Groom 'blackmails' estranged parents into coming to 'big flashy wedding,' 'it's not my shame to carry.' AITA?
"AITA for 'blackmailing' my parents to come to my wedding?"
I'm 30M getting married in 3 weeks to my 31F wife , this situation does not concern my bride--just me and my parents. So 4 to 5 years ago while on a fishing trip I discovered my father was cheating on my mother. The way I found out makes my blood boil more than the fact he was cheating.
The man introduced me to her as his "very dear friend." It was strange, uncomfortable, gross and weird of him--I'm not sure what was on his mind when he did that. We always have been close so maybe he thought I'd be in the same page and cover for him "now that I'm a man myself." He didn't use the word affair partner but you know a couple when you see it and that woman knew she was the side chick.
So coming home I of course just straight up told my mother and all hell broke loose and they both ended up disowning me. I got over it and went with my life--I was in my late 20's back then living in another country so it was not a big change. I just lost my weekly phone calls and my every 2 years trip with my dad.
The story I give my fiancé that we just had a disagreement over inheritance. She was fine with it, till the wedding came closer and she proposed the possibility to have a small wedding. I was confused because this woman's dream was to have a flashy wedding, but turns out she was being sensitive to the fact I have no parents there.
So I simply told her that I'll work it out and to keep the original plan and change nothing. I will even invite my whole extended family too I already send invites and most of them said they'll come.
I arranged a Skype call over an email and after a small talk I informed them I expect them to be there they were slightly surprised but okay till I heard some snarky comment of my father about how I didn't talk to them for years and expect support now without mending things first.
I simply told him that the only reason they're invited is just because my family all accepts the invitation and my bride doesn't want her parents to be the only parents to sit alone in the table (she arranged seats like this so both parents gets to know each other).
They got offended that I invited everyone before them and more because I invited them for appearance. I sighed and said "Look if you're not coming it's fine if someone asks, I'll tell them the truth" and I hang up.
I got too many emails since last night about how dare I blackmail them. Truthfully I don't mind telling my extended family any of it, it's not my shame to carry it's theirs and I will not see any of theses people face to face after the wedding. The only reason I did not tell my bride is because I thought it will kill her joy and distract her from planning her perfect picture wedding.
Here's what top commenters had to say about his one:
Case_no_292 said:
NTA in General. You didn’t blackmail them. You offered them a choice based on what them did. People have to live with consequences of their actions. They reap what they sow.
But YTA for not telling your future wife. She will be family and keeping that from here is a huge secret, she will stumble upon and she’ll be angry at you for not telling her.
Devillitta said:
YTA, you lied to your fiance, you went no contact with your parents but want them to come to your wedding which is really strange and you're manipulating the situation to benefit you.
RaccoonKey2860 said:
Why can’t people just tell the truth ? It’s so much easier. YTA . You picked a habit from your father it’s lying to your SO.
antizana said:
YTA. For lying to your wife and constructing this whole elaborate scenario. You can’t start a marriage based on lies and what’s the actual problem with telling your future wife that you don’t speak to your parents because they disowned you because of your father’s cheating? So what…. But lying to her is a recipe for disaster. You care more about keeping up appearances and that is not going to go well.
Tarik861 said:
YTA. You realize that by not telling your fiance and keeping this information - which is significant and important - you are practicing exactly the same type of deceit that your father did. You need to tell her - FAST - because you can't keep this big of a secret and it will eventually come out anyhow. Hopefully she will not cancel the wedding, but you need to recognize that is a possibility. This is a major breach of trust.
FWIW, I think you're making a mistake; I'd come clean with the future wife and un-invite the parents. Why the hell would you risk having them at your wedding and causing a scene?
I also think it's a bit odd that your mom cut ties with you when you told her about your dad cheating. I strongly suspect that there is information and context missing here; that, or there was already a lot of dysfunction going on in your family and your mom already knew, was OK with it and by bringing it up you forced them to address the situation.
FreeTheHippo said:
YTA. Lying to your wife. Bullying your parents that you don't even talk to in order to make them come to an event that you don't even want them at in order to keep the low going.