'AITA for getting my ex-wife and children uninvited from a Halloween party?'
"AITA for getting my ex-wife and children uninvited from a Halloween party?"
So my (37m) ex-wife (35f) have been divorced for six years and have two kids together under 10. The divorce was not unusual but a pattern emerged during that time where it seemed like my ex would try to intrude into my business whenever possible.
Her boundaries are not good, or rather, her willingness to respect my boundaries. Some limited examples include: I kept the home, but even after moving across the city she felt entitled to enter my home whenever she wanted, she created fake social media accounts to try and keep tabs on me, and freaked out on me several times when I started dating, despite being in a relationship with her affair partner.
As a result, I decided to do everything I could to avoid any crossover in our lives other than the children. I stopped talking to mutual friends, and built my own network of friends that she doesn’t know. It’s been great for my mental health. Many of my friends live in my neighborhood but my ex didn’t know them when she lived here.
She has interacted with them briefly at school events because my kids are friends with their kids as well. When my friends have asked about her, I keep the information limited, and not share the extent to which she made my life difficult during our marriage.
So, recently my ex took my oldest to a birthday party for one of my friends’ kids. Apparently during that party the moms were talking about our Halloween party coming up around my ex. I don’t have my kids this year, but I go every year. According to my ex, she was invited to bring the kids, and according to my friends, she invited herself via text after the birthday party.
The truth is probably somewhere in between. Nonetheless, two of the wives told me about it the next time I saw them, literally hours after seeing my ex at an event for our kids. They were apologetic and said they weren’t sure how it happened and were asking if I was okay with that. I told them that I need her to not be there and that I’d offer to have the kids and bring them to the party if she wanted.
My friends were understanding and said they’d support me however I needed. I told them I’d make it about me, not them. Not surprisingly, my ex didn’t go for it and was insistent that she was going. This led to a contentious back and forth where she accused me of trying to control her, demanding that if I wanted her to not come I needed to call her (where she usually tries to steamroll me)...
...and claiming that I was violating her boundaries by talking about her with my friends. She’s also insistent that she’s allowed to be friends with anyone she wants, and I can’t stop her from being friends with these people.
I finally ended it by telling her that she had been uninvited and I was the one communicating it on behalf of my friends. She then told my kids that I uninvited her from the party and they were mad at me for a few days. So, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Bibliophile_w_coffee said:
NTA and change your locks. Go ahead and let a few of the other adults know the nuts and bolts of her behavior, so when she tries to saddle up to them they know not to gossip about you at all, that it’s borderline stalking on her part.
No-Asparagus-6852 said:
He made a new network of friends that he states she didn’t know. These aren’t people she was friends with and he’s making them ice her out. That isn’t the case. She invited herself and now she’s mad and being petty. The kids were not uninvited. They are dad’s friends so DAD can take them to the party. If they don’t go it’s her fault. NTA.
missvanderflag said:
NTA, but don't involve the kids in your fights. In this case they are the ones directly affected, by being uninvited, just because you and your ex can't be civil. So try to find some common ground with your ex for you kids' sake.
Sasha_Goddess001 said:
NTA - Your ex ain't respecting your boundaries. She's acting like they're just suggestions, not rules. You're all about keeping peace, and that's chill. Your friends got your back, so she needs to chill out. You offered to bring the kids, so you're not ghosting them. She's playing the control card, but it's all about respect, which she's lowkey not giving. Keep your space, you're good, dude.
SalisburyWitch said:
NTA. When you get the kids, start teaching them WHY their mom got uninvited. (In age appropriate ways, of course). Start with “people with manners don’t invite themselves to parties they weren’t invited to." Tell them you’re sorry but your mom shouldn’t have done that.
DynkoFromTheNorth said:
NTA. I'm with the other fine judges here who tell you you must change your locks. Feel free to give your new friends the full extent of her cheating, the divorce and subsequent behaviour so that they know they need to block her on social media.