Man doesn't support wife being a surrogate to sister, 'I don't know what to do anymore.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my wife to do surrogacy?"
TW: abuse
My (34m) wife Olivia (32f) was asked by her sister Sofia (29f) if she could be her surrogate. Sofia has struggled with infertility for years, and she and her husband have been wanting a kid for a long time. Olivia and I have four sons (10,5,5,3) and don’t plan on having more children.
Olivia wants to do this for her sister and already agreed to it before discussing it with me. After Olivia gave birth to our youngest, she suffered from postpartum depression. I’m worried that this might happen again, and not to mention the toll it will take on her body.
I talked with her and told her my concerns, but she got defensive and began yelling at me, telling me that I’m a horrible person for not wanting to help Sofia and her husband after they’ve struggled for so long. I told her that I wanted them to be able to have a kid, but there were other options that didn’t involve her. She shouted some more and stormed out of the house and didn’t come back until the morning.
I messaged Sofia’s husband, Dean, as he and I get along really well. I told him how I felt about the situation, and he completely understood and told me he’d talk to Sofia. He messaged me later that night and told me that he had tried to change Sofia’s mind, but she wouldn’t listen.
When Olivia came home from work that night, she stormed up to me and slapped me. She told me that Sofia said Dean didn’t want to follow through with the surrogacy because of me, and Sofia was really upset about it. Olivia called me selfish and told me to get over it because she’s doing it regardless of how I feel.
I've given up talking to her about it because I don’t want her to get more angry. She’s been sleeping in the guest bedroom, and I’m pretty sure she’s only staying at the house because of the boys. We barely talk, and she doesn’t even look at me.
I got a message from Dean saying they’ve got an appointment later this week to begin the process. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to see her go through what she did again. I guess there’s nothing I can do though, she’s already made up her mind.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Bigpare said:
Help or not, i would be more worried about your wifes behaviour towards you. You expressed conxern, she turned to anger and physically assaulted you. This is not good behavior towards a loved one. NTA for expressing your concerns.
Jokester_316 said:
NTA. She unilaterally chose a decision that will affect your whole family. Your concerns are valid. I don't like the fact that she physically assaulted you. She's now ignoring you, creating a hostile home environment for you and your children. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. That is not happening. Is this normal behavior for her? Physically assaulting you? Giving you the cold shoulder?
Unfortunately, I think this will be the straw that broke the camel's back. I doubt your marriage survives this pregnancy. You may not want to do it, but get a consultation from a divorce attorney. Your wife is taking you for granted. I'd also quit communicating with the in-laws. They will support her and drive a wedge between the two of you.
Ok_Structure4685 said:
NTA. Send her a message with a photo of the divorce lawyer; the numerous reasons she's given you should be enough to consider not only not staying in the marriage but also the well-being of your children. "Whether you proceed or not, I will continue with the divorce."
What happens if her sister and husband pass away? What if she dies due to the pregnancy? What will happen with the additional burden of the children now that she will have to take care of herself due to the pregnancy? Besides all the negative signals she's given, the potential problems are greater.
Amazing_Teaching2733 said:
NTA. Your wife physically assaulted you because you had a differing opinion about something that will drastically affect your family. Your wife is violent and not in control of her emotions. At minimum I would insist on marriage counseling. But honestly, if a partner hit me the relationship would be over.
PlanetSarah said:
Dude, she physically assaulted you. She’s being incredibly selfish and short sighted at the expense of you and your family. This is only going to get worse as she gets further along. NTA.
Tasty_Doughnut_9226 said:
NTA and she slapped you, why are you glossing over that. If she goes through with this, you have every right to divorce, she's decided this without discussing with you, yes it is her body and her choice, but it will affect you, your children and your marriage, as it it already is. I hope giving her sister a baby is worth it as it seems it is more important than her marriage and her children's family, because it's going to implode.
I would tell her, if she wants to go ahead that's her choice but you don't support it and you will not be the one taking her to appointments, getting her things, helping her, that will need to be her sister and her husband. Honestly I think divorce is the only thing that's going to come out of this, I hope it's worth it to her and her sister.
Bystander_99 said:
NTA - it affects you both. There was a story on the news about a woman who had two kids and she was a successfully surrogate for another couple. She went to surrogate again but died in child birth. That is the reality she is leaving you with.
Not only that but you’ll have to support her through another pregnancy, who’s going to help her to appointments, who’s going to pay for medical expenses, who’s going to watch the kids when she’s in labour/recovery and you have to work and that’s basic. I don’t think they’ve thought this through.
You would be well within your rights to help with nothing to do with the pregnancy but it would kill your marriage, so I guess decide now if you want to divorce now or later. You need couples therapy to get through this but real think if it’s something you want to do with someone who’ll physical abuse you.
