'I don’t know what to do about my husband not respecting boundaries with a woman.' UPDATED 2X

If something smells fishy, it's likely your nose isn't lying to you.

"I don’t know what to do about my husband not respecting boundaries with a woman."

So, here we go. My husband doesn’t respect my boundaries when it comes to a coworker of his. He works mainly with women, and only treats the one any differently or better than anyone else at his job. I just need to vent/possibly get advice? I sometimes feel crazy or like I’m wrong for asking him to change certain aspects of his relationship with her. They’re around the same age. Both married.

So they’ve worked together for years, and I only just noticed an issue probably about a year ago at this point. I got pregnant 10 months ago, and my husband didn’t want children.

This spiraled into some very hurtful and horrible things to be said to me by him, and him ultimately telling me he fell out of love with me and hasn’t been happy in the relationship for quite some time and he’s been lying to me about him being happy in the relationship.

Those things aside, throughout my pregnancy, I felt very alone and contemplated getting a divorce many times just simply because of his treatment of me. Let alone how he put his coworker on a pedestal and seemingly liked everything that she posted or that was posted about her from their job’s page.

He stopped reacting to anything I posted at all, and she added me on social media because I decided before I found out I was pregnant that I would try to become comfortable with their friendship and be friends with her. I found out these things from doing investigating and being present during certain conversations:

He helped her pick out a dress to wear to a wedding, and then she video messaged him while at said wedding stating “this is her dream wedding” If I ask him his opinion about any article of clothing, I get either nothing from him, or he will say, “well I wouldn’t wear that.”

He bought her two Apple Watch bands that were designed specifically for her, that he paid for with his personal credit card so I would not see the transaction, and had the items shipped to his job, so I would not see the package.

They went to a convention together for their job, and at said convention, apparently, he got her mom's phone number and now he apparently communicates with her mother also.

He has had her on Life360 for MONTHS, after I asked him a while ago if he would be willing to sign up with me so we can location share. He told me no. Then I found out from a notification on his phone's Lock Screen, that those two share location on the app. He didn’t add me onto the app until 3 weeks later, after I had to hound him to add me.

She recently deleted and blocked me on social media, and when I asked him about it, he said it’s because I told him I didn’t want her at the hospital after I spent 3 days in labor and hadn’t showered or slept after having our baby.

He has her mother on social media as well, and she has his sister on social media. This alone wouldn’t be weird if he didn’t tell me that they’ve only met a handful of times, but he also reacts to her mothers posts frequently as well, also about her.

We were outside of church one day when he recognized her from behind and called out to her, we had a short conversation, in which she pretended to not remember our nieces name, when she’s met our niece a handful of times.

But also as I said, she follows his sister on social media where his sister obviously posts about her child, AND she wants to go with his sister, his mom, and our niece, to Disney. Obviously she would know our nieces name.

They call and text each other every single day, sometimes about work, sometimes not. He has her name saved in his phone as just one letter. He says it’s a joke between them. I don’t know. All of this to say, when I tell him I’m uncomfortable with things between them, he tells me to get over it, to deal with it, to move past it. He swears nothing is happening. But I just can’t help but feel like there might be.

Why else would she feel so bitterly towards me enough to block me on social media? Why else hide the Apple Watch purchase? Why else pretend to not know our nieces name?

And these are just some of the things I can think of off the top of my head. There has been more. I don’t know what to do. He won’t do couples therapy. Despite me asking him over and over again. I just feel like I’m being gaslit here.

The internet did NOT hold back one bit.

Full-Arugula-2548 wrote:

What exactly are you trying to salvage here? He sounds checked out of your relationship and at least having an emotional affair. He refuses to work on anything and definitely won't separate himself from her. Time to go. You have a kiddo to think about now and staying in this situation isn't going to be healthy for you.

West-Adhesiveness555 wrote:

Maybe she isn’t married anymore. Have you checked that? If he talks to her mother and your SIL is in her Facebook, then he is in a full relationship with her and trying to get out.

MoonGladeLadyBug wrote:

Oh my gosh OP, where is your self respect. Your husband has checked out and is having an affair right infront of your face, as you care for the newborn he did not want. Secure a Lawyer, your Papers, Bank accounts, reach out to Family/Friends for support and help. Protect yourself and your child. Get out!

[deleted] wrote:

First. Your husband is having an affair. Whether or not they have slept together is irrelevant. Second, see an attorney before you do anything else. Follow that attorney’s advice. In most states, evidence of an affair doesn’t matter, but in those that do, it can be very advantageous. Follow the attorney’s advice. Sorry you are going through this.

