'Just found out he's living an entirely separate life WITH A FIANCÉE.' AITA? + 2 YEAR UPDATE
"Me [27F] in a relationship with [36M] for 8 YEARS. just found out he's living an entirely separate life WITH A FIANCÉE."
Going to start this out now with the preamble that i'm feeling like an absolute piece of trash right now, completely used, raw, and absolutely shellshocked. using all fake names, obviously. i've never posted here so i don't know if that's implied.
I met Ray back when I was 18 years old. He was in a band that I absolutely loved, grew up with. I had even had a crush on him for soo long before we met. You can imagine how excited I was to be able to work with him.
I had a small part in working on one of his music videos way back when (interning at the production firm that he had hired with his band.) We soon started dating after that, pretty inseparable.
I would always hang out with them at the studio and spend time with Ray in his place or mine just walking around stoned, happy, and in love. He basically coached me through both my undergraduate and MFA.
Three years ago, I moved in with Ray, and that has been the same situation since. I have recently been freelance writing for a couple news publications oversees/working on selling some screenplays to some studios, and it has been such a strain on me lately, but Ray had been being so good to me lately, a total sweetheart.
Ray is constantly on tour/working with friends/partners in California (we live in the northeast). I'm used to him not being home or not having a necessarily consistent schedule. I don't really either (I'm sometimes in California myself with some production work I do with my old cinematographer partner.)
The arrangement was always nice, and it felt really good to be with someone who understood how hard it is to manage a life on a creative schedule. Honestly, I figured once Ray got back from his business trip, he was going to propose to me.
I know that's stupid to just assume that, but after how well things had been going with us, I was really just getting this overwhelming feeling of love and hope that I was just so excited about.
HOWEVER.
The other day (week ago at this point), I was browsing Ray's instagram looking for a specific picture, and I noticed the "tagged pictures" tab on the top of the page. I'm kind of illiterate at social media stuff.
At this point, Ray was in California overseeing some stuff with his new merch or whatever. I felt myself missing him a lot, so I thought seeing some funny, candid pictures of him would cheer me up/remind me of how cute he is.
So, I click on the tab and scroll down a little bit. I see a picture of this cute blonde woman, Catie kissing his cheek. I didn't think anything of it at first. He's a relatively popular musician, not like getting on any charts anywhere, but a lot of people in a specific scene at least know "of" him.
So, thought it was just another fan. But, when I scroll down more...I see more and more pictures of this woman and him. I click on the picture for who she's tagged as, I click her profile...I'm blocked?
Immediately, I got a bad gut feeling. I ended up logging out of my account and into my company's (I know, scummy but now it seems worth it). I click on her profile, and I almost throw up.
Basically besides a couple pictures of food, scenery, or shopping haul shots, it's just all pics of either her and Ray or just Ray. I do some more digging and I see that HER AND RAY ARE FREAKING ENGAGED. People are congratulating them! There's a pic of her holding up a hand with a ring up and you can see Ray in the background smiling. I want to seriously die right now.
It's been 3 days since Ray has gotten back from the trip, and I don't even know what to say. He knows that I'm upset about something, I think. He wanted to have sex when he finally got home (we always have a really fun romp once he comes back) but the thought of it made me effing sick.
I don't know how to talk to him about this. I know I'm just postponing something by doing this, but I honestly have no clue how to approach my future. I honestly still love him so much and the thought of being without him right now makes my head want to explode.
I don't even care that he was with someone else if he would just stop doing it and apologize. I understand that humans are not inherently monogamous, and hell, I've thought about other people and even kissed someone one time during a LSD trip a couple years ago.
I never told him about that either. But this seems really unacceptable and I feel really disrespected. HOw could he just have this entire secret life and just like hide it...for so many years. As far back in her timeline I scrolled (5 years), they had clearly been dating. I wonder if they've been together the entire time me and Ray were together.
I know this is so long and rambly but I just need help deciding where I go from here. We live together, and I don't really have housing in the area right now that would be easy for me to just go, you know? Should I just pretend I don't know anything until I can find another place and then just unload then? Should I try to talk to him now and see what's going on?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He didn't just cheat on you with some random chick. He met someone started a relationship with them, for YEARS! And got engaged. You're the side chick. He isn't the love of your life. He's an AH. Have some self respect and get effing angry!
He lied to you everyday for years. Over and over and over again. He's all you've ever known, so I know it's scary. But you deserve so much better! You're young and can get over all of this. Leave him.
She's the one he proposed to, not you. Let that sink in. I would suggest going away for a few days, maybe going to visit family this weekend to adjust to your new reality, then confront him and ultimately leave him.
Also, in cases like these you'll probably be described as a close friend who's obsessed with him but he now realizes he needs to cut contact with, or the tried and true excuse of the crazy ex who makes up lies, assuming his fiancee doesn't already know about you.
he is leading a secret life with a woman he's planning on marrying. he didn't kiss someone on the cheek. you do not know this man at all. your entire relationship is a lie. he has no respect for you or your relationship. why in the EFF would you do ANYTHING other than kick his lying cheating ass out? you should pack up his stuff and leave it outside the door and change the locks.
