'AITA for googling my fiancé’s family’s addresses to mail them wedding save-the-dates?' UPDATED

"AITA for Googling my fiancé’s family’s addresses?"

I (26F) is engaged to "Jack" (32M) “Jack”. Jack is very soft spoken and kind. He never argues or puts up a fight and honestly makes me feel like I have full control of the relationship. Jack still lives with his parents, “Bertha” and “Dom." Bertha is a devout Catholic that believes she knows everything. She has a holier than thou complex.

She has told me on countless occasions that our marriage will not count in the eyes of God because I am not Catholic (Im Protestant) She tells my fiance that our marriage is a mortal sin and he will have to suffer the consequences in his afterlife. My fiance, who is very meek, never stands up for our relationship. He just sits there quietly.

Bertha is always finding ways to make me feel excluded and unwanted. The biggest fight we’ve had was when I started to plan the wedding. His mother demanded a Catholic Church. I explained to her that our budget would be $2,000. Since her church cost $1,000 I asked her to pay for the church and my fiance and I would pay for the reception.

This is where it gets bad. His mom was happy to plan the ceremony and excited to have it at her church. She had no issue with paying for the church. After a month I asked her about the plans and wanted to share my ideas for the reception. His mother told me that she had planned everything.

She used my $2,000 proposed budget and arranged for her side of the family to have a catered sit down dinner at a hall for the reception. Plot twist, my family wasn't invited.

I ended up cancelling the whole wedding and blocked Bertha’s number. I started planning the wedding alone. My joy was short lived when it came time to mail out our save the dates. I asked my fiance to get the addresses for his side of the family. Naturally he asked his mom to verify certain houses since he doesn't visit family often.

Bertha became angry and told me that I’m not allowed to send out save the dates. In her own words “ My side of the family is very private. For their own safety and wellbeing I can't give you the addresses. If you want them mailed out then you will give all the letters to me and I will do it.”

I was shocked. I tried to be the bigger person and compromise but she stressed the need for her family to be safe and didn’t want me to have any of their information. I have had enough of her nonsense and finally put my foot down. I looked up everyone’s addresses on WhitePages and made a google doc. Then I went to Bertha’s house and told her that I’m sending out the save the dates.

Bertha proceeded to argue with me and said that I’m violating her family’s privacy and I’m being disrespectful. SoI have one question, AITA for googling my fiance’s family’s addresses?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Cheddarbaybiskits said:

The question you should be asking is, why am I marrying someone who won’t stick up for me? You think this is bad now? Just wait until you are married and have kids. She will turn your own children against you.

OP responded:

That's my worst fear. But everytime I decided to walk away, a part of me wants to stay. That hurts the most. I just can't let go.

0biterdicta said:

NTA - MIL is clearly trying to exert control wherever she can. But, there's a lot of "I","I","I" in this post. "I cancelled the wedding""I googled the addresses" etc. with barely a mention of your fiancé. Where is he in all this? Why can't he figure out how to obtain the addresses for his family members if he wants them at the wedding? Why can't he deal with his mother?

OP responded:

He becomes quiet in the face of confrontation. I asked him several times but he will literally not do anything just to avoid a potential argument with his mom. Thus I'm always the one in the middle.

rougecomete said:

NTA but uhhh this whole relationship sounds....troubling. You enjoy the fact that your fiance is 'meek' and you have 'full control of the relationship'? His mother tried to disinvite your family from your wedding and he just...said nothing? Yikes.

drbarnowl said:

I’m gonna go with WTF. Your partner sounds like a puppet rather than a person. I get he can’t handle confrontation but life as an adult involves confrontation. To put all of that on you makes you his parent not his partner. So it makes sense why you are clashing with his mom. You are her replacement

OP responded:

Ouch. That hurts :( never thought of the relationship in that way.

[deleted] said:

ESH. 1.) You: you said it yourself that you like that he “never puts up a fight” nor “argue” bc that gives you complete control over the relationship. Relationships are (ideally) supposed to have equal partners, not a doormat and the person walking over it.

I get that you have trauma in the past, but i don’t think you’re over it, esp if you’re “controlling” as a way to make sure that you’re not the one being abused. But therapy would be a better way to work thru that, not a relationship with an emotional jellyfish.

2.) His Mom: she’s hijacking your wedding, yes, she’s controlling and is pushy af. how is she with her husband? i’m guessing she is very used to “ruling the roost” and doesn’t like that her future dil is very assertive.

3.) Jack: Jack needs to put his foot down to both you and his mom and start speaking up for himself, otherwise he will have two “alpha women” stomping all over him while fighting amongst themselves

tbh, I kinda feel bad for Jack bc his mother is domineering, and so are you.

georgettaporcupine said:

NTA.....kinda. Like, why did you go to Bertha's house and tell her this? Why not just send them out? Do you enjoy escalating conflict?

OP responded:

I wanted to let her know as a way to ease tension when her family gets the letters in the mail. But it seemed to backfire.

In the comments, OP added this note:

Just to clarify a few things. This was taking out my original post because of community guidelines. I'm a survivor of DV. I appreciate my fiance's meekness because I feel safe in his quiet demeanor. I understand that my wording may have turned people off. I did not mean to offend anyone.

Everyone wants to love and to be loved. All I want is a relationship where I can feel respected and heard. After reading your comments I think I need to take some time to fully think about my impending future before it's too late.

Then she shared this UPDATE:

WE BROKE UP YESTERDAY thanks for all the helpful comments.