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'AITA for helping my ex-BIL get full custody of my nieces?' UPDATED

'AITA for helping my ex-BIL get full custody of my nieces?' UPDATED

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"AITA for basically helping my ex-BIL get full custody?"

Background: Sister and BIL were married 10 years, together 14. They have 2 girls 7 and 5. Everything seemed good till one night she came home threw him out and divorced him. I let him stay with me till he got his own house again (2 months). Finally she told us why: She had been cheating for years and didn't want to be tied down anymore.

She tried to deny paternity, he proved paternity thus court refused her alimony as her trying to deny was proof of infidelity. They got 50/50 so no child support but he offered to keep paying for daycare so she could still work, he is WFH. I was temporarily laid off work recently and she didn't want to use the daycare so I watched them. I reminded her of when I was returning to work constantly.

Sure enough first day back, I get an angry call at 8am cause I'm not home to watch the girls. In my job I work 8-4. There is a 10 minute grace period then a sub takes your place and you lose the shift. She works 9-5 2 blocks away from the daycare that opens at 8. I work 30ish minutes away. I always get up between 0630 and 0645.

Next day I wake up and the girls are in my living room. Sister wouldn't answer phone. I had to miss the shift. She promises it won't happen again. Happens the next day. Another promise. Next 2 weeks BIL has them so no issue. I figured shed pull some sh!t so I got up at 0615. I hear a knock at the door.. Its the girls. My sister dropped them off and told them not to knock till she drove away.

I miss my shift for the 3rd time next time I get a write up. Next day I'm up at 6. I see the girls get out of the car, and she drives away while I'm heading outside. So I called exBIL and he comes to watch them. This went on for 2 weeks at the end of which he asks me to initial a log.

Now I figured he was trying to get more custody but I mean.. Hes basically watching them every day anyways. 3 days later I am summoned to court. Judge asks me about the situation, I tell the truth (I AM NOT about to lie to a judge).

2 days later I'm at my parents and sister comes in screaming. exBIL actually went for full custody and won! Shes been deemed a negligent parent whos actions pose a threat to her childrens safety. Leaving them with a sleeping adult who doesn't know theyre there or on a doorstep was unacceptable. She now has to pay him child support and is currently only allowed supervised visitation.

She blames me cause I signed the log and without that BIL would have had no proof. I told her the judge wasn't wrong. What if I had went to work early anything could have happened to those girls.

Several family members have weighed in saying I shouldn't have agreed to sign the log and there was other ways he could have done it but I didn't have to give him a helping hand and now shes lost her kids and it's my fault for siding with him instead of my own sister. I'm starting to feel guilty as this is coming from people I love whos opinions I value.

This is a heavy one. What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

you’re right. SHE lost her kids. it was her shitty parenting and irresponsibility that took her kids from her, not any action of yours. between the two of them, I would definitely say your BIL is the more deserving parent; they’ll have a stabler home with him. NTA-you’re a better uncle than she is a mother.

OP responded:

He was more then happy to watch them. He started just getting up early incase I called. I asked if he could just take them to the daycare for me and he said no, he'd rather spend the day with them if he had the chance. Honestly he's such a good dad. Even now he's allowing supervised visits every weekend. Courts have to change it to unsupervised because of the courts finding. He doesn't get a say in that.

said:

NTA. "I told you for [weeks, months, however long it was] that I'm going back to work after a certain date and you not only neglected your children but you endangered my employment. If you bring this up one more time I will take you to small claims for the money I've lost."

If I were in your shoes, I'd be doing that or (because they likely have better resources) rat her out to my agency (I provide interim and supply work, and have been off only out of term time for the last 16 months).

I would also ask anyone who takes your sister's side if they'd like to back pay you for lost wages and the cost of you babysitting your nieces. They'll likely shut up if it is coming out of their pocket. Also, I would consider asking her ex if he'll provide a copy of the evidence for your job to try and get that write up rescinded if you haven't already.

