'My husband (32/m) is upset that I (31/f) don't look more like a mom.' + UPDATE
"My husband (32/m) is upset that I (31/f) don't look more like a mom."
Dan and I have been married for 3 years and 8 months ago welcomed our amazing son into the world. He was very planned and wanted and motherhood had been transformative for me. I was able to take 4 1/2 months maternity leave before going back to work.
Without going into too many details, we both work white collar jobs that require professional attire. A normal work day look for me is a skirt or pair of slacks, a silk blouse, pumps or boots depending on the weather (but always with a heel because I'm 5 foot nothing), maybe a blazer if I have a big meeting.
Dan wears a suit almost everyday. I also style my hair and do some makeup for work everyday. This is what I wore before our son was born and what I continue to wear.
Dan and I are pretty even in sharing parenting duties. I tend to take mornings because I'm more of a morning person that Dan. A normal morning for me starts early, short workout, shower, get baby up, get ready, get baby ready and baby off to Dan because the daycare is on Dan's way to work.
I'm normally dressed at the tail end of this process but I keep my robe on over my clothes in case my son wants to give my outfit something to remember him by on our way out the door.
For the last month or so, Dan has been more irritable than normal in the morning. There have been side comments if he gets up and I'm drying my hair or getting dressed- basically if I'm not 100% focused on my son in the am. Our son is happy playing and supervised so I just chalked it up to morning moodieness but it's been getting worse.
Last night I brought it up in what I thought was a neutral, non confrontational way. Basically his answer was this: his mom was 100% a mom after her kids were born. She gained a fair amount of weight after she had kids and never tried to lose it.
She wore sweatpants everyday and works a job where she wears a uniform so if she wasn't in her work uniform she was in sweats and a tshirt. She never did her hair or make up.
Her entire identity was being a mom and she's shared with me how hard it was to watch her kids start their own lives. Dan thinks I don't care about our son as much as he does since I worked on losing the baby weight and still put effort into my appearance.
I feel like keeping this part of my identity actually helps me be a better mother. I love my son but I'm still me and I still have the things I like to do. Dressing wel my identity actually helps me be a better mother. I love my son but I'm still me and I still have the things I like to do.
Dressing well, blowing out my hair and doing my make up are therapeutic to me. Now that being said, my son is my life and if I knew that not doing those things but guarantee him a happy healthy life I would stop immediately.
I told Dan that my son and I have our morning routine and he gets lots of time and attention before I go to the office. Dan said he wasn't looking to fight but he just wanted me to think about my priorities and my time management. Is it normal for new moms to totally sacrifice all the things you like to do? Is this a sign of something deeper I need to address with my husband?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
"I hate the way my wife bore me a child and still looks hot and gets up with our baby so I don't have to." Who is this guy?
And helps fiscally supports the family while modeling a healthy independent capable lifestyle that isn't crushed my parenthood. The point is to raise an adult, not a perpetual child. The way she is doing it is the best way to ensure that, his way is the opposite.
He should stop projecting his views of motherhood and memories of his own mom onto you. It's inaccurate and just a little creepy. It sounds like you're spending time with your kid, so he has nothing to complain about. I can't even begin to attempt the amount of logical gymnastics that would get me to think that dressing like a slob means you somehow love your kid more.
Whatdoesamomwear (OP)
It's basically that anytime I spend doing stuff for myself is time that our son isn't the center of attention. But I am paying attention to our son, he's never neglected and if I had to choose between straightening my hair and making my son feel better- my son wins without a second thought.
Tell him you expect him to wear sweatpants, gain weight, only talk about his son, never go on nights out, or he's not a good enough dad. Sound insane and unreasonable? Exactly.
Also, frankly it's good that you're addressing it now. Don't let him bully you into isolation or more than your fair share of family duties. He is not a mum, he doesn't get to dictate how you are a mum.
Retaining your independence and sense of self is immensely important at this point in your life. You are more than a childcare vessel, just as he is more than that. Also point out that you aren't his mother. Frankly it's weird that he wants to remake you in her image.
Ten days later, the OP returned with an update.
I had no idea my post would get so much attention. There was a lot of really solid advice (and one creepy PM warning me that by dressing in business attire and wearing lipstick and heel I was being overly sexual around my child and that would turn my son into a serial killer. Stay gold, internet.)
A couple of clarifying points:
My MIL did work when my husband was growing up, she just did not have an office job. She works in a medical field and wears scrubs everyday.
When she's not in scrubs, she's in sweatpants. Seriously. For our wedding, his family started a pool about whether or not she would wear sweats to the wedding. I did not suddenly get sexy after my son was born. I was slightly overweight before my son was born and I'm back to my pre-baby slightly overweight shape.
Now the update:
Dan and I went out without our son so we could talk. I told him that I was confused by his comment and I wanted to talk about it.
I asked him if he could name specific things about the morning routine that made him feel as though our son was neglected. I offered to "switch shifts" so to speak if he though our son should have more AM parent time.
To make a long and confusing conversation short- Dan's confused by the fact that I got over my postpartum depression and am back to normal now. For some context, my PPD never made me question whether or not I loved my son or made me feel like we never should have had him.
My PPD made me feel like I was constantly failing my son, that I wasn't good enough to be his mom and that he deserved better. There were a few times I broke down and started crying and would tell Dan that he was so much better at being a parent than I was and that our son didn't deserve to have a shitty mom like me.
Luckily, I have an amazing DR who recognized that this wasn't just baby blues and helped me get the help I needed. It could have been much worse. Basically, Dan only felt like a good parent when I was failing and telling him that I was terrible at it. Now that I'm doing better, he no longer feels like a good dad.
It's pretty bad, but we're staring couple counseling, I'm continuing with the counseling I started for my PPD and Dan's going to see someone too. We're going to figure it out. And I'm still going to wear heels to work even though it's going to turn my son into an axe murderer.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Sounds like Dan needs a counselor to work some stuff out. Good for you being the smart, hot mom. He should be on his knees thanking whomever that you didn't develop Golden Uterus syndrome.
Whatdoesamomwear (OP)
Currently, no one has gilded my uterus to my knowledge but i promise another update if I strike gold up there ;)
It seems like Dan has issues of his own that need to be addressed. It's pretty common to feel like you aren't doing a good job with your new kid, but when he had you reassuring him that he was an amazing dad all the time (just to clarify, don't change a thing, this isn't your fault) he felt like he had it together at least to you.
Now that you aren't struggling, he probably compares himself to you and thinks he's lacking. There are other explanations obviously, but that's a very common one. I'm glad that you both will be addressing this in therapy, and I expect you'll see improvement soon. :)
Whatdoesamomwear (OP)
That's a pretty good summary. We're the first people in our immediate circle to have a baby so we don't have a ton of parent friends to normalize our experiences. I think we'll be okay.
There's been a lot of terrible spouses in this sub, but this idiot really said, "I'm mad that you got over your mental illness because your sobbing breakdowns made me feel like the better parent, so I tried to shove you back into post-partum depression by saying you were failing."
That's not even touching that he SPECIFICALLY tried to make her spiral by saying she was neglecting her child, the exact thing she had breakdowns over. This guy freaking sucks.
“I really preferred it when my wife was cripplingly depressed because it made the bar lower for me. Maybe I can make her depressed again so I can feel superior!” This woman is not NEARLY angry enough at her spouse.
WOW. I thought the update would be that her husband was trying to push OP into a SAHM role, or he was feeling insecure about OP looking good. Turns out there is a third option! Trying to bring your partner down to make yourself feel like a better parent. Just wow.