Wedding 'ruined' as bride’s dying sister tries to take center stage. AITA? + Update post-wedding
"AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?"
Snoo_61002
I don't intend for the title to be so harsh sounding, but I don't know how else to put it. I'll also sound blunt, but I'm just posting the facts as presented. I'm marrying my partner (A), who is from another country. Her sister (B) is dying of cancer, it is heart breaking, she is a young mother and wife.
Her diagnosis was about four years ago. When she was first diagnosed she was given 1-2 years. Since we were in a different country, as she (B) remained in her home country with her family after her sister (A) immigrated, we saved up some money and traveled to say goodbye to her.
It was about the 1.5 year mark when we went to say goodbye, and we had gotten engaged soon beforehand. So we also went over to visit some of the family and ask them how long they needed to save to come across for our wedding, as our dollar is much stronger than theirs. They said 2 years, so that was agreed.
We spent a month with her, laughing, lamenting, spending as much quality time as possible with her. By the end of the trip though, and with the chemo, she was exhausted. We said our heart breaking goodbyes assuming to never see her again.
And then she made a miraculous recovery, with a less than 1% chance of happening, which was awesome. We, along with her other family members who had also immigrated (such as her father and brother) decided to put money together and support her to move over here to spend the rest of her life with us. That was about a year ago.
Now my partner and I are getting married in 2 weeks. All of her family are coming to visit, its a big joyous occasion with lots of travel, we've forked out thousands to help her family get here, and they're all staying for a month or so to celebrate our wedding and spend time with us.
Two weeks ago B got a bad diagnosis, they found lumps, and they said she has about a year left to live. She (for obvious reasons) didn't handle this well, and lashed out at us and our wedding telling us not to talk about it around her.
My partner has always kind of lived in her older sisters shadow, so she was really excited to be celebrated and made a fuss of for once. But B has told everyone about her diagnosis, and has started saying "This is the last time I will see most of you". Now the focus is completely off my partner and our wedding, and is absolutely about B.
I feel heartless and heart broken, but I'm frustrated by this. She has been going out of her way to make sure the people who are coming across (who we have paid thousands for flights, not that it matters that much) are spending as much time with her as possible as this is "the last time she will see them".
Now this period of joy and celebration has an undeniable black cloud hung over it, and people very obviously have stopped making my partner feel special. On top of this, B has maintained her stance that we not talk about our wedding around her.
But the big issue is that B got married during COVID, so never got a father/daughter dance. She wants to have one at our wedding, after my partner has a father/daughter dance, with her own song which - to be honest - sad as f*.
I have said no, because my partner wanted to say no but felt too guilty so I had to be the bad guy. I also told my partner that if we're not to talk about our wedding around her sister, then I don't want her sister talking about her dying around us.
Now I'm being called an asshole. I do absolutely feel like one, but I also feel like this is grossly unfair to ask us to brush our wedding under the carpet because of this. AITA?
Edit: sorry I just woke up and will work through the many comments as fast as I can. I really appreciate all the views and discussions, its precisely why I came here. Genuinely, thank you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
MizzyvonMuffling
If true and she was given a year to live, she could give her sister that one fucking day and stay quiet. But no, she makes it about herself, her missed dance, her missed whatever and ruins the day for you guys that way assuming she's telling the truth. I get weird vibes. If I were you, I'd go to the courthouse/elope without telling anyone and cancel the celebration and have one way later.
The OP responded here:
Snoo_61002
We considered this, my partner had a breakdown over it and said she wanted to do this. I asked her if she was sure, we had a conversation, and she changed her mind. We've done too much, prepared too much, gotten too excited for the whole time together to just pull the plug.
Mundane_Bike_912
Get married at a court house quietly. Then do the wedding as planned. No one needs to know except you and your future wife.
messy_thoughts47
I recommend assigning a trusted family member or friend to B on your wedding day. Let this person handle B, e.g., do their best to prevent B from making any scene(s), escorting her out of the venue immediately if necessary. Be very solicitous to her to the point of aggravation: you shouldn't mingle, you'll wear yourself out. You shouldn't drink, doctors orders.
