My husband started acting like a COMPLETELY different person after the birth of our baby; 'Is something medically wrong with him?!' UPDATED 6X

↵

When this woman is freaked out my her husband's complete change in personality, she asks the internet:

"My Husband Started Acting Extremely Differently After Birth of Our Baby. What should I do?"

My husband has yet to hold our son. He won't call him by his name, he always refers to him as "the baby" and he won't do anything to help take care of him.

On Tuesday my husband moved into the camper to get "quiet time" as he calls it. I've seen him for maybe 10 minutes since Tuesday.

Up until our son was born we had a great marriage. I don't know what to do. This is probably totally unrelated, and me just being goofy. My husband used to box semi-professionally until he was 28. He had to quit because of concussions. Like those football players.

At first I thought maybe he needs an MRI. My husbands coworker (My husband is a field tech for JD) came by yesterday to see the baby. I asked some questions and my husband has been fine at work. Not forgetful or acting strange. So it's probably mental and not physical, right?

Readers weighed in on OP's story before she provided updates:

It is a huge culture shock when you have your first baby. No matter how much you "know" your life will change, there's really no way to understand how final that is until the kid actually arrives. And to make it even harder, that kid you have is a newborn. Arguably the hardest part of your 18+ years of parenting is the very beginning.

Other folks are almost certainly right that he is having trouble transitioning or even depressed, but another suggestion I have is to make some time to be adults together. I am well aware that it's easier said than done.

But have someone come over and take the baby for even just a few hours. Go out to Chipotle together. Remember that there is a life outside this infant. For my own husband, these chances to have the attention focused on the two of you again were so important.

And also remember that he didn't carry the baby inside for nine months like you did. A lot of dads are slower to bond. For you being pregnant was a constant reminder. For him it was a thing to observe, and only now is he able to start his own side of the process. He'll be okay in the long run.

fragrantt6 writes:

As a father of 2,5 months old girl, I do understand what your husband is going through. I see a lot of replies suggest you to talk to someone - parents, friends, or talk to shrink etc.

None of this shit is going to work, I can give you 100% on that. I'm married to my my wife for 5 years, and we've been in relationship for 6 years prior to marriage.

We bought the house, prepared financially and made a solid decision to have a baby as "project of our life". During the pregnancy I was super excited and 100% supportive and tried to be there as much as I can. I went to every single doctor visit with my wife. So here comes the due date.

Everything goes smooth, my wife gave birth to our beautiful daughter and it all seems awesome. Until the very first night while we are still at hospital. Baby starts crying for minutes... Dozens of minutes... Randomly.. very loud.

That stupid feeling that there is almost nothing you can do, and you can't go away, and it is a new reality started overshadowing all the excitement and happiness I felt all the 9 months of pregnancy.

As days went by, it hasn't improve at all. On contrary, tiredness has accumulated, and on top of it I'm no longer #1 for my wife. I didn't get a fraction of attention from my wife that I used to receive to recharge from the fighting of the outside world. And it's not about se% at all.

Basically, overnight, all my existence, thoughts, desires became unimportant, while the expectation and responsibilities increased 10x fold. The fact that this is new reality got me depressed like never before. I felt I lost my way of life, confidence, my wife, purpose to move forward etc.

It does sounds selfish and egocentric, but this is a nature of some of us men, weather everyone else likes it or not. Growth spurt didn't help either. It took this hell to a whole another level of maddness. My wife showed enormous support and understanding during all this time.

She basically had to babysit 2 babies at once nurturing and expecting me to grow up faster.

First month I was just sad piece of human existence running chores around the house, occasionally talking to my wife. I openly said to my wife that I don't love the little one, and hate the situation and how I felt atm.

I was joking that I should have reviewed return policy on "that one" and said bunch of horrible things that I always regret layer.

She took all of it and told me I can say any stupid shit I want but directly to her and no one else. At first it was awkward, and she didn't take it as strong as she might thought. Some of my thoughts also resonated with her, and I started worrying wtf have I done.

But after 2 months when the baby started smilling and attempting to cooing/communicating my heart melted. My look at life and baby changed dramatically. It is a difficult time for all three of you.

Don't get desperate though and give a chance to your husband even at cost of you personal feelings. It will pays out in the end. Hope you guys will get through to it sooner than later. Good luck!

midwaysilver writes:

Honestly I think this happened to me when my youngest son was born. I already had two kids and didn't plan to have anymore also things were not great between the Mrs and me at the time then the new baby arrived and I just didn't have the same enthusiasm as I'd had with the other kids.