Careless_Welder4048 wrote:

Girl I’m sorry but come on. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. You will only get hurt more if you don’t accept it.

Not long after, OP deleted the original post and made an update.

I’ll give a better update later on if I happen to discuss this entire thing with my husband. I deleted my OG post about my husband and his co worker because it kinda blew up way more than I expected. I was solely looking for validation that how I was feeling wasn’t just in my head and that I wasn’t being unreasonable when I asked him to please slow things down with said woman.

What I didn’t expect was for Tiktok to pick up my post and over 80 thousand people see said post. I now have to hope that someone my husband knows, or my husband himself, doesn’t end up seeing it somehow before I’m ready to confront him about things. I also got a message from Reddit this morning stating another reddit user was concerned for me, I’m sure because I deleted the OG post.

I promise I’m fine, it just got way bigger than I intended. Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement to take the right steps for my son and I, even if some of it was a little harsh 😂 and the validation. That’s really all I was wanting, really. Knowing that I’m not crazy for feeling like something is going on is weirdly comforting.

The comments kept coming.

Fit_League_8613 wrote:

Girl you just gave 1000x reasons in that post about why he should already be your ex but you’re still sitting here contemplating. You should’ve been done the second you were pregnant & he said he didn’t want kids/fell out of love with you. You’ve given him more time than he deserves with you. Buckle down, and get it done.

Silent_Management625 wrote:

Hopefully the update will be a divorce. There’s no way you want to stay with that kind of husband.

anonalien- wrote:

We’re all rooting for you to move on and divorce the douche bag you will call your (ex) husband!! He was only a sperm donor for your wonderful child. I’m excited for you and your new journey!! Don’t let this person bring you down because you have so much more (and better) life to live. Sending lots of positive vibes your way.

Selket_8673 wrote:

You got this girl! I’m so sorry about it. Definitely let her husband know. Make your plan. We are all behind you 🥰

A year later, OP shared another update.

Hello all. I’m sure a lot of you may remember when I posted about my husband and his relationship with his co-worker. I then deleted the post (and the account) because it got very big very quickly.

Here’s the update: I found proof of the cheating, I now have my 10 month old, and my son, my cats, and I left the house tonight before my husband got home, so he could not talk me into staying home and not leaving as he always does. I guess the update is that I left. I found the physical proof today.

I don’t have even a cent to my own name, I’m thankful for my friends who have graciously let us stay here for the night. My husband finally admit to the affair over the phone when we spoke so he could speak to our son and tell him goodnight, etc.

I am feeling lots of feelings, but the main one is that I have no clue where to go from here. With this sweet smart little boy, and my two cats, I don’t know what happens after tonight.

But, I left. It only took me almost a year to do so. By the way, I already told my therapist what happened, so yes, I’m in therapy to help me work through everything and I have been in therapy for a while due to the past issues we’ve had too.

Thanks everyone. If you don’t know about the original post, don’t worry. The gist is I thought my husband had an inappropriate relationship with his co worker and he kept telling me they were nothing but friends. Cherry on top is she’s pregnant ands he tells me it isn’t his, but how do I believe that after he lied to me about everything else? I’m tired, y’all. Wish me luck going forward.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

jimmyb1982 wrote:

Does the AP's husband know he is married to a cheater? Good luck, OP. Do not let him strong arm you into staying.

OP responded:

My husband says it is a “one sided” affair, on his end. From what I have seen, I do not see how it could be one sided. Though, I still have not spoken to my husband in full detail about things yet. I am waiting for our baby to be asleep before we have any type of heavy conversation.

Little_Cats3 wrote:

So he admitted to the affair after a whole year of gaslighting you and telling you that you couldn’t divorce him, what a pathetic excuse for a human he is. You just needed the push to make the move, I don’t want to say I’m glad he told you, because I honestly wish this hadn’t happened at all, but I’m glad you left. You both deserve better.

Get a good lawyer, I hope you kept receipts of any purchases he made, and text messages of him telling you he never wanted the baby, everything that spells out that not only did he cheat but this child was unwanted by him as well. Good luck!

Smurfgrl417 wrote:

Isn't she married? And your husband picked out her wedding dress. Does her fiance know? If not you should tell him after you take your husband to the cleaners in a divorce. Gather all proof of his mistreatment of you that you can, and go for the jugular.

OP responded:

He picked out a dress for her to go to a wedding in. It was a very pretty red dress. And she is married, yes.

Duke-of-Hellington wrote:

Honestly, you sound sane and canny , caring, and on top of things. There is no doubt in my mind that you will get through this hell and out the other side safely and relatively quickly. Woman, you got this.