Groom threatens in-laws; 'I don't CARE if you paid for our wedding, I'm NOT going.' AITA?

When this man loses his temper on his in-laws, he asks the internet:

"AITA for threatening to not attend my paid wedding?"

So I 26m and my fiancée 26f have been engaged since last year. We’ve been planning for the wedding since, it’s settled next year march.

My fiancée family is very doting on her, made it clear to me several times how they only treat me like family because she loves me. For the sake of this story, I will just call them ILs.

Me and my fiancée actually had our own plans for our wedding, but because my parents kind of paid for the house we are living in, her parents insisted to pay for the wedding. Although she did told me they had intentions to, I didn’t know it was going to be for everything.

At first everything was fine, we wanted a venue but we compromise to something agreeable like another venue because my ILs fancied it more and we could take it aesthetic wise. Or maybe instead of pink flowers they wanted purple, I found it tacky but sure.

Problem came when I got the invitation list. 300 people? I’ve always made it clear I preferred an intimate wedding but out of respect for my fiancée and her family I did compromise with her to go maybe 200 and even then, how do you even get 200 people to come to your wedding??

I pulled her aside and I was asked her whether she knew anyone she said maybe 80 people. The rest were relatives. She could tell I was restless and tried to assure me by cutting some. But she seems to not really understand why I’m nervous cause “it’s all paid”.

We went back in and ask my ILs whether we could cut down the size but my ILs were adamant saying that weddings are sacred and everyone should witness the union of our bond?

My sister scoffed from the side and made a snarky comment on how we didn’t need every neighbour to come get some free food to show our love and my ILs were pissed.

They said this number were already disrespecting their daughter and I should man up and face a crowd. I’m a bit introverted. They also commented since they are paying they should have a say in who they want to invite.

That kind of triggered and I retaliated by saying that this was my wedding and if they insist on this amount of people, I as the groom, will simply not go.

They were shocked since I usually don’t lose my temper, I’m a very mild tempered man. My fiancée looked at me disappointed and so did my ILs, they just left and haven’t contacted me.

I really don’t know if this was AH of me considering the whole wedding is paid and my ILs have been working tirelessly to make our wedding perfect. But I was TRIGGERED.

Edit: me and my fiancé are on the same page. She’s just more understanding of a bigger wedding than a small one cause that’s what she’s used to. And even if she doesn’t necessarily understand me she was fully ready to support me.

I didn’t add that in but she was reassuring and supporting me. She did try to gently coax me to change my mind but when I said no, she was fully ready to fight my ILs for it. I usually don’t react like this but life’s been a bit stressful lately so that’s been a really out of nature reaction for me.

Add on, I have really bad anxiety, hyperventilating kind, like I said me and my wife had this conversation before, while she’s more understanding of a big wedding she prefers a smaller wedding without relatives too. The quota of guest was conveyed very clearly to them.

Also my fiancé just text me, basically verbatim “wrong move bitch” “now I got to clean this mess up” “you better prepare my ice cream with strawberries when I’m back” but she did assure me that she will absolutely keep it at 200 even if it meant that she’s getting skinned. I will show her the post when she’s back

Check out some top comments (and responses from OP):

townwolf writes:

INFO: are you from different cultures? Your fiancé might be more dependent on her family than you think. And her family openly barely tolerated you even before this conflict. So, the question is: do you really need constant fight in every aspect of your life because it started well before your marriage.

OP responds:

Yes different cultures. No me and my fiancé never had a problem, my ILs didn’t approved of me due to my education so I worked really hard and in the mean time she fought for me.

It was a really long journey, we grew up with each other supporting each other. Almost every time her family made snark she has defended me. Almost every compromise made by my ILs for this wedding were fought by her.

aghapq writes:

YTA for going nuclear and threatening to not show up. I think you need to have a serious chat with your fiance about whose wedding this is and why you guys are letting them take over. Yes they get a say and yes they get to invite some people because they are paying.\

But they don't get to more than double the size of your event with a bunch of people you don't know/don't want there. I ran into this with my parents when I was planning mine, and we compromised and I gave them a number that was "theirs" to decide.

squiarreleacha writes:

NTA. You and your fiancée need to be on the same page as to what kind of wedding you want. Your IL's think paying gives them control of the wedding. Take control away from them by funding your own wedding and doing it as small and intimate as you want.

