'AITA for still refusing to forgive my ex-BFF who had an emotional affair with my late husband?'

"AITA for still holding a grudge against a former best friend who had an emotional affair with my now deceased husband and my now husband is on her side…maybe?"

I had this same friend since kindergarten and we became super close in high school. When we graduated she began dating another friend of ours and they had two children together. We moved through life alongside each other through marriage and her babies. Later I met and married my husband and we got pregnant with our son. My husband and her were friendly but never really around each other to actually be friends or anything.

When I had my son, I had a traumatic birth and c-section, and post-partum hit me HARD! I withdrew and admittedly closed myself off to anyone but my sister in law and my mother. My sister in law was staying with us because of the trauma I experienced and was unable to care for my son alone for a bit and my mother took over night care.

My friend would call me and I wouldn’t answer, she tried to come over once and I asked my SIL to tell her I was sleeping. I just didn’t want to see anyone. She began calling my husband to see why I was ignoring her. Later I learned they continued phone calls after I was suspicious when he would go to the bathroom after his phone would ring only once. Or when I could feel the bed vibrate early in the morning.

And of course he would never leave his phone around. I finally was able to do what I always said I wouldn’t and I looked at his messages and found their relationship had turned into them telling each other they loved each other and wanted to leave myself and her husband. I called her husband and explained what I found. I don’t know how that went down but they are still together.

I left my husband but my pride and having people “know” took me back home and eventually she came to my home and apologized and said they never were physical in any way and asked if we could be friends again. Fool me once, right?! This took place over about 6mo. A few months later i started seeing the pattern again and I learned that it had started up again except this time my husband was not reciprocating.

This led her to begin following us. She keyed my car, followed us, and got into our gated community. She even went as far to tell me she and my husband slept together on my bed. However, she gave me a specific date and time and I was actually in my bed then. Finally it was all over. My husband and I went to counseling and moved on.

About a year after the last incident, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer and passed, 4 days before our sons 5th birthday at 35. This brings us to 12 years later and I’ve remarried. I see her EVERYWHERE constantly but we don’t speak.

Recently we had a school reunion and she brought one of her daughters over to me and told me her daughter wanted to meet me and she told her daughter “she used to babysit you all the time.” Because her daughter was with her I didn’t say anything I would have liked to and I just said “yes I did” and I left.

My husband says that was her trying to be friends again and I got upset with him and accused him of not being on my side. I’m right! Right???

**I guess I should clear up that I’m not actually upset with him. It was more of a “hey whose side are you on any way!?” type of thing? I guess I’m really asking if I made it too much of a bigger deal than it actually was and I’m holding a grudge for no real reason or is it even fair anymore if he isn’t here to share the blame?

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

Choice-Intention-926 said:

When you were at your lowest she carried on an affair with your husband. She apologized, when you rebuilt your marriage she then tried to reignite the affair and was rebuffed, stalked you and your husband lied about their relationship and defaced your property.

Holding a grudge for nothing? What do you mean? This woman cause you untold stress. This doesn’t constitute a grudge. If you burn your hand on a stove you don’t hold a grudge against the stove but you are cautious in your dealings with it because you know the pain it is capable of causing. She can want to be friends that’s her prerogative but you’ve seen her for what she is and are keeping a cautious distance. NTA.

JackedLilJill said:

NTA. And NGL, it would trigger tf out of me if my NEW spouse tried to “defend” (not sure if that’s the word I’m looking for) her approach as an olive branch. That being said, he didn’t mean it the way you took it, but stay as far away from her as you can.

completedett said:

NTA You're husband is on your side. But her stay away from her, she's dangerous.

AntSpiritual3269 said:

NTA - Your husband was just making an observation but obviously she’s a trigger for you as she had an emotional affair with your deceased husband. I think you wanted him to say what a psycho which she is but he’s not emotionally invested in the situation like you are hence just the observation

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Even though you’ve moved on and you’re used to seeing her around the fact that she had the audacity to approach you with her daughter which made you unable to say what you wanted maybe left you feeling powerless and that’s what’s bugging you.