I don't think I even realised it at the time. Now he's nearly 3 years old and he's like my shadow, I can't imagine my life with him in it. I expect your husband will be the same when he gets his head together.

Update 1:

He's just not himself. If I was to call the non emergency line to the local firestation and explain that my husband, who has a history of head trauma, is not acting himself, what would happen? Could they take him to get tested? I'll make the call, I just don't want to escalate this and then be wrong or have him mad.

Update 2:

Screw it. I made the call. Maybe it's his concussions, maybe it's something else. The person I talked to at the firestation was very concerned and they are sending an ambulance. He's going to get an MRI, whether he wants to or not.

I'm probably overreacting, but I've seen that documentary about the football players. My husband has had dozens of concussions over the years. The neighbors can call me a Nervous Nellie all they want, I'm at wits end.

Update 3:

Last night I called the firestation and talked to a firefighter about my husbands strange behavior since our son was born. With my husbands history of head trauma, he was a boxer from 12 to 28, I was concerned. They sent an ambulance.

The paramedics evaluated him and told me something wasn't right. They decided to take him to the hospital. We've been there all night while my husband was getting scanned and tested. They did all kinds of tests involving memory, they used flashcards, and mental quizzes and puzzles.

I'm in shock as to how bad my husband's mental state is. It's embarrassing I didn't notice how far he had declined. Maybe I didn't want to notice? Maybe it was a conscious decision?

I watched him struggle name his hometown. He had lived there the first 22 years of his life. He couldn't do it. Mother's name, father's name. He struggled with answering the most basic questions.

I had noticed in recent years he talked about the past less and less. He rarely tells stories about his past anymore. I didn't know that it was because he, basically, doesn't have a past anymore. All those pictures around the house hold no real meaning for him.

He doesn't remember our first kiss, when he proposed to me, or very much about our wedding. He knows these things happened, but the specifics of those events are lost to him.

A psychiatrist met with him, but she wasn't very helpful. She kept asking him about suicide. My husband isn't suicidal. She asked him misleading questions like she was trying to trick him into being suicidal. When I brought up how my husband hasn't bonded with our son she waved me off and told me she had rounds.

The neurologist is awesome. He really cares. My husband's boss and some coworkers came this morning. They were more honest with me today than I think they have been in a long time.

My husband hasn't been a trainer in 2 years. He used to go and get trained on all the new JD technology and then train the other techs. It got to the point he couldn't do it anymore.

He also has notebooks filled with notes and procedures he should know by heart. They're like his crutches so he can do his job. He rarely goes on field calls alone anymore, he usually takes someone with him.

I met with a counselor that the neurology department employs to help patient's families deal with the fallout. She told me to prepare to take on more and more of the responsibilities around the house.

It's a worry because my husband is the bread winner and I can't replace his income on my skills and education. She explained that patients with the trauma my husband has exist on routine. When something disrupts that routine, like a new baby, they often can't cope.

My husband is staying for a few more days. Tomorrow he meets with a different psychiatrist and then is being transferred to a more advanced neurology center 3 hours away. With a little luck I'll have a more definitive care plan and have him home by Wednesday or Thursday. Take care of your brain, kids.

Update 4:

My husband used to live to go hunting. He looked forward to deer season all year long. Bought hunting magazines, watched hunting shows on TV. It was his passion. Then he just lost interest. It was a huge red flag and I missed it. I was too absorbed in my own petty crap to let it register. Stupid.

Update 5:

It's scary, I mean, he's only 35. To think that he could be like this for another 30 or more years? I'm ashamed to say I had a good long cry.

Bills. Oh God. A week before the baby was born we bought a new Tahoe. 72 payments. I wanted a new car to go with the new baby. There was NOTHING wrong with my old car. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We're still paying on his truck. The mortgage. Credit cards. Tool payments. The bills from the baby haven't come yet. We're going to have bills from this. We have insurance but the copays and deductibles are high. I'm trying not to think about it all.

It’s been a long and difficult week. My husband went to the city to the major neurological center on Monday and they confirmed his diagnosis of CTE (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy).

He was there until Wednesday and then he came home. We worked with a counselor there and my husband held his son for the first time. He had this kind of bewildered look on his face. Then he teared up and said “This is all I ever wanted and I can’t even enjoy it.” That broke my heart, I had to leave the room for a while.

