'AITA for hesitating to pay for my wife's $8,000 cosmetic surgery?' 'I think it's healthier to get therapy.'

"AITA for hesitating to pay for my wife's $8,000 cosmetic surgery for her birthday?"

Today my wife asked if she could get cosmetic surgery to alleviate scarring on both her cheeks as a birthday gift. She told me it would cost about $8k out of pocket. About 10 years ago, my wife's mother took her to a "skincare expert" who they later found out wasn't even licensed.

As a result of a botched procedure, my wife now has significant scarring on both of her cheeks similar to very deep/severe acne scars. IMO this scarring isn't something someone will cause someone to their head on the street, but if you look for a moment you definitely notice it.

More importantly, this scarring has left my wife with trauma and she's gotten mean comments in the past over it. It has definitely caused her to feel a deep insecurity over how she looks.

With something deep rooted like this, I told my wife I think it's healthier to get therapy and I love the way she looks now. I don't even notice it TBH. In that vein, I am not sure if getting an expensive procedure that is not guaranteed to make her look better for $8k is the panacea she's hoping it will be...

...versus investing in her emotional health by talking about the trauma she's experienced and working through her insecurities. I say this because I think my wife is beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing about her, but that doesn't seem to help.

I've asked her point blank that if her mom was the one who took her to the original "skincare expert" over 10 years ago and her mom has indicated she'll do what it takes to make it right, why am I the one who is now being asked to pay for cosmetic surgery after all this time? When I asked her this, she simply got upset with me and said "fine! You don't have to pay for it!" But that doesn't answer the question!

Here's more context for those that think I'm being a cheap over $8k: I have gotten my wife LASIK, advanced hearing aids (she has never needed hearing aids in her life but wanted even sharper hearing at certain pitches, so this was an UPGRADE that wasn't a medical necessity.)

Here's what people have to say about this one:

Yellobrix said:

$8K seems suspiciously excessive. That's a pretty high price for scar revision. $2K to $4K should be sufficient, and not unreasonable considering the other treatments she's had. NTA because something's off here.

WittyRhubarbMan said:

The issue with your post is that you are making two arguments rolling into one. Argument 1: I don't want my wife to get surgery because it could make her worse and I think she should focus on acceptance instead. NTA. Argument 2: My mother-in-law took my wide to the skincare expert so she should be the one paying for the surgery. YTA.

And there's bonus question 3, which is "I don't want to pay for the cosmetic surgery because we can't afford it right now" in which case NTA. I would also need you to clarify how you handle finances. Do you keep your money separate? Do you pool it and consider it all "our money?" Do you have yours, mine, ours?

Important_Camera9345 said:

NTA. My biggest concern is the legitimacy of the treatment she is looking into. Where did she hear about it? Is she going to a licensed esthetician? Also, why is she not suing the fake doctor who gave her the scars to pay for the treatment? There is no statute of limitations on a lawsuit. It seems suspicious to me.

SalaudChaud said:

Your wife must feel awful. You sound concerned both for her as well as concerned about your family's expenses. I don't think spending more money on procedures will fix the underlying issues.

From the little you have described of your discussions with your wife on the topic I would agree that therapy should precede further (and potentially unhelpful) cosmetic procedures. Given it's been...10 years (what the?)...

I guess I would hope a counselor was already involved. Or the (Maybe) corrective surgery. This sucks. NAH. I don't know why nobody sued the hack. Maybe you did but collection was an issue? Anyway, I think that her mom should foot the bill.

Tortietude0 said:

NTA. Single income and 2 kids. $8K is way too much to be dropping on this kind of thing.

porterramses said:

Compromise is in order, have her Mom pony up some cash. Also, hearing aids don’t count as cosmetic. Necessity. NTA.

noveltea120 said:

Yta. Being the breadwinner and her being a SAHM which you conveniently left out, means you're in control of finances but they should be BOTH of your money, not just yours. Your post has a lot of "I" in it. She's endured this for 10 YEARS. This isn't just a quick decision she made overnight. It's her face and she's the one who has to deal with the trauma, not you.

Later, OP edited the post to include more information:

Adding this edit here because the number of comments on this. Laser skin treatment ($2k), etc. I am willing to spend to take care of her, but within reason and when it has a demonstrated benefit. This amount for cosmetic surgery doesn't sit well with me for reasons I shared above.

We also have a mortgage, monthly expenses like everyone else, two young children, and I am the sole breadwinner. There is that important bit of context too. I've thought of a few options. Her mother can cover half or a majority, and I can cover the remainder. I can cover half or majority, and her mom can cover the remainder. I pay for the procedure in full.

I don't pay for it and advise her to seek therapy and, if she insists on getting the procedure, that her mother should cover the cost because she's the one who took her to the fake doctor in the first place AND has stated she'll do what it takes to make it right.

So AITA for giving pause? If so, which option above would make me NTA? Is there an option I'm not considering?