'AITA for holding a funeral for my father against my mother's wishes?' MINI UPDATE

"WIBTA for holding a funeral for my father against my mother's wishes?"

I’m 21. My parents had me at 15, split when I was 3. I haven’t seen my father since then. He went on to have 8 more kids; three were in his custody (12F, 10M, 8M). I’m my mom’s only child.

When I was 16, he reached out, saying he was getting clean for his kids. He apologized to me and my mom (she never got the message). He knew sorry wouldn’t fix things but wanted to do better for his children. He offered to let me meet my siblings and said if I didn’t want to see him, he’d arrange it through our grandmother.

I declined, asking for photos/videos only. I didn’t want them to know I existed. He respected that. I obsessed over every picture, noticing every bruise and bandaid. Eventually, I went to therapy and accepted he was a better dad to them than he ever was to me. I came to see him as someone different from the man who raised me, he was no longer my dad, but he was theirs.

I never told my mom I was in contact with his side of the family. He died this year in a car crash. The kids are going to my paternal aunt. Since I’m his oldest child, I was legally next of kin and claimed the body at my grandmother’s request. My mom found out and was thrilled, she wanted to cremate him and flush the ashes or throw them out.

I ignored her and met his 12 yr daughter. She didn’t want to cry in front of me because she knew he hadn’t been a good dad to me. She had seen my Facebook bookmarked on his computer and asked him about it. He told her he had hurt me, that a bandaid wasn’t enough to fix it, that bandaids fixed small cuts and he had smashed a vase. She didn’t fully understand but tried to respect my feelings.

I told her this wasn’t about mourning my father, I’d already done that. This was about her dad. She cried, I comforted her, and decided then that this funeral would be for them. Trashing his ashes wouldn’t hurt him, only them.

With help from my grandmother and some of his friends, we’re planning a funeral in his town. I won’t mention myself or his other children. I’ll write that he struggled with addiction, hurt people, and couldn’t undo it, but got clean, and did his best for the three kids who had no one else.

My mom is furious. She says I shouldn’t honor him after what he did. She’s stopped speaking to me and threatened to cut me off if I go through with it. Others in town are starting to treat me differently too.

But I stand by this: the kids deserve a chance to say goodbye to their dad. They’re innocent. This funeral isn’t for him, it’s for them. I had to shorten it due to character limit so some details got cut out. So, WIBTA for holding a funeral for my “father” despite my mother’s wishes?

EDIT:

The only members of my dad's biological family who I would let handle the funeral are my grandmother and aunt, who are helping but are both incapable of handling the full weight alone, they ARE grieving him and thats hard, I'm not, I feel nothing, it's another day to me.

His father, brother, grandfather etc, I would DIE before i let those men be in the same town as these three little kids and those men know it, id be surprised if they dared show up to the funeral. But his friends are helping as well, but again, they are grieving I'm not.

I'm also not going into debt, he left savings, my grandmother is helping, the church is also willing to help as they understand the situation including the pastor who knows everything.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

FabulousTrick8859 said:

NTA. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful, caring and mature person. Well done you on proceeding how you are. It's nothing at all to do with your mum, although it's clear he really hurt her.

You'd be an AH to his little children if you did what your mother wanted. She is behaving like a child with her horrible ultimatum but you should be really proud of yourself for your moral standards.

Might be worth mentioning your plans, your reasons and your mother's unreasonable behavior to you to friends so that it circulates and cuts through her twisting the narrative. Again, well done on being a very decent human being.

sonjelly said:

Definitely NTA, as you said this funeral isn’t for him it’s for his kids, funerals aren’t for the dead they’re for the living. His kids are fairly young and losing a parent is incredibly traumatic, the least they deserve is a place to mourn him and say goodbye.

It’s frustrating of course, that he wasn’t great to your mom it seems or hurt people in his life, but as you said it won’t hurt him to disrespect his body now. That being said, are you in a position where you can live a good life if your mom cuts you off?

The only reason I would say don’t go through with it is if it would put you in a harmful situation. Is there maybe another family member who could reason with her about it?

Or a family friend? If you would be unsafe conducting the funeral, is there a way you could have someone else head organizing it and just help out maybe? Regardless, your mom shouldn’t be putting you in this situation, wishing you the best OP.

houseonpost said:

NTA: Don't keep your mom informed any more. You might want to revisit your counsellor. Your mom can decide not to attend but she can't dictate to you what you do in this regard. Sorry you are going through this.

goldenrodvulture said:

NTA. You are doing the right thing and looking out for those kids, even to your own detriment. I hope that your mother will come around and understand some day.

wesmorgan1 said:

Despite the history, you're doing a good thing for some kids who need it. Well done, and good luck. YWNBTA.

Specialist-Owl2660 said:

Wow, NTA. NTA like 1000% your empathy for those children is extraordinary. Thank you, for being a good person and choosing kindness in this world.

Responsible_Ferret61 said:

NTA you are showing everyone around you how to act with grace and emotional intelligence. You are a good person and I wish you all the best.

MINI UPDATE:

I've decided I'm going forward with the funeral and may cut my mom off. I have done so much to prevent her ever hearing his name through out my life to the point of lying about childhood friends names.

The funeral is 3 hours away with no traffic, she cant stumble upon us, she cant accidentally hear about it, I've shared nothing. My mother needs therapy, she's stewing over an event that she wouldn't have known about had gossips not let it slip I claimed the body.

I will also not be forcing the kids to have a burial, no funeral, just family. Because the eldest wanted a funeral, so she can mourn with friends, family, and their church. It would be cruel of me to take that away from her when my mother spent maximum six years with this man to that little girls 12. Yes he hurt my mother, but it was years ago, and this little girl wasn't a thought process at that point.

My mother has every right to be upset I'm involved, but she has no right to demand these kids get their lives destroyed more then they already have been. Thank you for helping me see that, because I hadn't realized how wild my mothers demands were until this post. She basically wanted me to steal a body and destroy the evidence in my mind.

If the eldest was 18 id have turned everything over to her and walked away, but she's not, she's 12, she's a baby who needs someone to shoulder the burden, someone to get in the way of the falling rocks.

Honestly, after this, I feel it doesn't matter who holds the funeral my mother will be angry, she sent my grandmother a message and called her many unkind things for "celebrating" him. And so, even if this girl was 18, she'd probably have gotten harassed by my mother, just like i am, my mother turned my home town against me, many there hated him to...

I doubt anything i say to them will change their feelings, but I'm going to keep pushing through the snow storm before me because I'm an older sibling now, and its my job to protect them from the raging storm of insanity that may come with this funeral.

I might update if anything else happens, but for now, thank you for helping me make up my mind, even if the decision results in both my parents being dead to my heart...

I have three little lights to carry forward, and leave the smoking ashes of who i once was behind, that family, the one i was born into, is long gone, i tried to hold up pieces to keep my sham life how i thought it was, but it was always going to finish crumbling one day. All i can do now, is move forward.