Let B have her dance at the end of the event. Let the band/DJ/person in charge of the music know that B's dance is not to happen until x time AND what song should be played. Let them know B is not to be given the mic under any circumstances.
I wouldn't be surprised if she says, "but I'm dying" and your response should be, "but you're not dead yet, and today is about A."
And do not allow her to wear white. Do not allow her to dim your joy. Do not allow her to dictate to you or A.
And finally, you may need to issue an ultimatum(s) to B: if she pulls any stunts, misbehaves in any way, tries to steal A's moment, you will have her escorted off the property immediately and barred from reentry.
Including if she faints during the ceremony or other important moment. If she faints, call an ambulance/have her handler take her to the ER and refuse to leave until she's seen a Dr.
It's too bad, but you and your family/friends will have to be the "bad" guys. Move quickly if B misbehaves. Redirect conversations:
B: "I have less than a year to live."
You/family /friends: "You must be so thankful to see A get married today, isn't she gorgeous?" You, your family & friends will have to make up to A for her family's disinterest/lack of attention. Good luck, OP. Update us!
Again the OP responded:
Snoo_61002
Yeah this is excellent advice, thank you. I will likely follow it to a tee. Today's drama, we woke up and B has told one of our guests he's not welcome because of something he said (it was a minor thing, she got a pretty nice new car recently and he said that it was easy for her cause her and her partner are living at B's parents and paying no rent or expenses. The dad is covering all medical bills too).
Almost a month later, the OP returned with an update after the nuptials.
Snoo_61002
I'm the same person who had the wedding dramas. While the wedding went off without a hitch, we've had a major problem since (feels like season 2 of a frigging soap opera). I'm sorry this is a little long, but there's a lot of context.
My SIL is dying of cancer. Recently my partner and I got married, and SIL made the whole process as difficult as possible. While we were visiting family the other day I was relaxing on a couch which sits below a ledge in a lounge, so you couldn't see me from the dining room.
I was there with wife, and wife's family, but older SIL didn't realize I had come with. My partner and her little sister (not the same SIL) came in to the dining area in tears and sat down next to their mum.
Before they could say anything older SIL came in and talked to them with a venom I had never seen. She was shouting at them, and talking to them like they were children telling them to "never dare walk away from her again during an argument".
There was a viciousness at a level that I'd *never* tolerate being spoken to like, from anyone. The argument happened because we had come to pick up the nephew (son of older SIL) from school so that SIL could rest (I'll give more info on this fight in comment).
Older SIL told her family its a privilege for them to baby sit her child, and that if they're going to try and help then they need to do it how she asks, when she asks. She spoke to my wife like she was scum several levels below her.
When I stood up, and older SIL saw me, she jumped with shock and then immediately stormed out of the room. I stood up and said "we're leaving". In the car I said to my wife that if my SIL ever spoke to her like that again there would be harsh, firm boundaries put in place.
Later we received a message from SIL's husband saying we were being selfish and making the whole family visit about us and our wedding (which was what it was originally about when everyone planned to come. They were visiting for our wedding.)
The problem is that this has been happening for months, and I feel like an idiot because when my wife told me about it she down played it. SIL's family all keep saying "She's dying, its affecting her mind", or "Lets just move past it so we can enjoy the time we have left with her".
And my SIL's treatment of my wife has gotten worse, and worse, and worse. SIL keeps trying to convince people not to spend time with us while they're here, she exempts herself from family plans and then makes new plans excluding my wife, and tells people my wife is being greedy with others company.
My wife came home yesterday in tears saying she had considered driving her car off a bridge because of how much SIL has broken her heart. My wife went to say goodbye to one of her uncles who was flying out, and SIL apparently did the same thing as the day before but worse (according to a couple of the witnessing family members).
I had to hold her while she sobbed uncontrollably for fifteen minutes, asking me why her sister was doing this to her when all she had done was try to love her. This is the part that may make me an AH.
I put a message in to the group chat I'm in with her immediate family saying (to cut a long story short) I will not talk to any of you until you start to hold SIL accountable for her actions, any promises of unifying our families was a lie until my SIL apologizes and shows she's going to cut this sh-t out.
My wife's unrelenting kindness is being exploited and taken for weakness, that my wife is psychologically unsafe around her own family, that I swore in my vows to protect my wife, and that I have no interest in being a part of a family who treat each other like this.