Brain injuries are tricky. The neurologists said the best case is my husband doesn’t deteriorate any more than he is. When I asked about the worst case they told me to be prepared to put him in assisted living. That’s something you never want to hear. This whole journey is a rollercoaster.

We’re working with a counselor through a church in the area to try and develop some coping strategies. The Biblical Counseling is a ministry supported by tithing, so it doesn’t cost us anything. We have a standing appointment Fridays at 4.

With my husband’s injury he can function well on a routine. Babies don’t do routine. At 5am my husband gets up, then he goes for a 6-mile run, then calisthenics, shower, shave, brush teeth, breakfast and then he starts his day.

If his routine is disrupted he can’t recover and adjust. Our dog adjusted to my husband’s routine. At 5am she’s ready to go for a run. Babies don’t do schedules.

It’s hard not to get discouraged. I see my husband struggle so hard to adapt. It hurts him that he can’t learn the new tasks quickly. I’m patient and supportive, but he still gets frustrated. Like packing the diaper bag. He knows that we need stuff, he just can’t do it without a checklist.

Screw it, I’m making checklists. The nurse said it’s important to try and make things as normal as possible. Watching a 35-year-old man not be able to figure out how many diapers to take on a trip to Walmart is heartbreaking.

I made checklists for everything. If it’s something that he does all the time he’s better, it’s learning new things that are hard.

For the past couple of years, in hindsight, it’s baffling I didn’t notice. All I can say is I must have fallen into the comfortable routines with him. I didn’t question anything. If I asked him to do something and he refused I just did it myself.

It never occurred to me that maybe he wants to go out to eat breakfast because making breakfast causes him anxiety he’d rather not deal with. Go ahead and nominate me for wife of the year, although I’ll probably be runner up to Lorena Bobbit.

The owner of the dealership took us and the service manager out to dinner on Saturday to come up with a plan for keeping my husband earning. The owner is kind of old fashioned and is adamantly opposed to seeing a young man like my husband depend on handouts to feed his family.

Thank God. They’re going to assign a junior tech to work with my husband fulltime. He’ll be there on every job helping my husband out. The dealership also has a bunch of old equipment on the lot that they can’t sell. It’s mostly scrap.

They’re going to clear out the lot in an auction and whatever money is made will go to us to help pay for medical bills.

The general manager is also checking with JD corporate to see if they have any assistance programs a dealer tech would qualify for. I think there’s a foundation or something. They’re also giving my husband a 40-hour check for last week and not docking his PTO.

My husband agreed to let me take over the finances. I don’t think we’re behind on anything, and our credit is good, so it should be pretty easy. Paying the bills and balancing a checkbook has been a real burden on him.

It explains why he stopped letting me have access to the bank account a while back. He told me to just charge everything to the credit card and he’d take care of it. Another gigantic red flag I missed.

Looking back there are so many red flags I missed. I feel like an idiot. Shit, I used to tease him about forgetting stuff. I made jokes about him being a “punch drunk old boxer.” I feel awful.

I feel about 2 inches tall. I can’t imagine how bad I embarrassed him over the years. If I live to be 2,000 years old I’ll never be able to make it up to him.

The baby is doing great and we’re taking things one day at a time. Now that I’m not so oblivious it’s getting easier to take care of husband and baby. My parents left on Sunday and his dad flies home tomorrow. Then it’s just us again. It was great having help for a little while.

It’s too bad we live in such a rural area. The neurology center in the city has outpatient programs that would help. It’s 6 hours roundtrip. It’s just too much to make the trip 3 times a week.

We’re kind of stuck where we’re at. I doubt my husband could get hired anywhere else at this point. We’re going to keep a monthly appointment at the neurology center for monitoring. It’s the best we can do.

It’s not like TV where people can effortlessly uproot their lives to do what’s best. In the real world you sometimes have to take the worse option.

We meet with a lawyer from our church on Wednesday to set up some documentation so I can handle the finances and make medical decisions. I think it’s called a power of attorney. He’s going to get us all set up for the price of one of my homemade apple pies. Thank you all for your support.

Update 6:

They took a complete medical history and did a dye marker scan. Your are correct, the only way to 100% diagnose CTE is a post mortem scan. Howevewr his symptoms and medical history have led the neurologists to conclude my husband has CTE. It's largely a process of elimination.

Given his extensive history of head trauma it is unlikely that it is anything else. They are proceeding with a treatment plan for CTE.