Husband 'blindsides' wife with ultimatum about intimacy; considers divorce. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITAH for giving my wife an ultimatum?"
I (35m) have been married to my wife (37f) for 7 years and we were together another 3 before that. We had a daughter (5f). On the outside our marriage appears to be perfect. She and I own a nice house with a good school district, have a great kid and both work full time.
Her job requires her to do some travel and wants her in the office 3 days a week. My job does not pay as well, but I work completely remote and spend a lot of time talking my daughter to soccer or doctor’s appointments as well as keeping up around the house. Before anyone asks this is not a weight gain issue. I am active and fit and my wife is the same.
For the past 4 or so years my wife has shown basically no interest in our marriage and acts more like my roommate than partner. We have basically no romance or intimacy.
When I say intimacy, I know what some people will jump to, but to me intimacy also means acting like a couple. Hand holding, kisses, cuddling.
None of those are really things my wife wants to do and makes it painfully obvious that she isn’t interested. Before she and I were very much an amazing couple.
My wife also shows no interest in my life. She has forgotten important events like our anniversary and my birthday. Our last anniversary she said she needed to cancel the dinner plans I made for the two of us because she had to work late on a Friday and travel for work the following week.
I brought this up to my therapist who suggested couples therapy and is willing to give some recommendations. I brought this up to my wife who immediately shut it down saying “there’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t need therapy."
I have made multiple suggestions to her for how we can possibly improve our relationship. Family vacation? “Our daughter won’t appreciate it." I don’t see what 5 year old wouldn’t want to go to the beach for a couple days but maybe I’m wrong.
A romantic getaway for just her and I? “No I’m too busy at work." Or “can’t we just spend time together at home?” Taking our daughter on a bike ride and going out to lunch on a weekend? “I want to just relax."
So I gave up trying to initiate anything with her and recently began looking for an out. I watched my parents in a failing marriage for a decade and don’t want to put my child through that.
I talked to a lawyer and got papers ready and can buy a condo in town (to keep our daughter in the same school district with her friends) since I can’t afford our house by myself.
I recently confronted my wife when our daughter was at a playdate. I told her that I am seriously considering leaving her since I feel as though I don’t matter to her and our relationship is never a priority to her. I told her I have an exit plan and if she doesn’t make changes by the new year I am going to file for divorce and full custody.
She and I got into a big fight where she basically told me I was manipulative and an ahole for blindsiding her like that. I told her that none of this would be an issue if she cared about us or at least pretended to.
I told her I don’t want our daughter to see how unhealthy our relationship is. All of this happened yesterday. So AITAH for what I said to my wife and our argument after?
Edit:
I have brought up my concerns about our marriage to her multiple times. Things usually improve for a short while but are quickly back to the status quo in a week or two.
Here's what the top commenters had to say here:
catinnameonly said:
Partner 1: screaming into the void about relationship problems for years. Needs not being met. Etc.
Partner 2: I feel so blindsided by this! Pikachu face.
Maybe if P2 actually cared or listened, they would not have feel blindsided. They chose to ignore.
CandThonestpartners said:
I'm sorry to say this but your wife doesn't care. The first thing she say to you once you mentioned about ending it. She said" I was manipulative and an asshole for blindsiding her like that." First off you didn't blindside her, you mentioned it to her and she didn't want to listen.
Secondly you also asked about couple's therapy and she dismissed you. Every time you try something, she doesn't want to know. She doesn't seem to care about you or your daughter. She doesn't care about your anniversary or your birthdays. She does not seem to care at all.
You are the one that is being there for your daughter and spending quality time. Are you sure she's not having an affair? Personally I wouldn't wait till the end of year. I go ASAP.
Drunkendonkeytail said:
NTA. I’d approach her once again about couples therapy, by saying “I don’t think you are unwell, but I think our relationship is unwell. Either we go to therapy and see if the relationship can be healed or I give up. I feel unloved and my needs are unmet by the current situation.” No blame, no finger pointing.
MizzyvonMuffling said:
She’s checked out already. Take your kid and leave.
HumanityIsBizarre said:
Your wife has checked out of the marriage and is probably just shocked that you still care about anything and demand to be anything other than roommates.
It’s one of three things, she’s fallen out of love but is sticking around for your kid /financial reasons, two she’s defined herself as asexual and has no requirements for intimacy or three she’s been using her nights out with the girls as cover for having an affair hence the complete lack of care/intimacy as she’s getting it elsewhere.
CrabbiestAsp said:
NTA. She wants all the perks of having you around without giving much back. She won't go to therapy, she won't go on holidays, she won't hold your hand etc. I agree with you, you're more like room-mates. Good luck with everything going forward.
FIRST UPDATE:
Hi everyone. First of all thank you for all of your replies and messages. I received a ton and haven’t been able to reply to them all. It has been a crazy couple of weeks unfortunately. My marriage is over and after talking to my wife I realize it has been for a long time. The day after my post, I began the divorce process with my lawyer.
Everyone who said I was an ahole for saying I was going to get full custody, that is true. I was angry, frustrated and said something I shouldn’t have. We are going to split custody, with me having the week days and my wife having weekends. That said, everyone who said she was cheating, congratulations you were right.
She has been for around 4 years now, which is about the time she started withdrawing from our marriage. She has been cheating with this coworker because she felt like she was not attractive after having a child and I was busy with work and childcare. More recently, she has begun to develop feelings for him and was considering leaving me for him which she is now free to do.
