Husband feels unappreciated after wife takes full credit for housework in front of friends. AITA?
"AITA for bringing up just how much I actually do for our household to my wife?"
ThrowRa_SadHusband8
Can't believe I actually have a reason to post something on reddit, but here I am. My wife (41F) and I (42M) have been married for 15 years. I apparently surprised her by being capable of doing household chores and tasks, which I didn't think much of. My mom always asked me to help out with chores when I was a kid so I didn't think it was beneath me or anything.
I do think I inherited her need to clean excessively, like it's so bad that I can't eat until a mess is dealt with. My Mom is an amazing cook, my Aunt was a literal chef at a fancy hotel and my dad loved having barbeques. It was pretty natural to learn from them and pick up a thing or two.
The only thing I didn't pick up was how to make a decent cup of tea or coffee, I'm genuinely awful at it. It got to a point where I was handling most of the household chores and taking care of cooking, which I prefer anyways since she comes home exhausted.
I've been asking our children (11F and 9M) to do some minor tasks around the house and hopefully teach them this sort of thing too. She has a group of friends who hang out regularly, this time it was her turn to host the group at her home.
I offered to take our children out for the day, and it was all set. Before we left, I had to finish up some things for work. The office space is practically on top of our living room, so I could hear what they were talking about the entire time.
One of the friends asked how she always kept our house so spotless and my wife just bragged about how she was responsible for it all. Then they all started talking about their gripes with their marriages, a common theme was how unhelpful their spouses were. I felt pretty uncomfortable so I just left the office and went out with the kids.
I came back after they had left for the night and acted as normal until we got to our bedroom. I asked her what was up with that conversation they had and pointed out that I did the cooking and cleaning in our marriage.
She told me not to take it personally, and that she just wanted to fit in with the struggles of her friends. Now I just feel unappreciated, especially since I don't clearly remember any genuine gratitude for what I do from her.
Since then, she's been pretty short with me. She says I'm weaponizing what I'm doing against her and holding it over her head. I didn't intend for that or to make her feel guilty at all.
I don't expect her to compliment me each time I clean or defend me religiously, just a little 'My husband is pretty helpful actually, he does his share' would be nice. I can't help but feel like her friends think I'm some sort of deadbeat who comes home to relax and neglect her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
7hr0wn
NTA. My wife gets those convos and just bows out saying she doesn't have those problems and we split chores equally. It's not hard to do. Then she commiserates with me about other people's very strange life decisions. If her friends were talking about cheating, would she be trying to "fit in" there, too?
OneCraftyBird
I am the wife in your scenario. My husband does his share because we are partners. Also, we spent Covid in the same teeny office and we still like each other. I’m not in middle school, I’m not going to make shit up to impress mean girls and “cool” guys.
I just don’t pitch in during those conversations, just like I don’t jump into conversations about tv shows I don’t watch and books I haven’t read. It’s not hard to avoid throwing a loving partner under the bus.
Even_Budget2078
NTA. For so many reasons. First, OP, you are not "pretty helpful". You are not "helping" her, you are being an A+ partner and you are responsible for the majority of cleaning and cooking. Maybe she "helps" you? Is she "doing her share"? Just something to think about. Don't undersell yourself here.
Second, your wife may think she is trying to fit in, but what's she actually doing is reinforcing a very tiresome gender dynamic that leads to relationship conflict. If these are her friends, the better thing to do is to model an equal and non-gendered home life. Not to hide it and act like it's some weird unicorn occurrence. Normalize men owning the responsibilities of their home life!
Third, of course your feelings were hurt by what she said (and did not say and the implications that silence has on how her friends view you). Do not let her twist this on you. That's a red flag. She's being defensive and is the one weaponizing her "hurt feelings" against your completely legitimate discomfort with being disrespected and misrepresented in your own home.
Valuable_Argument_44
Her logic doesn’t slide for me. I’m a 33f been married and divorced. What friends are they if they can’t be happy for her she’s found a good man? That’s some BS thinking that she needs to lower herself to their problems to have something in common?? Don’t let this go, OP. You deserve to be appreciated for your efforts. A little praise goes a long way, has she ever praised you?
thegodcomplex17
Yeah, I’d be pretty annoyed if my partner sold me out to score some points with their friends. In fact, if I did nearly all the chores and all the cooking I’d be pretty livid overhearing that. NTA, I think you’re letting her off lightly.