Husband kicked out of the house when wife discovers his history as a sperm donor. AITA?
When this woman is upset with her kids, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for not telling my wife the truth about my history as a sperm donor?"
This one I admit is a bit strange and honestly I never thought of the impact of my actions long ago when I was making a little side cash.
Long story short, I was in college about 15 years ago and like every college student I was low on cash. And, I was flipping through the school paper and saw an ad for a sperm donation.
It said something along the lines of "no mental illness? no drugs? no alcohol? Excellent physical shape? Come make 500 bucks a month." It sounded like a scam but I went to the address and it was a legit doctor's office looking place. Everything looked legit, paperwork and all.
Turns out because of my grades, healthy lifestyle, being 6 feet tall, and so on I actually got 650 a month for coming in for regular donations. This was HUGE for me. Hell my rent in those days for a townhouse was 450.
I only did it for a year and never really told anyone about it. Just moved on with my life no different than any other side gig.
So, boom. My wife and I had been trying for months to have a kid. Eventually we end up getting pregnant and it's a pretty exciting time for the both of us.
Everything went bad and made all those old donation memories I never really thought about come back in a flash when at the baby shower one of my wife's friends bought a onesie for the baby that said "Mom and Dad's First Born Handle With Care."
I thought it was cute but then it made me think... our baby probably isn't my first born. It ate at me for like a week then I told her about the sperm donation I did in college and how I'm pretty sure she's not having my first child. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
She was furious. Especially since we tried for so long before she could get pregnant. Said I lied to her. And, I don't see it like that. I've dated women before her and I never thought to start out "Hi, I'm Brandon and I donated sperm 15 years ago."
Or that it would be a big deal. She's been sleeping at her sister's house for a week now. AITAH?
Let's see what some of the top responses were:
indie50 writes:
I agree with YTA, and everything else. BUT... it's possible that a child he donated sperm for could knock on the door one day (or however else they can get in touch). It's been known to happen.
Not to mention that when his kids with his wife are out in the world, they could meet a sibling and end up in a relationship. I think when one has been a sperm donor their families should know about it for these and other reasons.
So OP should have told his wife 1) before getting married and 2) if not then, then absolutely when planning on children of their own.
obstertix write:
YTA. I’m donor conceived and more than one of my donor siblings has found out through 23&me. This is absolutely something you should have told her when you started getting serious. You have terrible timing as well. And let’s be real you may have biological children out there somewhere but you’re not their dad.
substantialyouth writes:
YTA. You should have communicated this as soon as you got serious with your wife. I don't know if you have copies of the contract you signed, which will depend on the situation/area, but you need to get the contract and read it.
Sperm donors promised anonymity decades ago are now being tracked down and contacted by their children. DNA tests and the internet have all but put an end to anonymity for sperm donors and secrecy for parents.
Legislation surrounding this issue is very WONKY. Your wife has the right to be upset, but if she looked at the bigger picture beyond it not being your first child she has the right to be furious.
As another commenter said, you need to be prepared for ANYTHING if these “children” come back into your life once they become legal age where they reside.
heartroswe writes:
YTA. As a parent of a donor conceived child, I’m sad for everyone here.
To be fair though, the sperm bank didn’t do you any favors. Banks should talk to donors about the implications of their donation, including how it could impact their own family in the future.
Fully “anonymous” donations (which I assume yours was) should not be allowed, specifically because it’s unfair donor conceived children.
The whole industry prioritizes profit over the wellbeing of literally anyone involved.
amazonfamily writes:
YTA- you should have told her long ago. I bet the idea of random people showing up and interjecting themselves into her life because you were their sperm donor is not appealing.
Some of those children will not have been told they are from donor sperm and may think you are their father if they do 23 and me or something like that. Her feelings will be especially strong because of having struggled to get and stay pregnant.
If this would have been a dealbreaker for her she may be feeling betrayed. I wouldn’t want people showing up and wanting a relationship with my husband. Sperm donation is good- not telling her was bad.
deathphatnrom writes:
I don't think you're the AH for necessarily not telling her per-say, but the timing of which you told her definitely at the very least makes you dumb AF, AH at worst.
You should have told her before trying for a kid, when the possibility of you two having kids first came up even.
Maybe not something you disclose on the first few dates unless it just happens to come up, but as others have said, when you two got serious and started thinking about having a family, or even just when you were getting serious in general, it should have come up.
I think she probably wouldn't have had as visceral a reaction if it was well before you two started trying for a child, but the fact you waited till after she was already pregnant (when she's stressed enough as it is because her body is going through it to bring another human into the world) was absolutely one of the worst times you could have brought it up.
Plus the fact you said it wasn't your first child probably feels like you're diminishing the fact that this is, at the very very least, your FIRST CHILD WITH HER.
Hopefully you can figure out how best to try and talk things through, but I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't forgive you right away.
luckyguess7 writes:
I dunno, I don't see donating sperm as having a baby. You were a tool/vehicle to give someone what they needed to fulfill a purpose. You are not a parent to any child of a donation.
I know not everyone sees it that way, but you did not set out to become a dad with random strangers. You gave the gift of life to someone to desperately wanted a child. You are NTA.
Imho, I cannot think of any time that I would have considered that part of a marital discussion. And now you are dealing with a very hormonal pregnant woman. Good luck.
I hope she wraps her head around this and sees that you did not do it with malice or neglectful (parenting) intent. I have to vote NAH. You are so very N T A, and neither is she because, well, hormones.
squiart69 writes:
I’m going with NTA. This was in his past. It was 15 years before he ever knew her. He said after college he didn’t think of it again. This isn’t a whole lot different than donating blood. Or poop for a fecal transplant.
Nobody gets all bent out of shape when you confess to donating blood. And before y’all argue with me it is different because it would lead to a child, not necessarily. Maybe his profile was never picked and used.
Maybe it was used but never resulted in a pregnancy. Maybe something happened to the samples and had to be destroyed. We don’t know if there are actually children out there with his DNA. So who cares?