When I gave her the ultimatum she was surprised that I was considering leaving her and thought I knew about her affair at the time. We sat our daughter down and explained that we are splitting up but we both love her more than anything.
My daughter was understandably upset and is having a tough time. I am have looking into therapy options for my daughter and told her that she can always tell me how she is feeling. This is the hardest part of everything so far.
My wife and I are going to be geographically close. I’m going to be moving into a condo in early January and my wife is going to move in with her coworker about 15 minutes away. With the sale of our house I will be able to pay off a large portion of my new home. According to the lawyer we can have everything wrapped up by new years if it goes smoothly but with the holidays I’ll be happy with early January.
I’m the mean time I’m going to start rebuilding my life. I did not get married with the intention of getting divorced but here we are. I am going to work on myself and my relationship with my daughter, starting with a vacation.
I am going to surprise her with a trip to Disney this winter. It will be expensive but I really want to make her happy and create some happy memories. I’m going to miss her on weekends. Maybe one day I’ll explain this all to her when she is an appropriate age and we can talk about it more.
In the mean time I am going to work on myself and try to be the best version of me that I can. I don’t know what the future holds but I guess I’ll know event.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
mustang19671967 said:
Have lawyer draw up a document that says you are allowed to travel with your daughter as the sole parent for up to two weeks etc . And allow it to include trips out of the country . It can be done with both lawyers ok it and it being notorized . Saves lots of hassles in the future especially if you get a new love in your life.
[deleted] said:
Showing grace in times of adversity is a real challenge. You’re going to be ok. Better than I was in my divorce. Just keep this level head of yours processing things the way you have been, maturely, and you’ll make it through this process better than most. It sounds like you have your kid most of the time.
Which is good. You’re obviously the more mature parent. "Feeling unattractive" is such an immature reason to cheat. All in all, your ex wife is the ahole.
angelmakr9 said:
Wife: there's nothing wrong with me why would I need therapy?
Wife: I felt unattractive that's why I sought out the approval of other men.
I could be wrong but therapy would have helped the stbx.
OP take care of your daughter and do your best to live your best life. I'm sure your daughter will absolutely love Disney! Good luck!
Pepper_Pfieffer said:
Very smart of to start therapy for your daughter. She's going to be spending every weekend with her mother's affair partner and that could get rough.
DiscussionFine6197 said:
OP, you're gonna be fine. Be nice. Even with what's happened, say nothing of those details to your daughter ever, even when she's older. Your soon to be ex wife deserves to be happy and you as well. The best thing is for you to be the best you possible for your daughter and for yourself. Good luck... It's a cool journey when you get to do it your own way.
[deleted] said:
Good luck, OP. You're doing well; it's important to continue to put your daughter first. As to missing your daughter on the weekends, just give it a little while. Your ex might want the occasional weekend to herself since she's shacking up with the AP. With this arrangement most of her free time she'll be parenting.
A couple of months in, maybe let her know if she needs a free weekend on occasion you will be happy to have your daughter. Depending on how self-involved your ex is, this might be all it takes and voila - you get some weekends back.
FINAL UPDATE:
Hi everyone. I figured I would give one final update. My divorce has been finalized and I feel exhausted and relieved. I am looking forward to starting the next chapter of my life. This was the longest close to 6 months of my life and I’m happy it’s over. I do feel a little empty but that will pass eventually.
My ex wife dragged parts of it out more than needed which was very frustrating. She ended up finding her own place which she was not happy about. She is also pregnant but neither of those are my problem.
I have primary custody of our daughter. I get most weeknights and most weekends, plus travel. She and I are both doing well and adjusting to things a little bit. I’m working on myself still and think I have a long way to go. She is talking it a therapist who is helping her work through her emotions and I tried to make the holidays special for her.
I want to thank those of you who recommended support for infidelity. Reading a lot about similar situations has given me perspective on my situation. If anyone is going through a similar struggle, I understand what you’re going through and hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:
beedumaurier said:
I jumped on the train of your story en route and I'm so happy and relieved for you and your daughter. She's lucky to have a father like you and I wish you both all the best for the future. You both deserve to enjoy your new start together. Stay safe, both of you.
Beagle-Mumma said:
I'm glad to see your update. I can appreciate you have been through heartbreak; it looks like you've handled things well and are making your daughter the priority. Good luck with moving forward.
SupermarketOk9538 said:
Your ex will soon understand what she lost. She destroyed her own life with her cheating. Karma will hit hard. And you doing so far great buddy. Just focus on yourself, start a new life and focus also on your daughter. Greater days waiting for you. I hope you also will find your true love of your life.
ArmDefiant5299 said:
Sounds like everything is going to work out as best as it can for you. And that is awesome. If you do try and pursue other romantic relationships, make sure start fresh. Don't bring any of that old crap into a new one. I've seen it way too many times.
A person who was cheated on brings the trauma from the old relationship into the new and it sours something that cam be great. Have a friend who is on his fourth marriage because he just can't get past his first failed marriage.
ContentRabbit5260 said:
I just read your first post and the update and this one. Honestly made me cry. (Former infidelity victim also). But I’m so happy that you’re getting on with your life and helping your daughter. She’s a very lucky girl! Welp, karma came and slapped your ex but good! Take care and wishing you and your daughter all the best!