the translators. We were delighted to see that most of Jon's friends already know ASL alphabet!

Apparently, they had even included it in the lore of their D&D campaign. Also, Trev had been asking Jon some tips for working out and getting fit lately since they have the same body type but Jon is more toned (one of his brothers is a fitness instructor).

Also, I met Jon's family for the first time for their annual get-together. It was super fun! There were games and contests. Also, I wasn't prepared for it but apparently, since their mom is a theater performer and their dad is a music producer, it was their family tradition to have a talent showcase.

They gave me a pass this time, but they told me I should prepare something impressive for next year lol Jon and his brothers performed Bye Bye Bye by NSYNC (in full Deadpool, Wolverine, and Captain America costumes), while his sisters and their husbands did Defying Gravity from Wicked.

Their parents did a medley from the Sound of Music. It was a total blast! I felt their family's warm welcome, and they really treated me as one of their own. I could see where Jon got his good values and looks from (though I think I need to start taking voice and dance lessons to keep up with them lol)

So, that's it for this update. My relationship with Jon is stronger than ever, and I finally know who my true friends are! If you've made it this far, thank you so much for your time! Happy New Year to us all!

TL;DR - My male best friend has a crush on me and has been making up stories and feeding lies to our other friends, tarnishing the image of my boyfriend. I have cleared things out with my other friends, and we've cut off our toxic friend from our friend group. My relationship with my boyfriend is now stronger than ever.