Woman buys her own engagement ring after partner avoiding commitment for 8 years. It backfires. AITA? UPDATED 4X
"Had the timeline talk.. don’t feel great"
I (29F) have been with my partner (31M) for 8 years. We have finished university, bought a house together, and due to laws in our country, are “common-law”. In our province, that means we have essentially all the same rights as married couples.
We do our taxes together, if we break up we’ll have to go through divorce proceedings, for all intents and purposes we are legally bound to each other in the same way married people are. I call him my spouse or partner to other people.
Some people would think that this should be enough for me. We’re not having kids, we’re happy. But being married is something that means a lot to me, it’s the commitment that is there that I yearn for.
We’ve been talking and there’s some job opportunities far away from our home city that would offer him double the salary and all of these benefits to moving there since it’s a remote location. I’m applying for jobs that offer the same flexibility.
The cost of living in this place is very expensive, one of the highest in our country and that’s why his company offers benefits to moving there. I would get similar benefits depending on who I find a job with.
Not being able to save up for a wedding was the first thing that popped into my head. It would be expensive and pointless to have a wedding in our new location because getting there by plane costs over $1500 so our friends and family likely wouldn’t be able to join us.
I told him the other night that before we move, we would have to get married. He said that wouldn’t be ideal because he plans to move within the next 4-6 months. I initially told him that I would be okay with a small ceremony in our backyard and then taking our friends and family out for supper.
We have a very tight circle of friends and family and there would be under 20 people who we would want there. He said we could probably do the restaurant idea. I was disappointed, extremely even. It just showed me that he has put minimal thought into marrying me, not just because of the move but in general.
Our entire relationship we’ve done what he wanted to do. There was about 4 years, 2 of those being COVID, where we were making more money than we knew what to do with. We saved a lot and I was expecting some of it to go to a wedding. Instead he said he was tired of renting and we bought a house with the savings as a down payment.
He got a windfall from a legal settlement, it wasn’t life changing but it was enough to at least buy a ring without issue. He made improvements to the house, which I am grateful for, but it just felt like he didn’t even think about what I wanted. He paid off my debts so I wouldn’t have to pay as much a month on bills so I felt like I had no reason to complain I didn’t get a ring.
I feel I’ve been very clear to him that I want a wedding, I want to marry him, I want a ring. It doesn’t have to be fancy. And he just hasn’t done it. I’d be surprised if he has even considered it recently.
I was thinking about proposing to him but after our conversation the other night, I’m getting the feel that he just doesn’t want to get married. I think he thinks that since we’re legally bound to each other that there’s no point.
He says he wants to marry me, he says we’ll get married but now that I have set a relative timeline of a couple months, I just feel gross. It feels like he’s just agreeing because I won’t move unless I do, which is true but I never ever wanted it to come down to an ultimatum. Just kind of a rant, I just wanted to get it all out.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial update:
I feel like he is just a really pragmatic person -- paid off your loans instead of buying you a ring, buying a house instead of paying for a wedding.
This common law relationship wouldn’t be enough for everyone including me. Common law is such a passive way to say the state takes your relationship more seriously legally and sometimes that lowers the effort traditionally on the man’s part. I believe that he already sees you two as married.
I am assuming you are also from Canada. I totally get you in terms of marriage not being the same as common law. There is a huge body of research by Canadian and American sociologists showing that people who cohabited as a common-law before getting married or are in common law, are 20% more likely to break up than couples who are legally married.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
Me (29F) and him (31M) have been together for 8 years. Celebrate 9 years in October. The comments on my last post were saying a lot of the same things I feel, that he wants a future with me and has invested a lot of time and money into our relationship.
The comments were right, he isn’t very romantic and I am the one who does all of these gestures for him. It’s a way I show him I love him and I could get into the whole love language thing but it’s not really too relevant here.
We talked about it and he mentioned how we could likely get married next summer. We’re paying off some debts, instead of booking a vacation we’ve been dreaming about for years, in order to begin saving for the wedding. He was very mum on a date or any details on when exactly I can expect a proposal.
So I’m just going to do it myself. Next week I am going to present him with a plan. We are tentatively engaged after this conversation. On our 9th year anniversary in October, after we’ve had time to save for a ring and stuff, we announce to our families and friends that we are engaged. This is only if we are both ready to take that step and we are prepared to set the plan into motion.
The tentative wedding date will be our 10th year anniversary, a year from announcement. We begin booking a photographer, ask our wedding party, decide on a venue and start planning other things that we things that are necessities.
We keep the wedding extremely small (we were only going to invite maybe 10 people in total anyways) at a free venue like in our backyard, hire a caterer, make our own bouquets and keep the dress under $1k.
We spend less than $5k on the entire thing, something we can save up over the entire year. These are not things I necessarily envisioned but if he’s worried about the cost of the entire thing then we can just relax and have it small and simple.
If we end up moving re: last post, then we scrap it all and do it within weeks. I have this fancy red dress I’ve never worn but it’s tailored, we can get rings at another time and I have a good, affordable, place in mind for brunch/lunch/supper and drinks for our closest friends and family.
