'AITA for giving my ring back after my fiancé made a comment to his guy friends?' 'It's a trap.'
"AITA for giving my ring back after my fiancé made a comment to his guy friends regarding why we haven't gotten married?"
My fiancé and I (both 30) have been together for 8 years and engaged for 4 years. We got engaged right before 2020 really hit and obviously that put a huge halt on any sort of planning and then from there forward, life events halted it more (became homeless, ended up pregnant and having our child, now we are back on our feet but not financially where we could be YET).
Back roughly 5 months ago (ish) I brought up marriage and basically approached the idea of having a backyard wedding and a pot luck. Basically going cheap because I don't really care so much about the wedding or price or whatever. I just want to wear a pretty dress and have all eyes on me and get married to the love of my life. I don't care about the expensive bells and whistles.
When I brought it up he told me that that wouldn't be a bad idea and that we could 'probably' try planning for July-ish 2025. Okay! But we haven't really talked about it since that point, as other sh$% came up. Here's the issue though...back about a month ago we were down to our neighbors home (people who have grown to be really good friends since we moved here 1.5 years ago).
I was hanging out with the neighbors wife and her best friend. My fiancé was hanging out with a group of 3-4 guys, having beers and working on vehicles. Well, one of the guys there was talking about his wife and said "once you get married, everything stops" (I overheard in the middle of the conversation so I have no idea what "stops" during marriage but it was a negative comment irregardless).
But anyways, my fiancé then starts laughing and goes "that's why I've been dragging my feet on marriage" and the guys just laughed and said "don't do it man, it's a trap" etc etc. It really hurt me, but I figured it was just 'locker room talk' and tried my best to move on.
But like...I couldn't let it go. It sat in the back of my head. So a couple weeks ago I brought up getting married again and just ran some ideas by him on simple things (like what he saw our wedding colors being) and he shut down a bit and said something to the affect of "I think we need to weigh the pros and cons of being married first" and shut down the conversation.
Instant plunge to my gut, honestly. So I walk outside to calm myself down but I just couldn't shake it honestly. So I went back inside and calmly handed him my ring back and asked him what he wanted for dinner. I didn't want to make a big deal so there was no yelling, no crying, nothing. I was calm and moved on.
But he instantly asked me what I was doing and why I gave the ring back. So I mentioned his comment to his buddies about dragging his feet and now his comments about needing to wait and weigh the pros and cons before going through with anything and told him I don't want to wait, nor do I want to get my hopes up for a marriage that he's clearly changed his mind about.
So I would rather he have the ring back and go in to this without the sound of wedding bells in my head. Let's just move on, basically. We can still be together but I don't want my hopes up. Well, he got extremely defensive. Started saying "I'm not saying it's not going to happen" or "you're being extreme for no reason." AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
DesperateToNotDream said:
“We need to weigh the pros and cons” he’s had FOUR YEARS since proposing to think about that. He absolutely doesn’t want to get married; if he did, you would be.
Mia_Sunsh1ne said:
Exactly. NTA. You were honest about how much his comments and reluctance hurt you, and giving the ring back seems like a reasonable way to set a boundary about where you stand. If he’s that uncertain about marriage after years together and isn’t willing to talk it through, it’s understandable you wouldn’t want to keep hoping for something he seems to be putting off.
Grumpy_Lurker said:
NTA. If you want to stay in this relationship, you absolutely should be realistic about what you can expect from it. He is not being honest about what he wants, and you're right to insist that he start.
Cursd818 said:
NTA. You have a child together. Any man who hesitates to marry you after that kind of commitment is a waste of your time. Of course he's getting defensive that you're refusing to let him play these games. He felt all-powerful, dangling the idea of marriage whilst never intending to follow through.
The only way to win these games is to refuse to play at all. If he wants to marry you, he needs to make you want to marry him again. If not, he can leave now, and you can find the man you deserve.
Glittering_Yogurt_88 said:
NTA if he’s unhappy about you expressing your feelings to his face, he should look at how he expressed behind your back. The two of you have already gone through more struggles than most marriages have, but showing the act of commitment is what he’s weighing up?!
That’s just pathetic. Guys should trying pretending to be pregnant for 9 months, and kicked in the balls a few times then have their partners acting unsure about committing - I would love to see that.
altaire52 said:
NTA with wanting certainty, but this post makes me wonder. I still don't get the US (Western?) viewpoint of being okay with having babies with someone but not marrying the partner they are making baby with. Isn't bringing new life into the world a bigger commitment than a (basically) celebratory party? Why would you even have a baby with a person you didn't trust enough to be married with.
Material_Cellist4133 said:
NTA. But why are you with this person. He isn’t your person. Your person would be dragging their feet to marry you. Your person would give you the wifely duties without the wifely title. You need to respect yourself. You deserve a wedding. You deserve someone who wants the same things as you in terms of future goals. And this child isn’t it. He isn’t your person.