'AITA for telling my husband that he created this mess and he needs to fix it?'
"AITA for telling my husband that he created this mess and he needs to fix it?"
My husband and I always planned on having kids. It ended up happening a couple of years before we planned due to a condom breaking. I didn’t mind though, I was super happy to welcome our daughter, “Belinda”.
A few years later, we started trying again for a second but it took us a little bit to conceive and we ended up having to use IVF. The doctors never figured out why I couldn’t get pregnant “the old fashioned way” the second time but after one round, my husband and I welcomed our son, “Phillip”. Belinda is now 15 and Phillip is 9.
A close family friend of ours is going through their own infertility journey. My husband and I were discussing it. I mentioned something about IVF and Phillip asked what that was. I explained and then added “we used that to have you”. Belinda asked if we used IVF to have her.
I was about to answer “no” and leave it at that, when my husband butted in with “No, you’re here because the co^%om broke.,” laughing. Belinda immediately looked hurt. We’ve had “the talk” and have discussed that sometimes co^%$ms aren’t effective, how to use them properly and other forms of birth control, so she understood exactly what he was saying.
I quickly added, “You were a surprise but a much welcomed surprise. We always planned on having kids, it just happened a few years sooner than expected.” Belinda just nodded and quietly said “okay”, but I could tell she was really upset.
I later told my husband to apologize and make sure she understands that she’s loved and wanted. He told me I was overreacting. I spoke with Belinda and told her she was loved and wanted. She seemed to feel a little better, but still wasn’t completely happy.
It’s been a few weeks and Belinda has made little jabs here and there. Not in a playful way, clearly she’s still hurt. She’ll say things to her dad like “well, clearly as I was some big mistake” and “sorry for inconveniencing you”. My husband got fed up and told her she’s being dramatic and he didn’t mean anything by that comment.
He later told me to tell her to cut it out. I said no. He said it, made her feel like crap, and hasn’t spoken to her about it since. He has to deal with the consequences of that. She’s a sensitive teenage girl, that’s a scary combination when they feel rejected and unwanted by their fathers. My husband is now saying I’m in the wrong. AITA?
OP added this in the comments:
I didn’t tell him in front of her that he deserved it. He told me, privately, how he felt. I wouldn’t undermine him in that way in front of her.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. " He said it, made her feel like crap, and hasn’t spoken to her about it since. He has to deal with the consequences of that. " Why is this even a question?
Yep. A thsouand moments like this, with no apologies from my parents + being told I'm sensitive, are why we are no contact today. Relationships shrink to the size of repair. If OP's husband values having a relationship with his daughter when she's older, he needs to learn how to apologize yesterday.
This is the first I'd heard of "the size of repair", but I googled and found this. Basically, I think it boils down to a relationship is only as good as much effort as you (plural) put in to repair it when it's strained or damaged. If you put no effort into repairing a damaged relationship, that relationship becomes smaller, less robust, less intimate.
It's eroded because that lack of care and lack of effort is remembered, you don't trust that person quite as much anymore because when they hurt you, they didn't care to rebuild the broken trust When you repair the fabric of the relationship, you are maintaining and building strength back into your shared bond.
NTA. Your daughter is still hurt. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and talk to her. It's silly of him to drag it out - you can obviously prove to your daughter she's loved - after all you liked having a child like her so much you were willing to pay a small fortune to get one more!
So to you, that unplanned pregnancy was like winning the lottery! My youngest brother was a broken condom result. It bothered him for years, until he had his first child, who also was unplanned.