We pay for everyone’s meals, we hire the commissioner I have in mind (who is also a friend) and the whole thing will take a few hours. No aisle, no giving me away, a best person and person of honour beside us and in front of the ten people we love most in the world.
I’m excited to present this plan to him and to make things official I’m gifting him a pocket watch. I have so much I want to say to him about how the fancy stuff doesn’t matter, I just want to marry him and we don’t have to worry about it. I’m willing to hear what he wants and expects. I’m nervous but I know he’ll appreciate the effort. I’ll keep you all updated but let me know what you think! Good or bad!
Edit: I’m going to stop getting so irritated in the comments but given everything I’ve said… is it that clear he just doesn’t want to marry me?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
As an outsider, I’m going to be blunt. This is exhausting, this sounds exhausting. It’s been close to 10 years, and you’re literally making posts wanting advice almost hitting 9.
It is not that hard to ask someone you’ve bought a house with and share a dog with “will you marry me” these guys are making it way more complicated then it actually needs to be, he’s making it complicated, you both are.
If this is the sort of life you want, then go for it. But you deserve better then excuse after excuse, and having to set back on your dreams because “he doesn’t want too”.
Ok so I read your first post then this one. I am going to be blunt here and it may sound harsh but that isn’t my intention at all. You sound desperate. You have compromised again and again. I’m not sure if this man is not a passionate person in general, or he’s just not passionate with you.
What if he doesn’t agree to your plan at all, let alone be “tentatively engaged”? To answer your edit: yes, after all this time and the lengths you are willing to go, it does not sound like your boyfriend wants to marry you. Do what you have to do OP, but if things don’t go according to this plan and hard feelings pop up in the future if you continue to stick this out, you’ll know why.
A week later, the OP returned with another update.
We’re engaged! I was really nervous based on the comments I received about me sounding desperate and him not wanting to marry me. I was going to sit him down and have the timeline talk that I had stated in my last post before proposing.
I bought him a plant because he has a green thumb and a pot that has some succulents on it that say “Let’s grow together”. I felt rushed in giving him the gifts and suddenly without thinking I just gave him the pocket watch. I couldn’t turn back because I had so much I wanted to say but that all went out the window as soon as it was time to say what I needed to say.
I told him I loved him and I started crying and said I want to be with him forever and that I’m so thankful for how much he has fought for us. I asked if he wanted to get married and he said yes, after many hugs, tears and kisses we were engaged.
After we had calmed down I told him the date I wanted in October 2025, he said it was a great idea and that it’ll give us time to plan. I don’t remember if I updated you all but he applied for the job in the remote location but they extended the application date so it’s not as locked in as we initially thought.
Immediately, without me asking, he wrote down a budget and how much we would have to save each month to get a nice chunk of change for the rings, dress, wedding and honeymoon.
In October of this year, we’re buying rings and announcing it to our friends and family on our 9th year anniversary. We have the exact rings picked out and are putting aside money so it’s a goal to buy them before our anniversary. We’re going to start booking venues and other services in December/Jan so we’ll have enough for deposits.
I’ve floated the initial idea by him of doing a restaurant thing if we ended up moving and he was adamant that we would do what I originally wanted and have a really nice wedding within our means. If we move then we’ll come back for the wedding but make the wedding budget within our means even if we do move.
He was a very active participant in the budget planning (I’d say he was leading it) even taking into account emergencies that could happen. I’m happy with this plan, I’m excited that he took initiative with the budget as it showed me he is really dedicated to making this a reality.
So end update: We’re getting married on our 10th year anniversary, we have a solid plan set in place and we have even started looking at venues and photographers etc.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
Congrats! Brace yourself for the how did he propose questions! Come armed. And good luck planning.
This is amazing! I’ve never been one to agree with the whole “If he wanted to, he would” thing when it comes to something as big and complicated as engagement. It’s a ton of pressure and some guys just get so lost in the details and end up with decision paralysis, even though they do want to spend their life with their partner. He sounds absolutely thrilled. Congratulations to you both 💖
Congrats but yikes 😬 But at least he came through with the budgeting plan so that actually proved he was pretty serious. Possibly just nervous. Overall I’m happy that this worked out in your favor and I hope he continues to show up for you.
Ten months later, the OP returned with their third update.
We’ve been together for 9 years, common-law for 7 and after many highs and very many lows, I think I’m ready to move on. I (30F) have tried to leave him (32M) before (2-3 times) but we’ve always tried to work it out.
I’ve been in this position before and I just don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of him being mad at me, I’m tired of the resentment, the fears, the anxiety. In terms of legal separation, it is very much the same as a divorce where I live so getting all of that sorted is going to be a nightmare.
Im going to make a little den in the basement bedroom with my PC, an air mattress, many comfy blankets and all of my sentimental stuff. Im going to have the talk with him as soon as I feel ready to do so.
I love him and care about him but we clash on too many things. The biggest one, I like to tell myself, is his desire to drink. I’m a recovering alcoholic with deep rooted trauma around alcohol (some of which he’s contributed to) and he wants to start drinking again.