I said I'd be leaving the conversation, I don't want anyone to contact me unless its to apologize to my partner and explain how things will be different moving forward, and not to add me in to any group conversations. I blocked any form of contact access that my SIL had.
My wife didn't want me to send the message because she didn't want to make things worse, I told her things were being made worse by her families unwillingness to call out SIL because she's dying, and my partner told me I can do what I feel I need to do but her family will be upset with me.
Now they've called a family meeting, and I've refused to go until my wife is apologized to, and the family outright promise to hold her sister accountable. Her family are all very upset at me for saying what I said about our two families joining, and that I'm being harsh to SIL who is dying.
My own family think I'm being too harsh, except my dad and older brother who think I'm making the right choice.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
U_Wont_Remember_Me
NTA. I’ll say that again: NT friggin’ A. Your family are a pack of enablers. And I’m betting that if you go through your family tree you’re going to find similar behaviors in other people.
Your wife doesn’t want a confrontation so she submits and submits, hoping that the toxic person will come to their senses cuz essentially all people are good people. Thing is people like your sister prey on this behavior. They get off on behaving like this and treating vulnerable people with psychotic disrespect. It is best that your wife never goes near your sister ever again.
There’s a name for this behavior that I’ve forgotten. They just love to scream and scream and scream about every imagined slight they can think of. They never take responsibility for their actions either. Ever. I have a sibling like this. It gets to the point where your soul is just circling the drain. Their behavior is just that detrimentally toxic.
I’ve been NC for over a decade. From what I’ve heard their behavior hasn’t changed in the slightest. It takes a lot out of you to go NC, it’s not easy. Thing is, I didn’t like my soul circling the drain either.
Your wife has to understand that confrontation, though preferably avoided, is often necessary. These bastards are taking your power from you like the soul sucking vampires they are. You have to fight to retain your power and defend it. Otherwise you are always at their mercy, which is why you end up feeling suicidal.
Don’t expect your family to back you anytime soon, if at all. They’ve succumbed to the soul sucking vampire and they’ll defend that stance to their last breath, regardless of how illogical and cowardly they sound. Which is why they’ll DARVO both of you.
Put as much psychological and geographical distance between your family and them as you can. Cuz they’ll start showing up to try and force you both to submit. Avoid the repetitive and unrelenting toxic drama: it sucks you in and doesn’t let go.
The OP responded:
Snoo_61002
This is an excellent comment with excellent insight that I will pass on to my wife. Thank you so much, that's a good point about expecting others to be like us.
MashaSP
Your SIL needs a therapy to come to terms with her diagnosis and to complete her 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). Instead she is stuck somewhere in between anger and bargaining and doesn’t want to let it go.
She feels alive by making everyone else miserable because she doesn’t want to suffer alone. That’s not healthy. And SIL’s family needs to understand that the last years with her should be positive and peaceful, so the memories of her are not tainted with the tantrums and unreasonable demands.
They are making it worse. Her family needs to encourage her to go to the therapy for her and her children’s sake, but instead of that they blame you and your wife for having boundaries and not taking her BS.
Keep protecting your wife. Tell her that it’s much better to walk away now and have at least some salvageable memories of her sister rather then destroying it and herself in the process of being too close to her sister.
The OP then added:
Snoo_61002
For the interested, the context for the first fight: SIL asked us the night before to pick up our nephew from daycare so that she could rest for the day. We told her we couldn't, as we had plans to show family who were visiting some of the sights of our city.
But we were actually done a lot earlier than we thought we would be, so we tried to call SIL or her hubby. Both weren't answering, so we went to SIL's house to check and see if she still wanted us to take him.
She lost her shit saying that if we want to help her its on her terms, that we should consider any time we spend with her son to be a privilege, and that we weren't to disturb her unless we knew she was open to us visiting. This was all said when she didn't realize I was there, and I deeply regret saying nothing at the time. I had hoped the family would put her in her place.
Old_Beach2325
NTA a dying AH is still an AH. Doesn’t mean you have to put up with it ever. The fact that your wife has thought what she has and comes home crying should show that she can’t take it anymore.