'AITA for getting upset that my GF 'wasted money' on a cooking class?' + UPDATE FROM GF

"AITA for getting upset that my GF wasted money?"

My girlfriend (23F) and I (23M) have been together since we were in college, about three years. We moved in together this year and we keep running into problems because she doesn't know how to do basic household chores. She can't cook, can't do laundry, ends up making more of a mess when she tries to clean.

She never learned how to do these things because she grew up rich: she's the only child of parents who have a Porsche, a vacation house, and live-in housekeepers who did all these things. I had to be the one to teach her how to vaccum and how to load the dishwasher, how to use a washer and dryer.

When we moved in together her parents offered to pay for a cleaning lady to come in and help us out once a week because we both work very demanding jobs, but I said no because it's such a waste of money when we could do it by ourselves.

About a week ago she offered to make us dinner. I was surprised because she doesn't know how to cook and has never wanted to try but she was very insistent so I agreed (I normally do all our cooking and grocery shopping).

She ended up making pasta and a chicken dish that was really, really good. She was very happy that I enjoyed it and said that she'd secretly been taking cooking lessons after work so she'd be able to help me out more around the house.

Now this is where I may have been the AH. I told her that I'm glad she learned but that she wasted money going to a cooking class when she could have just learned how from YouTube or by practicing on her own. I grew up with a single mom who worked two jobs and had to learn how to cook and take care of myself from a very young age.

I think it's completely doable and unnecessary for her to be using her money to do something she could just learn by herself. I told her this and she started crying, and I realized that I may have overreacted. She stayed in our room for an hour and came to me after saying sorry for wasting money and that she'd think before spending next time.

It's been about a week now and she says she's fine but sometimes she's still cold and too quiet when she's normally very bubbly and outgoing. I don't think she should have wasted her money (I could have taught her), but I feel bad for making her cry. So, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

tropicaldiver said:

YTA. You turned her moment of pride into a moment of "I can't do anything right". It also was not a waste of money. It helped her do something important to her. You are substituting your judgement for hers. And it was about showing you she could grow; not about being your student.

Now to the money. Did spending the money cause a hardship financially? Did it hinder pursuit of a joint financial goal? Or do you simply not approve as you think she could have done it cheaper? You are getting really close to controlling behavior....

SkyeRibbon said:

YTA. You're SUCH an @$$hole. She went out of her way to make sure she learned a skill correctly and wanted to do it as a surprise for you. She works. She used her own money. I'm assuming yall arent late on Bill's because you both work. You dont get to dictate what she does in her free time with her fun money. Apologize to her! Ungrateful!

[deleted] said:

YTA. Come on, man. You were upset that she wasn't contributing - so she went to the effort of planning this surprise for you on her own time, made you a nice meal, and your immediate response was to lecture her? Your upbringing isn't everyone's; just because you had to learn the hard way doesn't mean that's the only right way to learn. A cooking class is a perfectly good use of money and clearly it paid off.

It seems you have a chip on your shoulder about your girlfriend's more fortunate upbringing, and I strongly suggest figuring out how to brush that off, because it's going to lead to resentment on both ends if you keep bristling every time there's an expense that isn't absolutely bare bones.

Same with the cleaning service - it would have been a gift from her parents and clearly they have it to spend. It's okay to indulge in practical luxuries that make your life easier. Not everything has to be the hard knock life. I see that she apologized (even though she had nothing to apologize for), did you apologize to her?

[deleted] said:

YTA. She made the food and took the classes for YOU. You should’ve just kept your mouth shut because now she’s going to think twice before doing stuff like this.

The GF later weighed in with this update:

Hi, everyone! This is OP's girlfriend. He's at work right now (we both work at a hospital) but he wanted me to share an update. Thank you for all your responses, he says he's been sufficiently internet shamed :) We had a talk before he left for work a few hours ago.

He showed me this post and your comments, he apologized over and over and said it was clear that he was an AH for what he said to me (and I totally agree, haha) and it brought up a lot of baggage about how he treated money growing up. His mom is a lovely woman but he was always taught to be extremely frugal and never waste money on anything non-essential.

These are issues we want to work on together and he's agreed to speak with a therapist about his resentments and attitudes towards money. I think we'll be okay :) And yes we'll both be cooking together in the future now!