Husband asks wife to get a job; 'Our marriage is a mental burden.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for asking my wife to get a job?"

So my wife B and myself A have been together for just over 10 years, when we first got together B was employed with her own income, shortly after falling pregnant she gave up her job and became a at home mum.

Since then we have had 2 children, the youngest being 6 years old, we am self employed and work over 100 hours a week generating money for our family, my wife helps out for around 10 hours a week.

With the current economic climate and being self employed money is tight, as in I haven't paid myself much, approximately £800 per month for 5 months racking up credit card debt while my wife take home approximately £20 per hour as its the minimum she we work for, spending money on clothes, concerts and trips to see friends.

Today I asked if she could possibly find a job to help take the mental health burden and financial burden off of myself.

To which she replied by saying no and that she doesn't have the time around her daily schedule to work, and suggested that I find an additional job to bring in some extra money and shut the business we run during the working hours id be doing elsewhere.

For clarity our business is very much a community hub in the local area and has recently been growing at a great rate, but is in need of a lot of financial expansion to keep up with demand, and this is why money has been tighter than usual, on top of the current world economics.

B while at home writes fan fiction stories for around 80 hours a week and refuses to charge or ask for money from people.

The home responsibilities are split evenly, with me cooking 3 days a week (the only 3 evenings I'm at home) and I also clean the house and do chores on those days to do my part around the home. B is also a lot more qualified the myself educationally, with myself being ex forces and her having completed college and university.

the kids are with me at work 3 days a week after school and on weekends while she is at home or working a few hours. So really am I the asshole here?

aghaoru writes:

No, I’m my opinion that wouldn’t make you an AH. I feel like it was cold of her to quickly write off your feelings and request for her to simply be apart of the household financially.

That’s a lot of weight for one person to carry, even more so when you are struggling all on your own. To add insult to injury she then suggested for to you find another job. As if that is the solution. That in my opinion was truly inappropriate.

I do feel like it would be appropriate of you to ask her exactly what her day-to-day schedule looks like considering it seems to be so hectic.

Because if her solution to your question is for you to find another job because she is too busy, what does she think that would look like for you? If in fact, you did have two jobs? I would have to assume that would mean you have absolutely no time for your wife and children.

Let me be clear I’m not saying that being a housewife is easy, but I was also raised with a mother who worked a full-time job and a father who worked a full-time job and they both had two kids. So, that’s why I would need a detailed run down of her day to day in order to justify that type of response.

It’s hard enough for most men to be vulnerable. Let alone ask for help when it comes to finance. It was very irresponsible of her to ignore that moment of vulnerability while offering absolutely no comfort or support when as a family she should’ve thought deeper about her response.

At the end of the day, there are women everywhere who juggle a career and family while managing everything. They’re even women who by themselves juggle a career and children. Her lack of empathy and responsibility should be the next conversation.

equ8pment writes:

This happened to a friend of mine. Their agreement was when the kids reach a certain age she would go back to the work force. When that time came , he found her a job, with an up and coming business.

He offered to pay for her to take some classes ( computer, up date her education for the job) she said No. they stayed together however , it made him feel like an ATM. In the end his health declined rapidly during their divorce and he died before it was final. Now she gets everything ( not 50%)kids are all adults.

agapagou writes:

Dude, it sounds like you’re in your late 20s-early 30s. Are you doing some kind of weird challenge to see how quickly you can have a heart attack or stroke? This is crazy!

You’ve got to have a sit-down with your wife and lay it out for her. She simply cannot continue her life of relative leisure while you’re killing yourself. Point out that she’s looking hard in the face at being widowed and supporting two children on her own.

If she is your partner, she needs to step up and take on more of the burden. If she refuses to do so, you may be better off separating and giving her a stark dose of reality.

I’m really sorry, OP. The person who should be your biggest support sounds like a drain on everything.

aagrou writes:

As a man I do think men should be the main provider but I think is reasonable for the woman to provide a little bit for small things

Update:

Firstly thank you all for soo quickly commenting on my post. I think I can answer some questions with this small update.

so as there seems to be a lot of questions about the business, the business has been going on 5 years for only the last 6 months have i have taken a pay cut, this is due to a big expansion the business...

its in a growth spiral with profits and sales increasing weekly however more and more stock and additional staff have been taken on to receive the demands. I personally believe that a short term paycut is worth the outcome of a quicker profit later in life. Credit cards have been used to cover some bills which were unexpected, vets etc.

B - the wife, we have discussed for the last 4 years her coming back to work, however for the last four years she ' doesn't have the time to work', I've got job opportunities for her around school hours but she has no interest in working or financially contributing. We mentioned it while the kids were out of school but that was obviously not going to happen.

fanfic, she has been offered money for a story she wrote from a TV channel in the UK and refused it as she, as many have said, doesn't want to turn her hobby into a job, which I can respect in that part, she does have a moderate following and writes for a few websites which profit from her hobby.

The hours I work is currently to help with long term success, we don't come from money at all, but have built up our business from a small start up loan and are now regularly being nominated for our support to the local community, I now feel guilt tripped into carrying on as we know many have fallen dependent on our work.

Universal credit, we have looked into this but universal credit doesn't support Ltd companies, our business turnover is around £200k a year, but as said it is growing quickly, so every penny is going into stock and expansions currently.

Thanks again for the comments, I next have time with my wife on Monday for a few hours and will see if I can chat with her then.