Groom bans family from interfering with wedding plans, 'you don't have any respect for us!' AITA?
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"AITA for not letting family be part of wedding plans?"
Me (29 M) and my wife (26 F) plan on hosting our wedding next February. My parents and brother have a history of being very toxic to me. I was always their punching bag. I became estranged from my brother 7 years ago and my life has been way better. Being able to be civil with him during the holidays but not conversating for more than 30 seconds.
My parents always are upset when me and my wife can’t make plans with them. My parents hang up abruptly in anger on the phone when we voice anything that doesn’t align with them. It’s become quite the norm. They also always threaten to leave my life if I make a decision that doesn’t align with theirs. And leave me in an awkward ultimatum.
Me and my wife plan on budgeting our wedding on our own as we are financially stable. We’ve denied all donations from family as we want to leave all strings detached. We picked out our garden venue and it had a maximum 150 guests that we have picked.
My parents and us had a get together which I begrudgingly went to because I knew it would end in argument. My father kept telling us he was inviting over 30-40 of his friends and distant relatives.
Some are people I have never met and other family members I do not enjoy the company of due to them being always critical and judging. His argument was “you need to show respect. They babysit you as a baby. They’re my best friend.” They wanted us to change our venue and have their band perform, pick our outfits. He was constantly talking over my wife saying “don’t say no to your parents, I don’t want to hear it.”
Me and my wife decided to only invite the family that we see during the holidays. The argument turned to my father saying “what about us? We are your parents!” I tried to explain I wouldn’t mind him having guests if our guest list frees up. But more shouting continues “don’t tell me no, just say yes now!”
I told my parents, “you don’t have any respect for us!” Once again, the ultimatum from my parents, “if you want your parents to come you better let my friends in, I will stand outside the venue until you let us in!”
At this point me and my wife leave with me telling them “don’t come!" At this point I am not inviting my parents until they apologize to my wife. And not inviting my brother as I was doing this only for a favor for my parents. I will leave space open for them if they apologize and agree to not interferes with planning. I just want them to be guests and not part of any wedding plans as they are so narcissistic and controlling. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Less_Ordinary_8516 said:
NTA. I would be afraid of some stuff getting started at the wedding. Your father and brother need a keeper, or they will be dragging 40 of their buddies thru the doors! Be strong about setting your boundaries, because they are determined to break them down. Luckily you are an adult, and you don't have to listen to them anymore. They are mad at the loss of control, and trying desperately to get it back. Congratulations on your wedding, stay strong, and good luck!
bkwormtricia said:
NTA. Hire professional security, so only people on YOUR invitation list get to enter the venue. And your disrespectful parents and brother should not be on the list, because they will intentionally cause trouble since you do not bow to their wishes.
Stop visiting them, or answering their calls and texts. Why give them more opportunities to try to browbeat you, insult abd threaten you? Just go no contact. Your lives will be less stressful, and happier. And they might eventually learn to respect you.
Hot-Freedom-5886 said:
NTA. But surely you see that this dynamic isn’t likely to change. Your parents want you to bend to their will, regardless of whether it’s reasonable.
ThatsItImOverThis said:
NTA. Next time they offer that ultimatum, take them up on it. Best case scenario, you and your wife can go on to live your best lives. Worst case? You flip the script and it goes from demands to guilt trips and talks of obligation.
TheMerle1975 said:
NTA, but you really need to be firmer in your dealings with your parents. Just because one gave birth and the other managed to provide necessities like food/shelter/clothing, does not give them the right to bully you.
Next time they pull the we'll just stop interacting or communicating with you, tell them OK. And then promptly walk out/away. Do not give them the ability to waffle on this or try to get back into good graces. Just walk away, and then limit how they can contact you going forward.
If you feel froggy after a while, send them a letter detailing why you did this, what you expect from them, and the finality of things if they are unable to change their ways. Either way, your life will be so much less stressful than even after kicking your brother to the curb.
thfemaleofthespecies said:
NTA. Is there anyone else who treats you like this who you’re inviting to share in your happiness on your wedding day? I doubt it. So why would these people get a free pass simply because they’re closely related to you? You celebrate your special moments with people who bring you happiness, not with toxic control freaks.
I mean, do you want to look at your wedding photos and be thinking of the fight your dad started with you on your wedding day, or do you want to be thinking how happy you both look because there was no drama?