UPDATE:
I’ve been reading the comments on my first post for the last several days, and I’m feeling a mix of emotions from them. There are things I need to address, so I’ll do that now before I get into what’s been happening since that post.
To start off, many people have noticed that I haven’t replied to anyone’s comments and are calling me out for it. To be honest, I didn’t plan on answering any comments. I’ve seen posts where the OP doesn’t reply to anyone, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. The comments were very overwhelming as well.
I’ve seen a lot of comments saying that this is fake, and honestly, I wish it was, but it isn’t. I would never lie about something like this. I'm not the type of guy to do that. And the reason my account is new is because I didn’t want to post anything on my main account.
There have also been messages I’ve received that have been less than kind and haven't helped in the slightest with what’s been happening. The things people have sent me are really hurtful and disgusting.
And I’ve noticed people calling me an ahole for going behind Olivia’s back and talking to Dean. The reason I spoke to Dean was because any time I tried to talk to Olivia, she would ignore me and walk away. Sofia wasn’t even an option. She hasn’t liked me since Olivia and I began dating. I have no idea why, but she’s always been rude to me, and I knew if I talked to her about this, it wouldn’t go well.
And the thing that everyone has been talking about. The abuse. So this wasn’t the first time Olivia has hit me. This started a few months before our oldest was born. It happened out of nowhere. I talked to her about it, and she promised it wouldn’t happen again, but it did. Every time she would hit me, she’d apologize afterwards, but soon, she stopped apologizing.
I did try to stand up to her, but whenever I did, she hit me harder and said she’d scream if I did anything. I told her I’d go to the police, and she said she’d claim it was self-defence. She then began to mock me by saying that no one would ever believe me, and they’d all side with her, and I’d never see my boys again.
It just got worse as the years passed. I know a lot of people will call me weak and that I need to grow a pair, but I was terrified. I didn’t want to lose my kids. They mean everything to me. And if I had to put up with the abuse to be with them, then I would.
Olivia has never touched the boys. I asked her one time if she had, and let’s just say that didn’t end well. I’ve checked them for marks and have seen nothing. And the boys are hardly out of my sight, and I haven’t seen anything amiss. She has also never hit me in front of them. She always does it when they’re not around.
My two older brothers, Sam and Jack, figured out what was happening and begged me to go to the police, but I couldn’t. I asked them not to say anything, but my oldest brother, Sam, has a friend who’s a lawyer, and I found out only recently that they’ve been talking to him about it and have been secretly telling him when they notice I have a new mark or when something happens.
Back to the main problem, though. I hadn’t seen Olivia for almost two days, and when she came back, I asked if we could talk. The boys were with Jack for the day, so they weren’t in the house. She went to walk away again, but I stepped in front of her and said that we needed to talk.
This was the first time I’d stood up to her in years, and I was scared as hell. She looked shocked, but then she put the scowl back on and huffed out a fine. I had my phone beside me and recorded the conversation.
We sat on the couch, and I told her again how I felt about the surrogacy. She kept rolling her eyes and scoffing every time I said something. I told her I was worried about how it would affect our family. I brought up the PPD again, and she got angry. She started yelling at me, telling me it was my fault that she had it and that I should never have gotten her pregnant.
Every kid except for our oldest (Who wasn’t planned) was her idea. That’s not to say that I didn’t want my boys, I did, but I didn’t have a say about it. She called me a horrible father and husband and said that I should support her. I said that if she goes through with the surrogacy, I won’t be supporting her as it’s not my kid. She got mad, hit me, called me an ahole, hit me again and left the house.
I called Sam, asked if he could come over and waited for him to arrive. When he got to my house, I just broke down. I told him everything about what’s been going on. The abuse, the surrogacy, the self-harm and depressive thoughts. He hugged me and told me it would be alright and everything would work out.
This is when he told me about his lawyer friend and how he and Jack have been talking to him. I told him I recorded the conversation with Olivia, and he said he’d send it to his friend, along with a photo of the bruise from when she hit me before, and a few other marks as well.
I had given up years ago, and my kids were the only thing keeping me going. I’ve suffered from depression and self-harm (Which I still do), and I think if I didn’t have my boys, I wouldn’t be here.
I’m finally standing up for myself, and it feels really good. I’m going to divorce her and go for full custody. I just hope the courts won’t take her side. And I just want to thank everyone who has been really kind about this, especially the people who messaged me. I haven’t replied to all of them, but just know that I appreciate it so much.
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
x-bacool-x said:
Next time try to install hidden cameras or something for video proof but good luck and I hope you win the custody.
Test-Tackles said:
Get safe brother. I might just be a stranger on the Internet but I'm rooting for ya.
TimelyApplication723 said:
NTA and omg I am so sorry OP. I hope you get full custody. Please please get therapy to help you and your kids. Take care and please don’t let her talk you out of the divorce. You are doing the right thing for you and your kids.