'My grandpa had a 4-year-old daughter before he passed. I said I’ll take her, now my life is upside down.' UPDATED

"My grandfather had a 4 year old daughter before he passed. My whole family wants to send her to an orphanage. I said I’ll take her and now everything in my life is upside down."

Hi. I’m 23M, and this week my entire life changed.

Three days ago, my grandfather passed away. He was 78. He had two kids: my mom and my uncle. I’m the youngest in our family, or at least I thought I was.

My family is very big. During the wake, a huge bomb dropped on all of us. It turns out my grandfather had a four year old daughter. With a cleaning lady who used to help him around the house. The woman is gone and no one knows where she went. The girl’s name is Lenka, and she’s tiny, quiet, and completely alone. And everyone in my family hates her.

At the funeral, nobody would even look at her. I saw her curled up in the corner of the room, like she was trying to disappear. And the only conversation anyone had was who’s NOT going to take her. They all agreed she should be sent to an orphanage. I don’t know what happened to me at that moment, but I snapped. I walked over to her, knelt down, smiled, and asked, Would you like to live with me?

She didn’t say anything. Just slowly nodded. And that was it. That night, Lenka came home with me. She had been staying with my cousin for a few days, and Nika handed me her health card and basically said good luck.

I’m a 23-year old guy living alone in a small apartment in eastern Slovakia. I work from home. I pay rent. I’m not rich. I’ve never raised a child. I’m still an external university student. I go to school on weekends. But she came with me. And she’s been here since.

That night she didn’t say a word on the car ride. I showed her my apartment, gave her food. She barely reacted. Later that night, while I was trying to sleep… I broke. It was 2 a.m. and I was crying like I haven’t cried in years. I kept thinking: What the hell am I doing? How can I raise a child when I’m just a kid myself? My family won’t help. Everyone will judge me. She’s not even technically my niece she’s my aunt.

(Yeah. That part’s wild. She’s my mom’s half-sister. Which makes her my aunt. But she’s 4.) I couldn’t sleep at all that night. Around 3am we had a little accident, she wet the bed. She didn’t cry. She just tried to hide the blanket like she didn’t want me to find out. My heart cracked in half. I told her everything’s okay and helped her clean up. In the morning, I explained we needed to go shopping for her things.

We walked to the store only 5 minutes away, but it took us 15. She was trying to be independent and didn’t want to hold my hand. But on the way back, she was so tired she almost collapsed on the sidewalk. I asked if I could carry her, and she said no at first but after a few more steps, I picked her up anyway. She looked annoyed, but didn’t resist. We made it home.

I made her breakfast (thank you to the friend who gave me ideas), then told her we had to go to some offices so I could become her guardian. I thought I’d just drop off the papers. Instead, the whole process started immediately. It was chaos. I brought every document I had, my ID, death certificate, her health card, a letter I wrote asking for emergency temporary custody.

But when I got to the child services office (ÚPSVaR), one woman… tore me apart. She was cold and cruel and basically called me a stupid boy to my face. You’re just a kid. You can’t raise another kid. You don’t even have rights to her. She’s better off with her mother.

And she said all of this in front of Lenka, who was sitting quietly in my lap.

I looked down and saw tears running down her face. At first, I didn’t even notice just felt her little body trembling. She was crying silently.

I gently apologized to the woman, stood up, and said we’d come back later. I took Lenka outside and walked her to a little ice cream shop nearby. We sat together in silence. I explained we’d have to go back and talk to the mean lady, but I promised I’d stay with her the whole time. She nodded.

Back inside, the woman didn’t get any nicer, but she did explain what would happen next. Basically exactly what I had read online: social workers will visit us. They'll try to contact her mother. If they find her, she may get legal priority. But I’m going to fight this. Because if that woman abandoned Lenka once, she’ll do it again. And I won’t let that happen.

Now it’s late again. I’m completely drained. And I need to say this somewhere: I love this kid. I’ve known her for three days and I’d do anything to protect her. But I’m falling apart inside. I work from home, which is the only reason this is even possible. But on weekends I go to university, and I’ll probably have to give that up. There's no babysitting culture here in Slovakia, especially not in a small town like ours.

I’m selling my motorcycle so I’ll have more money for her. I’m terrified I’ll never find a girlfriend because what 23 year old wants a boyfriend with a 4-year-old?

I feel like I traded everything I used to be…for someone who deserves a better life. And I don’t regret it.

But I’m scared. And tired. And trying not to break. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. I just needed to let it out.

If you read all this…thank you. Really. And if anyone’s been through something similar any advice would mean the world.

The commenters had lots of thoughts to share.

tina_marie1018 wrote:

I don't have any advice, but as someone who grew up unwanted I do want to tell you Thank you for taking her in and wanting to fight for her. It means so much more than you will ever know.

OP responded:

Thank you...I needed this

evb666 wrote:

You are a good person and I am rooting for you.

OP responded:

Thanks...any advice?

evb666 wrote:

Firstly, document everything! Dont let the horrible social worker get to you, you’re a hero to little Lenka right now. Seek out some parenting forums, single dad groups or even local churches and community centres that may have resources/can offer support. Children thrive on predictability so having some semblance of a routine will help you both, make sure that includes a little breathing space for yourself!

Lenka’s trauma won’t vanish overnight and patience is everything, you are already taking small steps of trust. You don’t have to be perfect, just keep showing up for her - you learn as you go and are more than enough right now. I am sure your grandfather will be looking over you.