There's no point trying to be a nice guy here as they will just railroad you to get what they want. This is your wedding, your memories and you want them to be happy memories, not filled with strife about fighting for every detail you want. The most important part is you need to be sure that your fiancee feels the same way you do. Please update when choices have been made.

lejadiz writes:

YTAH. Admit it, you threw a tantrum. You have no power in this situation and instead of discussing anything you threw out a bomb.

Your ILs are paying for and planning your wedding. In their culture, weddings are big. They think it’s disrespectful to have a small wedding.

Meanwhile your reason for wanting a small wedding is selfish. You are an introvert so you want to avoid an event that is important to your wife and ILs. And when you felt like you were losing the fight you threaten to not show up? Because you are not getting what you want.

Edit: I want to add how hurt your fiancée must be for you to say that you won’t show up if it’s a big wedding. Does SHE want a small wedding? have you asked her? Honestly if my guy said that I’d be having second thoughts about marrying him.

feaalut writes:

If you guys are gonna have kids, they're going to be all over your business, telling you how to parent and criticizing you for not instilling the right values in your kids, and then they're gonna point out you're living in a house that they own and you basically owe them obedience.

(And if you don't wanna have kids, I do not envy you the years of pressure campaigns they're gonna start, and the worry that maybe they've convinced your wife but she's not telling you.)

That's where this is heading. Hope that's how you want future to look. If it isn't, you and your GF need to stop accepting their financial assistance, period. Best of luck, you need it.

jeamag writes:

ESH. "They said this number were already disrespecting their daughter and I should man up and face a crowd. I’m a bit introverted.

They also commented since they are paying they should have a say in who they want to invite." They don't seem to have much respect for you and them paying for the wedding seems to be more about control than generosity.

That said, you kind of threw your wife under the bus by saying you wouldn't go to the wedding. If she can't rely on you to stand by her before the wedding, how can she rely on you after it?

offensitve23 writes:

This is just the beginning, friend. NTA. ILs will always be a challenge, so you absolutely have to be on the same page with your fiance/spouse. You get rolled over now, it's not going to stop there, there's holidays, events, birthdays, and eventually kids. Good luck.

My wife and I have been pushing back with my parents who are just as controlling, if that's the right word. And no matter the boundaries we set, they'll straighten up for a short period and then its' the same old shit again and again. The only way we survive it is by talking/agreeing to a plan before hand and then ahve each others backs when things go south.

rockoloagy writes:

INFO: are you prepared to pay for a wedding without their help?

It sounds like your ILs don't like you, and while that sucks, it also sounds like there is a cultural difference here, and that's going to root a lot of your problems. If culture is important to your ILs, they may feel culturally obligated to have the large wedding. Ensuring that it happens might be the only reason they offered to pay.

It sounds like your wife leans more towards your side, but a) is that actually true or is she compromising for you, and b) does that apply to everything else coming down the pipe? Are you planning on kids? How will they be raised?

It's VERY true that if they are paying for the whole shindig, then they get a say on who gets an invitation. Again... they may only be paying to ensure it matches their cultural desires, and if that is the case, then either they get what they want, or you pay your own way.

It's tempting to jump on and say that they offered to pay for YOUR wedding and they should do things your way, but that's out of line with how family and culture actually work. They are under no obligation to pay for this. They are offering to pay to ensure their culture and their wants are respected in their daughter's nuptials.

manabienz writes:

NTA. Dude, it’s your wedding, not a free-for-all family reunion. Just because the ILs are paying doesn’t mean they get to dictate every little detail, especially when it’s clear you wanted something more intimate.

300 people is a lot, and it’s totally fair to feel uncomfortable with that, especially if you’re introverted. Your fiancée and her family need to understand that “it’s all paid” doesn’t mean they get to bulldoze your preferences. This is supposed to be a day for you and your fiancée, not a crowd-pleaser.