'My wife ruined our wedding.' UPDATED
"My wife ruined our wedding."
Some background to start: Last year, my (m42) wife Leanna (44f) and I had a horrible wedding. It was ruined from A to Z. Right now, I’m so deflated that I can only ask her for a divorce.
For context, she’s my JustNo Fil’s Golden Child, something I didn’t understand until we got married. Her sister Mandy (f45) is the scapegoat and they don’t have a good relationship.
Mandy’s mother was his wife, and my absolute abomination of a MIL was the AP. FIL walked out on his pregnant wife, lied to his family about already having gotten a divorce and passed Leanna as his first and only child.
Eventually, his mother found out and created a relationship with Mandy that ended when the granny died, leaving everything to her as her favorite grandkid.
I didn’t even know that I had a SIL until years into the relationship. Ironically, Mandy grew up poor and now she’s very well off financially. I can’t give too much detail for obvious reasons.
FIL is very close to my wife. MIL and my wife tend to have loud fights followed by making up and spells of mutual NC. For years, I thought she was just a victim but I’m extremely disappointed in her, as a person as my wife. I don’t care if Mandy is not perfect or whatever, there are things that you don't do to another human being.
FIL’s family had always made me feel very out of place. I sucked it up because Leanna insisted she wanted to stay in touch with her family.
They are “erudites” at EVERYTHING (lol), and when they don’t understand something, they’ll start an argument for the sake of showing you that your interests are meaningless.
Also, they think they are super important only because they have one single notable ancestor. They wield his name as a weapon every time they feel invalidated, or proven wrong, or ignored.
Their only other publicly recognized family member is Mandy and that has divided the family. Many of them just wanna hang out with her and take selfies. The rest is very bitter about this and it's quite unhealthy.
I think FIL is pissed that he can’t claim not even a millimeter of her success because he abandoned her, and FIL loves to take credit. I’ve seen him doing sketchy stuff like publicly announcing he gave money to a guy on a traffic light (lengthy social media posts where he brags) and constantly using name-dropping.
So we got engaged and I was truly happy. We lived 3 states away from everyone and had a very emotionally fulfilling relationship. I’m sorry to sound bitter but “Mandy” happened to us. I know she’s not at fault but I’m just perplexed and angry.
According to their Aunts, Mandy has a history of disappearing for years and allowing family members to contact her. Aunt Velda, the youngest senior family member, loves Mandy and told me the entire background when she realized I was being bullied and kept in the dark.
Ths happened during one of our family reunions when Leanna switched personalities and immediately sided with FIL while he was treating me with disrespect over differing opinions.
He immediately wielded obscure history texts. I’m not an academic, but I can remember my stuff when I learn it. So I pulled a link and sent it to him and things got worse.
He started talking down at me, like I’m less because “his family generations upon generation of college education”. I felt horrible, not only at being bullied and having to control myself, but because I received ZERO support from the woman that I loved. I could have said so many things but bit my tongue.
These people look down on everyone, but have very little to show for it. Some have jobs without careers and my own wife is an example. Can anyone freaking tell me why someone with an Ivy League diploma can’t ever find a job? Yeah, that’s her. And I never judged her until I felt like they were stomping me.
At this point I hadn’t met Mandy. I had a chance to meet her (very briefly) during a theater function where the family bought mass tickets. She sat by a very expensive spot, dressed differently, and was surrounded by upscale people. This pissed FIL off and he was hostile.
She always does this. If we went on a family holiday, she would stay at separate accommodations. Honestly, she doesn’t fit in with the rest of the family.
So while on our wedding preparations, my wife and I had a huge argument. I wanted something very small and affordable. Leanna was set on having our wedding at the “family estate”.
We went to see it, FIL gave me a walk through and I really liked it. It had a chapel, lots of land and a very nice rural feel to it. We were very advanced into all the details when I found out Mandy didn’t agree to it.
I was worried, but FIL reassured me. Mandy did show up at the pre-wedding dinner and again, said she wasn’t interested. FIL got furious and yelled at her. Honestly, I’ve never seen FIL getting yelled at.