RainbowBright1982 wrote:

When someone says document everything it does mean as literal much as you can. In the beginning take a full body (clothed) picture of her every month. Stick it in a binder with a piece of paper where you write out her height and weight. Write notes like what she likes to eat and watch and play and what books your reading to her.

This serves two purposes, you can prove she is healthy growing and cared for, you can also prove you are caring for her and know things about her. It also gives you a regular current photo in case mom tries to show up and yoink her. It may sound tedious or annoying but it will be so worthwhile one day when she grows up and you can show her what she was like as a little person.

Nani65 wrote:

You will never be sorry that you stood up for her. I don't know anything about what you need to do to get formal custody of her, but I'd guess a lawyer would be useful. Aside from custody, surely she would be entitled to your grandfather's estate. Good luck to you, OP. I am sending the two of you hugs.

OP responded:

I can’t afford a lawyer, but I will fight. Thank you.

Quick-Store2989 wrote:

I don’t know laws in your country but your grandfather has an estate and she should be entitled to something as his child. That will help offset raising her. Not sure what death benefits look like for children we deceased parents that still need support. Look into those options as well.

OP responded:

The entire land and house were already decided and divided between my mom and uncle about ten years ago. That’s what the will says. If I wanted to fight this proposal, I would have to hire a lawyer. At least grandpa left me a field and some plots of forest land.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to make a quick update to thank you all. My last update is still waiting for approval from the admins, probably because I asked people for financial help to pay for a lawyer, but I won’t do that again.

I hate myself for doing it in the first place. I sold my motorcycle and I’ll manage somehow on my own. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I really needed to hear that. I tried to reply to as many comments as I could, but there are just too many.

Lenka is doing well. She finally started smiling. I introduced her to my neighbor, an older lady who never had children. She looked after Lenka while I went to get her toys from her grandfather’s house. She also has a dog, and Lenka just can't stop playing with it. One night, Lenka found me crying. She sleeps in my bed and I’ve taken the couch. I guess she must’ve heard me.

She came to me and asked if I was crying because of her...of course I said no. And when she hugged me, my heart shattered into a million pieces. I will protect that child. She’s mine and I’ll do anything for her. The next part of the update will be in Slovak. I’m sorry, but I need help, and the quickest way will be if someone from Slovakia or the Czech Republic responds.

Ahoj ak to čítaš tak ti ďakujem. Chcem ťa poprosiť o pomoc. Je mi to veľmi nepríjemné žiadať o pomoc takto ale nemám iné možnosti. Lenka potrebuje hračky a nové oblečenie. Stále sa hrá s hračkami ktoré sú pravdepodobne ešte po mojej mame. Zašiel som na charitu po nové oblečenie ale nič moc. Prosim ak to čítaš a povaľujú sa ti hračky po tvojom dieťati doma tak ťa prosím ozvy sa mi. Prosím.

Translation

Hi, if you're reading this, thank you. I want to ask you for help. It's very uncomfortable for me to ask for help like this, but I have no other options. Lenka needs toys and new clothes.

She is still playing with toys that probably belong to my mom. I went to charity for new clothes, but there wasn't much. Please, if you're reading this and have toys from your child lying around at home, I kindly ask you to contact me. Please.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

philialiliana wrote:

OP, you are a wonderful Person and I’m sure there will be lots of women who would want a man with a heart like yours. What you do for that kid is selfless and kind and good. And she will be forever grateful for the one person who stood by her when all the others failed. I am not sure whether is it affordable to get her into therapy but I strongly suggest ist for the both of you. I wish you all the best!

OP responded:

Yes, I’m planning to take her to a therapist. In Slovakia, if you pay for health insurance, it’s free. I’m paying for her health insurance, and I also paid extra for various injuries and so on.

NotTrynaMakeWaves wrote:

Hi OP,

Some small advice. You’re doing amazing and I admire your humanity and resolve. Childcare is tiring though in body and soul and it would be easy to slide into a world of putting Lenka first and only Lenka.

This will burn you out. There will be times where it’s in her best interest to come second and to put yourself first. You’re sleeping on the sofa. You need to work out a way of getting a proper sofa bed.

It doesn’t have to be new and you can sometimes pick them up for cheap or even free in local groups. You have to make sure that you’re sleeping well because if you’re not then it will affect your mood, your health and your parenting relationship with Lenka. Socialising. Being a single parent will mean that you almost never go out and run the risk of getting cut off socially.

Look at something like D&D which can be played online through Discord/Roll20 which will give you access to adult conversation. Take the opportunity if she’s invited to a sleepover to go out and see friends even if you think you could just sleep for a thousand years. Your mental health is important. You’re doing great but don’t lose sight of your own well-being.

OP responded:

Thank you for the advice...my friend offered to sell me his son's bed, so I should be back in my own bed in a few days, at least I hope so. And oh God... I didn’t even think about that. Since she’s been with me, I haven’t gone out with my friends even once. I really need to look into that. Thank you.

alianaoxenfree wrote:

Take her with you to meet your friends and hang out! As a single parent I brought my kid everywhere and she was just my little sidekick and I got to socialize, and she got to socialize and it was helpful to both our growth!

OP responded:

Yes, I will probably do that. I belong to a motorcycle club or at least I used to, because I sold my motorcycle... but everyone in the club is incredibly kind. I’ll take her bowling with us.