He stopped the last time I tried to leave as a promise to get me back. When he told me he wanted to drink again I just went numb and I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this negative mindset.
On his side of things, he constantly has to ask me to keep the space around us clean, I struggle with ADHD and depression and it’s not an excuse to live in filth. I just don’t care to do it, I don’t like it when he asks me and he doesn’t like that I just dont do it in my own.
I’ve tried but at the end of the day, maybe I just don’t care to put in the effort anymore. I’ve let myself go, I’ve gained about 20 lbs over the last year or so and I’m really out of shape. I stopped caring how I look. I don’t have hobbies, I don’t see my friends often. I’m just not a healthy individual.
He doesn’t like leaving the house unless it’s for work, we haven’t been at a sit down restaurant in over a year and a half. We don’t see our friends unless it’s on his terms. He has not seen my family at all in over a year, even with the holidays just passing.
He always has a reason to be mad at me, he stonewalls me. Today I asked if he was upset because he wasn’t talking to me and he said “I honestly don’t even know” and he wouldn’t talk to me when I asked him three times why he would be upset. I have theorized it’s because it’s NYE and he’s upset he can’t drink.
I could go on and on but I’m just looking for advice on how to navigate this. I spent about a third of my life with this person and I’ve known him for half my life. I’m scared of what a life without him looks like.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's third update:
Hi, sorry I also saw your post on waiting to wed but then saw this one as well and there’s different stuff brought up here. I want to really encourage you to look for professional help to assist you in this major life transition. I think this should really be step 1. If you use the filter on the psychology today website you can look for your city and your needs.
You’ll also want to consult a family lawyer. If you have shared finances open your own bank account now and do very your paycheque. I know it can be hard to action on some of these tasks when you’re struggling. If you wanted me to find you a few options feel free to send me a DM!
Unique_thatswhatuare (OP)
I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday. She’s a recovering alcoholic like myself. Im dedicated to making this next step in my life with no regrets. Finances are separate aside from some credit cards we signed together. Those can be cancelled as there’s nothing owning on them. Family lawyer is coming, it’s all going to take time.
My ex and I clashed pretty bad similar to your situation, except his thing was coke and alcohol and him relapsing really made me want to leave. 7 years together. I can say things were a little rough at first as we lived together, but the self growth and new me is a version I really have come to love. I also saw a therapist too. I have hobbies again, a social life. You can do it. I wish you the best.
Three day later, the OP returned with their final update.
You can go back in my post history but essentially, I had a hard time getting my partner of 8 years to propose to me and I just proposed to him myself. Our relationship is falling apart.
No one can convince me this man wants to marry me. He does not have a romantic bone in his body and keeps telling everyone that I was in a rush to get married. We got an engagement ring for me a month after our 9 year anniversary. (It’s an expensive ring and I’m embarrassing myself and haven’t told this to a single soul but I bought it, I spent $4,400 on a ring because he decided I needed an impressive one)
A RUSH. TO GET MARRIED? Bro. I’m so embarrassed. I’m filled with regret, I don’t even wear the ring because I don’t even feel engaged. Wedding planning is non existent, we’ve been fighting a lot more, he just won’t talk to me.
This year I’m dedicating time and effort into taking care of me, treating myself better, not depending on him for anything, putting myself first. Please be gentle, it took me months to come to terms to the mistake I made and I’m just really sad I had so much hope that this man actually wanted to commit to me.
Edit: I will NOT be marrying this man. Separating is a bit more complicated due to owning a house together and being common-law but the process will be happening.
Edit 2: I’ve decided on keeping the ring for now, I have finances in order for our legal separation. I love the idea of turning it into a necklace or having it as a “boss B” reminder.
People keep focusing on the house aspect of it and us buying it when we aren’t married. We are common law and in Canada we have all of the legal rights as married couples. It doesn’t matter because even if we didn’t buy it together, we’d still have to split it.
I think that’s a reason why he didn’t want to get married, because nothing would fundamentally change. Before anyone asks, legally, you have to claim common law if you have been living with your partner for more than 2 years, some places it’s 1.
Some people have also used this as a chance to tell me I need therapy and a mental health diagnosis. This post isn’t about that but thanks for your concerns! I have a strong support systems and multiple doctors lol. Thanks for all of your messages and well wishes! Love to each of you!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
This can be over in 24 hours. Sell ring. Walk out the door.
I think you need to just move on. Your other posts talk about your health issues and that you have lupus. I have a niece (24) who has lupus. She has good days and bad days. But the main thing is that she takes care of herself and her husband helps her.
Your bf has issues with drinking, you had issues with drinking. I wonder if the last 8 years if this relationship haven’t made both of your guys problems worse. Sell the house or have him move out. Focus on your health.
Why would you be planning a wedding when you know he doesn't want to marry you?
Unique_thatswhatuare (OP)
I’m not. I’ve dropped it completely and won’t be going forward, even if he had a come to Jesus moment as I’m leaving that he can give me everything I wanted, I will never marry this man.
Sell the ring; use it to put a deposit on your own place. The ticket to freedom and a new life is in your jewelry box.