Mandy had the same crazy expression on her face as FIL when he’s about to be really narcissistic and told him off while getting on his face. I hate confrontation because it makes me really anxious.
And the worst part is how she turned around and yelled at MIL, called her horrible s*** shaming names and telling her to come harass her and her mom now that she has all the money in the world to make her head roll to the ground. I hate this. Leanna got pushed back into her chair by her own sister and it was unnecessary.
I’ve never seen anyone showing rage at multiple targets at the same time and pushing someone so hard. I feel horrible about this because I was shamed for freezing and not intervening. I felt guilty but I couldn’t react. Even if I’m divorcing her, I feel horrible.
Leanna and FIL talked and he called to apologize. He asked me to move the wedding 2 hours earlier. I had family coming from out of town so I didn’t know if that would work, He also said Mandy was sorry.
We got to the venue and it was closed. This is how the nightmare started. FIL said to just squeeze thru the fence because the guy with the keys wasn’t available. I had a bad feeling because We’d been decorating the night before and I never saw anyone carrying any keys.
The wedding started normally until someone came into the premises with agricultural equipment and made huge noises. We couldn’t hear our own vows and the reception was ruined because the floor was flooded.
The linen soaked up all the water. We ended up taking the food and eating in a corner. At no point was I ever given clarity on anything. I found out weeks later that it was Mandy’s property.
Maybe I was out of line but when I had a short chance at calling her out, she told me she was under no obligation to disclose stuff, that I should take it as a warning and finally see that being with Leanna was destroying my happiness.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
antiquity_queen says:
The wedding sounds like the least of your issues. Blech
techman writes:
it’s a all mess so contact a lawyer, look for your rights,took your stuff and leave without talking with Leanna and make sure to have only contact through your lawyer ! You need to end all that stupid show ,Her family is a mess/curse on himself and i think even the Universe tried to worn you but you didn’t saw the signs.
When you will be far,find a therapist to start your healing,work on your self esteem/worth/confidence,build boundaries,higher your standards to be able to move on in your life !
Those people are just a lesson not your curse so don’t let them ruined the possibilities to build a good life and maybe with someone who is not that crazy and mean!
Ps: When you will leave, contact Mandy and told her everything they say and do,she need to stop begging for their love and start focus on herself ! They don’t deserve her and letting them hurting her continually is not good for her. She must build her own family who will love her deeply without caring of her money
bizanka writes:
Divorce sounds like a right decision. You don't want to live resenting your wife, life is too short.
And now OP's update:
Leanna and I separated after 8 weeks. We had a bad honeymoon. I’m resentful but what really gets me is that both her and FIL tried to hurt Mandy and sh@t on me in the process.
Then I’m starting to hear these sordid tales about how FIL standardized and normalized humiliating Mandy in favor of Leanna, how he forced her to give up her XMAS presents and birthday money.
I’m irritated, but Leanna is also an adult now and the last event seemingly happened less than 10 years ago, when FIL attempted to force Mandy to help Leanna start a business. I’m sorry if this is too long, it's just that I need to vent and let it all out.
I just want to leave and go back to my family. And I’m even ashamed to admit that I managed to text an apology after the wedding fiasco because I feel like somehow, my wedding got canceled.
We couldn't cut the cake properly, just had someone take it back into the kitchen and distribute it because the floor was wet and the servers couldn’t risk it. The music system was unplugged for safety, so no dancing.
There is nothing to be done. I’m sorry if I sound pathetic. Maybe I’m not being the best husband but my family traveled all the way. I know weddings aren't traditionally a guy’s dream but I did have my own wishes for the big day.
Leanna went crazy on me and instead of apologizing to my family or to me for not being transparent, she raised her eyebrows every time I wanted to talk and ended up yelling at me.
We gave each other the silent treatment until it was so painful that I just asked her to leave. I don’t wanna date anybody. I haven’t been able to look at the wedding pictures. I’m just disgusted and hurt. I want to leave her.