Two years later, the OP returned with an update.
Clearly, it's been a wild time since this post for me. I just want to thank everyone for reaching out to me in comments, messages, and even some off-reddit contact I still have with some users!
You all are gems and offered me tough advice in a time where I never thought I'd listen. I realize now I was completely manipulated by Ray for many years. I thought our relationship was common for two creative professionals. It WASN'T.
After I made that post, Ray was "needed" out in California again. It was the perfect opportunity for me to pack up all my stuff and leave. Once I collected my thoughts, I reached out to my long-time friend John (actually my age, now 30, who lived in Portland at the time.) He flew out to the east coast city I used to live in with fancy maple syrup, whisky, and my favorite coffee.
I'll always remember this little detail. John helped me pack up everything, arranged transportation for me to fly back with him (and my cat) to live in Oregon with him, and brought me to the coast to bury a bunch of memories (photos, film reels, memory cards, etc). It was extremely cathartic. I was sober, feeling every bit of pain in that moment, but realizing it needed to happen.
Once in Portland, Ray obviously came back to our former apartment and realized I was gone. Per John's idea, the only thing I left on the kitchen counter was my set of keys and a printed out picture of Cat with the engagement ring.
I had blocked his number, but Ray continuously tried to contact me, first in fake consideration for my safety, then getting progressively angrier with me. He did not apologize a single time. He just got more threatening and said he was going to hire a private investigator to find me.
John ended up hiring a lawyer for me to walk me through my legal options and spoke to the police about a restraining order, which we did file. It appears the order worked, considering Ray has not reached out to me since he was notified.
I know some of you probably wanted me to tell Cat. I'll be honest, I never did. I'm sure she eventually found out, or maybe she didn't. I have no idea what happened with them, and I have no urge to.
You were all correct; I had known some of his friends, but only professionally from working with them. He rarely took me out to social events. I did know his family, though. They were always pleasantly nice to me, but they lived so far away geographically that I only saw them for very special occasions.
I don't know if they knew, but I don't want to hurt myself thinking about the disrespect and secrecy of everyone. I was lied to not only by Ray, but by a group of people who I thought respected me.
I found a therapist who helped me process a great deal of these emotions, but I am certainly not completely healed. I finally feel able to talk about this with you all 1.5 years later. It simultaneously feels like it happened just yesterday and a million years ago. Some of it feels like an extended nightmare. All I know is that I'm awake now.
Unfortunately, I did end up getting tested and diagnosed with HPV, which has since been treated, but I definitely got it from Ray. I was arrested that night for disorderly conduct as well because I got belligerently drunk in anger. I was sentenced to anger management classes and AA meetings.
I was certainly not an full-blown alcoholic, but I realized I was numbing my pain with what I thought was recreational drinking. I have been sober for a year now, just got my year chip last week!!!
Overall, this is a happy ending for me, I promise.
I started dating John at the beginning of this year. I now understand what being in an actual loving relationship feels like. John is completely honest with me about everything, even the smallest things.
He respects me and understands my past. I can't begin to verbalize how thankful I am for him and how much I appreciate him being in my life. He is my rock and was there for me since my healing process began.
For the record, I'm the one who initiated the romantic contact. We slept in separate rooms, had sex with other people, gave each other romantic advice. But at the beginning of the year, we were both single at the same time.
He was making breakfast in the kitchen before he went off to teach. In that moment, I just realized he was always my "what-if" guy, since knowing him in college. I wanted him, and I truly loved him. I asked him if I could kiss him, just overcome with emotion and a lost filter.
He thought I was joking at first and barely looked away from his eggs. But then he was like, "Wait, really?" I said yes and gave him a huge hug, then he kissed me. I felt this warmth I never experienced with Ray, even at our best. It felt like something finally clicked.
Since then, John and I have been so happy, and now I know what it's like to be with your best friend, especially someone who knows you as well as he knows me. I couldn't be happier, and for the first time, I feel valuable.
I went back to school part-time to learn some coding and stuck with it. Now, my current job is paying for me to continue my schooling, and I've been doing some web design work for them as well. My boss is the most amazing woman I've ever met and totally supportive.
Guys, I feel whole. I really do. But even more importantly, I feel ready to deal with anything in my future, good or bad. I've grown up in a big way, and I feel like I'm not afraid of entering my 30's.
I still have a way to go dealing with an eating disorder, but I've even gained some weight! I'm proud of myself, and I'm so thankful to everyone who has helped me at all. I'm not alone anymore. Thank you for reading.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Wow, I totally remember your post from last year after reading this. I am so glad you're in a better place. Keep on keeping on. I wish you all the best!
I have so many questions! What happened with the eggs John was cooking during their first kiss? Did he stop mid-passionate kiss to turn them off? Were they fried, scrambled, boiled...? Did they get burnt? I feel like Op has left out some important details.
How does a somewhat notable musician go about 9 years without having his affair realize that she is another woman?
Young, naive, isolated with lots of mental health issues.
You should be so very proud of yourself for so many different reasons 😊