'AITA for refusing to help my husband until he gets treatment for his ADHD?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for refusing to help my ADHD husband until he gets treatment?"

My (27F) husband (35M) have been married for 2 years. Until the last year, I would have said that things were great. My husband has had an ADHD diagnosis since he was a child and has always done well with medication. He took meds through school and has managed to hold down a good job with only some mild symptoms.

About 6 months after we got married, I noticed that he started to change. He was a lot more forgetful, irritable, and he started doing a lot of impulsive spending. I’m a medical resident and knowing he had ADHD, I asked if his meds were giving him trouble.

He said that he had stopped taking them. I tried to reason with him, but he had been reading some blogs and become convinced he didn’t needs meds. He said that ADHD was his “superpower” and that I should love him the way he is or not at all.

Things have gotten worse quickly over the last year. He used to help out with chores and now can’t even load the dishwasher without losing focus and wandering off. We keep our money separate and even with a good amount of expendable income, he’s gone through a lot of his savings and has trouble paying his section of the bills.

He explodes verbally sometimes and has alienated one of his best college friends over a silly argument in a way that’s not likely to be forgiven. He won’t acknowledge any of this is happening and gets angry when I point out that I’ve been covering the lion’s share of the expenses for the last four months and trying to take care of the entire house while also doing my residency.

I reached the end of my tether when he asked me for money to cover his car payment for the third time. I told him that I would keep the utilities on, but his car, insurance, and other expenses were on him and there would be no more handouts. I also told him that I couldn’t keep burning the candle at both ends, so his laundry and meals were now on him to prepare.

This lasted for less than a week before he started asking for help with his car again. I told him the only condition on which I would help would be if he started back on some treatment for his ADHD. Not necessarily the same meds if he didn’t like them, but something, because this was unbearable.

We had a fight about it and he told me that I should help him because he has ADHD so he can’t help it and needs support. I told him that he had spent the last year telling me that ADHD is his superpower, so he can superpower his way into regular car payments and laundry then without my help or get treatment and receive help. He called me an ableist b!tch and stomped off.

I talked to a psych friend who says that the quip might have been a little unkind but the boundaries are reasonable. My SIL is angry and says I shouldn’t force him to take meds if he doesn’t want them. All I know is that it’s exhausting and as much as it hurts the next step is leaving him.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Exciting-Doughnut307 said:

Your husband can eff all the way off. I have horrible ADHD as well. I have thought about getting off my meds as well since it isn't good for you to be on a stimulant your whole life. However, the thing is working with your doctor to build habits so you can actually function without your medicine. Unmedicated ADHD does not mean unmanaged ADHD.

I haven't been able to manage unmedicated without really falling off (spending money without thinking it through, not managing my time well, not staying focused to get through chores, all the greatest hits). That isn't a superpower, it is allowing yourself to become a burden. Your husband just sucks, and has the gall to call you ableist when he's doing this to himself.

Honestly, what benefit is he citing for going off med? It didn't even seem like a health concern, just "I saw a video on YouTube that said unmanaged ADHD is empowering!" Oo, this got me irritated. Maybe walking out would jolt him back to reality.

Limskaya said:

NTA, coming from an ADHD'er. These are perfectly reasonable boundaries you are setting. And ADHD gives us an explanation to why some things are harder, but never an excuse for shitty behaviour. If I acted like this and stopped my treatment, my partner would have every right to be angry at me.

Have there been other major changes in his life, apart from going off his medications? And would he be open to working with a therapist (or even a coach) specialized in ADHD?

GrayHerman said:

So, you know he's having issues and you sought advice from the psych friend, who pretty much said the same. Why on earth does the SIL have anything to say or do with this? He is your husband. You are NTA here, but, have some common sense. Everything and professional advice has told you he has some issues that could be helped with the meds.

He is refusing the meds, at this point. If you can not talk him into started up his meds again, I would leave. A forced separation might be the knee jerk he needs, you can hope. Maybe your psych friend can recommend a good marriage counsel??

And Different-Version-58 said:

NTA, but another way of approaching this conversation is exploring the option of therapy. Even if he is against meds, he should at least consider building behavioral management skills in therapy.

She later shared this update:

I messaged him this morning and asked if we could talk about the state of things this evening over dinner since I’m off call and he said not until I apologize and accept that my attitude is the problem not him. So, I’ve made arrangements to stay in an AirBnB to clear my head for the next few days so I can at least relax properly between call shifts, and I’ll reevaluate when I’m not feeling so worked up.

This is impacting my work and health too much and reading these replies I’m starting to realize that. I hope he comes around, but I’ve worked too hard to go down with him.

Update #2:

We’re separating, I don’t think this is a salvageable situation anymore. I dropped by the house while I knew he was gone to grab something and it looks like a war zone. There’s a hole in the drywall that looks like he punched the wall. I took pictures and I’m meeting with a lawyer today. I have housing already lined up. It’s going to be a fun Christmas this year.