Groom annoyed that dying SIL 'trying to overshadow' his upcoming wedding. AITA?
"AITA for getting annoyed at my SIL dying of cancer ruining my wedding?"
Snoo_61002
I don't intend for the title to be so harsh sounding, but I don't know how else to put it. I'll also sound blunt, but I'm just posting the facts as presented. I'm marrying my partner (A), who is from another country. Her sister (B) is dying of cancer, it is heart breaking, she is a young mother and wife.
Her diagnosis was about four years ago. When she was first diagnosed she was given 1-2 years. Since we were in a different country, as she (B) remained in her home country with her family after her sister (A) immigrated, we saved up some money and traveled to say goodbye to her.
It was about the 1.5 year mark when we went to say goodbye, and we had gotten engaged soon beforehand. So we also went over to visit some of the family and ask them how long they needed to save to come across for our wedding, as our dollar is much stronger than theirs. They said 2 years, so that was agreed.
We spent a month with her, laughing, lamenting, spending as much quality time as possible with her. By the end of the trip though, and with the chemo, she was exhausted. We said our heart breaking goodbyes assuming to never see her again.
And then she made a miraculous recovery, with a less than 1% chance of happening, which was awesome. We, along with her other family members who had also immigrated (such as her father and brother) decided to put money together and support her to move over here to spend the rest of her life with us. That was about a year ago.
Now my partner and I are getting married in 2 weeks. All of her family are coming to visit, its a big joyous occasion with lots of travel, we've forked out thousands to help her family get here, and they're all staying for a month or so to celebrate our wedding and spend time with us.
Two weeks ago B got a bad diagnosis, they found lumps, and they said she has about a year left to live. She (for obvious reasons) didn't handle this well, and lashed out at us and our wedding telling us not to talk about it around her.
My partner has always kind of lived in her older sisters shadow, so she was really excited to be celebrated and made a fuss of for once. But B has told everyone about her diagnosis, and has started saying "This is the last time I will see most of you". Now the focus is completely off my partner and our wedding, and is absolutely about B.
I feel heartless and heart broken, but I'm frustrated by this. She has been going out of her way to make sure the people who are coming across (who we have paid thousands for flights, not that it matters that much) are spending as much time with her as possible as this is "the last time she will see them".
Now this period of joy and celebration has an undeniable black cloud hung over it, and people very obviously have stopped making my partner feel special. On top of this, B has maintained her stance that we not talk about our wedding around her.
But the big issue is that B got married during COVID, so never got a father/daughter dance. She wants to have one at our wedding, after my partner has a father/daughter dance, with her own song which - to be honest - sad as f*.
I have said no, because my partner wanted to say no but felt too guilty so I had to be the bad guy. I also told my partner that if we're not to talk about our wedding around her sister, then I don't want her sister talking about her dying around us.
Now I'm being called an AH. I do absolutely feel like one, but I also feel like this is grossly unfair to ask us to brush our wedding under the carpet because of this. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
MizzyvonMuffling
If true and she was given a year to live, she could give her sister that one day and stay quiet. But no, she makes it about herself, her missed dance, her missed whatever and ruins the day for you guys that way assuming she's telling the truth. I get weird vibes. If I were you, I'd go to the courthouse/elope without telling anyone and cancel the celebration and have one way later.
The OP responded here:
Snoo_61002
We considered this, my partner had a breakdown over it and said she wanted to do this. I asked her if she was sure, we had a conversation, and she changed her mind. We've done too much, prepared too much, gotten too excited for the whole time together to just pull the plug.
Valis_Monkey
Terminal cancer person here. In my vast experience with drs, cancer and treatment, drs will never say you have a year. The only time I ever heard from anyone about dying was 4 years ago when I weighed 85 lbs.
And all they said was, “Have you chosen a hospice? You need to get ready.”. They told me, when I had my own miraculous recovery, that they thought I probably had a few weeks. It is seriously like pulling teeth to get a timeline out of them.
Because things change constantly! This cancer would have killed me right away, even just ten years ago and now I am still responding to new treatments. As of now the most they say is that this cancer doesn’t ever go away and eventually the treatment will stop working.
80hd_mother_son
This is a twisted question however is there proof positive she's sick? Hear me out the timing has seen her immigrate on the dime of others. Her recovery was miraculous... Then right at the moment her sister is getting married, she has a relapse.
Even if you had proof was sick initially her relapse has let her get all of her sister's wedding attention plus all a redo on wedding stuff. I know I sound callous but from this platform I learned people are capable of all kinds of stuff.
The OP again responded:
Snoo_61002
I share these concerns, I'm just not sure what to do about them. I can't accuse her of lying for attention, the whole situation will explode.
GhostPantherNiall
NTA. She sounds awful and it’s being exacerbated by the cancer. The problem is that you and your future spouse are going to look like TA whatever you do and whatever you do won’t be enough for the sister.
You could make yourselves some Bingo cards with her predicted bad behaviours for the actual day (“Demands some kind of In Memorial tribute”, “Tells strangers about her diagnosis and her medical history”, “Collapses during the vows to steal maximum spotlight”) and that might make it easier for you both to deal with the situation.