'AITA for not supporting my brother when he claimed my niece's baby looks like my SIL?'

"AITA for supporting my niece after she unloaded on my brother and SIL?"

No-Shock-7087 writes:

This is something that happened only a few days ago. My niece Ciara (24f) had a baby two and a half weeks ago. She and her partner decided they didn't want anyone at the hospital and would handle visits when things settled a bit.

Her dad and stepmom offered to host any family on her paternal side she wanted to have meet the baby, and she agreed, so I was invited. During the visit, my brother was holding Ciara's baby, and he told SIL, who is the step-grandma, that their first grandchild looks just like her and that Ciara's child was a mini-SIL.

Ciara told her dad not to say that. He told her it was true and that she should be proud. SIL asked her why that offends her so much—after all, she is a grandma, and these things can happen. Ciara said she's step. She's a stepmom, a step-grandma.

She is not biologically related to her or her child, and both of them need to accept that and stop trying to force this idea that they (Ciara, her child, but also Ciara's full siblings) look like SIL.

My brother told her to calm down and stop acting hormonal, as if there's something wrong with finding familiar features in family. Ciara took her baby from my brother and passed the baby to her partner.

Then she told them SIL is not her real family, is not her real mom, and is not who she looks like. She told them she has always looked just like her mom, and so does her baby. She told them she had warned them that they were going to stop acting like SIL was her actual mom and the actual grandma, or she would walk. And she did. She told them she was done.

I followed Ciara out, which angered my brother and SIL. I soothed Ciara and reassured her that we haven't all forgotten her mom. Once I got home, I realized the anger my brother and SIL held toward me for leaving too because I had several texts. They told me I had defended Ciara being unreasonably nasty to them and especially to SIL, and I should have stayed to support them instead of Ciara.

For those who'll ask for background: My brother was widowed young. Ciara was the oldest at 7; her siblings were 4 and 2. My brother remarried 18 months after his first wife died. He'd known SIL for six months at the time. It was very fast for Ciara, but the marriage also started because my brother wanted the kids to have a mom, which is something Ciara never liked.

She has never cared for SIL but learned to tolerate her over time. However, my brother and SIL do like to talk as though SIL birthed the three original kids, which I mentioned before wasn't right because their mom still deserved to be recognized. I was ignored, however.

To clarify what I mean by that: SIL and my brother will say the kids look just like SIL when all three favor their mom heavily, or they'll claim "they" have saved for the kids since birth. They also describe Ciara as their firstborn child. Comments of that nature are very common from them. AITA?

Here are the top comments:

TopAd7154 says:

NTA (Not the A^#*ole). Your brother is to be honest. I'm an auntie and my loyalty is always 100% to my niece and nephew. Ciara's wellbeing is paramount here. Your SIL and brother are overstepping. Ciara is probably REALLY missing her mother now more than ever. It was grossly insensitive and juat plain cruel.

OP responded:

She told me that she is. It makes her more aware of everything her mom went through and then for some other woman to come and take her place, it really brought a lot of things back. Even just wondering how her dad could try to slot in someone else the way he did. I feel so bad for her because she set her boundaries and they didn't respect them.

coastalkid92 says:

NTA. Your brother was sucky by telling her not to act hormonal from the outset and then your brother and SIL have clearly continued to push a boundary that Ciara has set. Good for you for backing her up by following her out, but she likely could have used some interference in the moment.

EllieGleam says:

NTA. You supported your niece when she felt her boundaries were crossed. Your brother and SIL may mean well, but dismissing her late mom’s role is hurtful. Following Ciara showed you respect her feelings. It might help to discuss this calmly with your brother and SIL to find common ground.

No-Shock-7087 says:

I don't think they will ever be able to find common ground. I suspect they won't see much of Ciara or her baby after this.

What do you think?