OP responded:

I never thought of asking for proof. I didn't end up getting a write up but it is noted in my file that I was absent. If his lawyer will write something to the effect of having to stay home to prevent children being endangered They may discount those absences. Thank you for the suggestion!

said:

Well, you're more of a parent than your sister is. I can guarantee that you would feel 100x worse than what you're feeling now had something happened to those girls. What if you DID leave for work early one day and something unfortunate happened to those girls?

Your sister would be blaming you for it. So let her blame you for the best possible outcome those kids could ask for. You did the right thing, NTA, not in the slightest bit!

And said:

NTA. These decisions seem to show you are looking out for what is best for your nieces, not just backing ex-BIL. And good news-- now your selfish sister is not "tied down" to her own kids, either! I almost hope this isn't real because these girls have a hard road of neglect from mom in their future. Give them extra love if you can.

UPDATE:

To address a few questions. The girls are in daycare cause schools are operating at 50% capacity in our area with priority placement going to low income parents, single parents or essential workers.

While my sister is an essential worker my BIL can work from home, even separately they both have good incomes and the daycare was being directly paid for by BIL and as long as your paying (it's pricey) they hold your spot. So they were not priority. The log was not a legal document but did allow for the lawyer to call an emergency meeting and get emergency orders.

The whole thing still would have happened it just would have taken a few weeks. No, I did not tell her BIL was watching them, But while I didn't volunteer that information, She also never asked. Not directly. Shed smugly ask how it went, Id say I didn't hear any complaints or the girls said they had fun ect.. Which they did.

The 5yr old would talk about how she spent time with Daddy but sister assumed she was talking about things they did on their time. The 7yr old never mentioned it. We NEVER told them they couldn't. They were free to do so and I wouldn't have lied. I will accept being the AH for not volunteering the information.

Family update: My Grandmother who is 76 and takes no shit called me after hearing about everything to ask my side and ask some questions. My sister told everyone I agreed to watch the kids, I explained yes this was true but ONLY till I went back to work, a date she was aware of.

She said I made a statement and gave it to the lawyers, which was true but at the order of the judge and I gave it to the lawyer for court filing as directed by the judge. My grandma asked why I didn't just get him to take them to daycare, I told her he was deemed a fit parent in getting 50/50 and if he wants to spend time with his children I wasn't going to say no.

He watched them at my house, He didn't take them anywhere past the park. She said my sister always knew I was home cause my lights were on even when she left them outside.. I asked gma how often she forgets to turn off a light.. She just said fair point. I explained she knew I was going back to work and almost got me in trouble at work but my sister said I had changed my schedule.

Ive had the same schedule for 4 years. It doesn't change. Those are the company hours. So even if she didn't know this, she was lying. We talked a great deal more and in the end Gma set it straight with the family cause I just didn't have the energy. She said if any of her children had left her grandbabies outside someones door she too would have those kids removed and disown them..

After kicking their asses to kingdom come. She told them my sister lied about most of what she said, twisting the truth and if they had had half a brain they would have known that, and that I did what I needed to to keep my job and protect the girls and they were lucky to atleast have an uncle to care about their safety and wellbeing.

That she was a selfish little gripe who should be thankful she didn't have her parental rights terminated. I have since received apologies from almost everyone. I asked how tf they could see what I did as wrong and they admitted that they were afraid they would be kept from the girls cause my sister doesn't have them.

I said that they'll have to take up with BIL (who has said they are fabulous grandparents ect.. and he has no intention of cutting them off from the girls but there will be some rules (sister can't be around) cause then the courts may tell him he cant send them anymore. They're welcome at all birthdays and holidays, and they will absolutely be allowed contact with the girls).

He said he knows how much it hurts being kept from them and he wasn't going to punish everyone else for my sister actions. All in all.. Not a bad end to it all. No one is speaking to my sister, Auntie, who was the most vocal against me came to my home to apologize to my face.

I understand their fears but told them I'm still pretty bitter but given time I think I can get over it cause they're actions were based off a twisted story and fear of losing the girls.

Also.. Thanks to the poster who recommended the letter from the lawyer. The absences have to stay as I did miss the shifts but they have been marked excused absence and signed by a higher up :)

Sources: Reddit
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