Wife wonders, 'Why can't I be stronger?' as husband ignores anniversary for secret getaway. AITA? + UPDATE
"I am completely heartbroken"
Soul_Slyr
So my husband just told me he booked a flight to go golfing in a few weeks by his best friends. He never once talked to me about the dates or his plans before he booked. We have been together almost 21 years, married for 15 next weekish. My husband just spent 5 days away over Labor Day while I stayed behind with our 13 year old.
He has never done anything like this before. For context, he is incredibly cheap. We have not gone away for even a night in years, even with the kids. I wanted to get Disney tickets this summer but he said no.
No matter what I spend, he always has an issue with it. Every time I go grocery shopping he almost always complains about how much I spend, even though it is well within the allowance. The last time we went out to eat was November 2023, with the 13 y.o. I’ve asked so many times to go out to dinner or something, but we never do.
Recently in an argument, I brought it up again and he said that he doesn’t like going out to eat so why would he do it? I should consider the time we spend on the weekends cleaning the house and doing yard work as spending time together. I don’t work, and have no friends or family.
I feel this is the final straw. I feel neglected and he says that’s not it. He has an unhealthy relationship with money and is always stressing over it. We don’t struggle and live comfortably but he was laid off years ago and took him 9 months to find work, and since he has been overly crazy about money.
Our oldest is 24 and she says he has caused her so much anxiety about money she is always worried about running out of it. He stresses about spending $5 to rent a movie.
He’s bothered that I want to pay for a movie service that costs $8 a month. Money is such a huge issue in our marriage. He always says we are broke. The kids have been around this and it’s so unhealthy for them to worry about finances.
When our oldest was in Middle and High school she suffered drug resistant depression and had a failed suicide attempt. He counselor even then told him to stop talking about money, but he couldn’t.
We have not had a date night in years. He has attempted a few. My birthday was last month and we were gonna go out, but we ended up shopping and working on a Halloween project together instead, which I was fine with. But the attempts are few and far between.
Our 13 y.o. has had anxiety and depression since Covid. She is incredibly smart but has no drive or ambition and misses too much school and never does homework and lies about her homework, so it’s an absolute nightmare dealing with that stress.
I never get to get away from it. He typically works 60 hours a week, so most of that burden falls on me. The stress caused me to lose 20 pounds last May just trying to be sure she passed 7th grade.
I have voiced and even wrote him a 13 page letter last spring on how I needed more from him. He even said he wouldn’t want his daughters to have a husband like himself in their life and he would have a real problem with it if our oldest was marrying someone that has done some of the things he has done to me.
He is not physically abusive in any way but has said some hurtful things out of spite over the years he knows was wrong. I feel like I need to show my girls a good example and how can I do that staying married to him?
He has continued to ignore most of my needs of quality time and a chance to check out once in awhile. My heart is breaking into a million pieces right now. I just kicked him out and I’m not sure I made the right decision.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
alwaysright12
Get a job and independence.
GrumpyLump91
This. The answer is staring OP in the face. Is not like she has a 3 month old at home. Her kids don't need her to dote over constantly. Go create a separate life, make some friends, and earn some of your own money to spend as you wish.
Soul_Slyr (OP)
It’s not that simple. I unfortunately no longer work due to a disability that affects my voluntary muscles. We moved to a different state 20 years ago. I had friends when I worked but it’s hard to keep friends when you have a debilitating illness and have to cancel plans. No one wants to hear about how bad you feel.
We had many friends on our block but we lost a few to cancer, car accident and stroke. Others moved away. We have a few people in our life now, but not on a personal level if that makes sense. I drive my youngest eat to and from school daily as she goes to a charter school and has no bus transportation.
Frishan5
You kicked him out. That’s good. You’re finally thinking of yourself. You already told him several times and wrote him a 13 page letter but he still did not listen to you. You did the right thing because you do not have a partner right now who is supportive and helping you navigate married life. He is a selfish man and you need to do what’s best for you.
Soul_Slyr (OP)
He doesn’t really expect this from me. I don’t often cook much anymore bc my disability makes it difficult. I try my best to keep up the house but he literally will come home at 7pm and cook dinner for the 3 of us, and on the weekends help with the household stuff.
He is not cheating. He went home over Labor Day for a big party at his best friend’s house. They have been friends for nearly 35 years. I would have gone too but our dog was on deaths door and there was no way she could be left to someone else.
He had so much fun it’s all he has talked about since getting back. He golfed and had so much fun seeing all his friends he just wants that again. I understand that part. But he literally booked a vacation without even considering me or my feelings let alone the responsibility of his child.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
Soul_Slyr
My (45) husband (47) booked a vacation for himself behind my back after we had discussed the trip and decided to book it anyway and told me days after the fact that he booked it.
My husband was need up coming home to help with hurricane prep. He was supposed to only help and stay that night but then as things got more real he stayed as I needed help preparing the house and yard for the storm. Then we talked about evacuating and booked a hotel some 3 hours away, but as the storm shifted south we decided to stay put. He stayed during the storm and after.
We ended up doing a lot of talking. But he would not cancel the trip. I told him he should be begging for my forgiveness but it seemed like it was me that was fighting for this marriage.
He had that trip 2 months ago where he went alone and had no responsibilities and no one to see to and had a lot of fun. He just wanted to feel that again. I told him if he didn’t cancel the trip the marriage was over.
I told him he can’t have his cake and do it too. I would never be able to get away doing something like this. Not would I try. I don’t understand why this trip is so important.
He has been love bombing me and promised he would change and start treating me to vacations and date nights. There had been some issues in the past that I forgave and he feels like I still can’t forgive him for it.
Then I don’t understand why he would add to the problem. It sucks when you love someone so much and they hurt you like this. I don’t want my marriage to be over. But he literally told me he would put me first after his trip.
Why can’t I be a stronger person and know that there is someone out there that will cherish me and love me the way I deserve. My daughter (13) sent him a text explaining her feelings and basically told him he chose this trip over his family.
He left Friday and he comes home today. All of his stuff is packed up and out of the house in his truck. Most he packed himself on Friday before the trip. He did miss his flight trying to convince me I was making a bigger deal out of this than it needed to be.
I texted his brothers, sister in law and the friend he is going to basically saying we are over and the circumstances leading to it. Also explained the history of how he spent so date nights ever and didn’t do anything got our 15 year anniversary that was almost a month ago.
He told me no one took his side, which I told him would be the case. No one in our life would treat their spouse like this. So I’m so torn as to whether I am going to let him stay tonight or not. Heartache sucks.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Live-Okra-9868
He had the money for a solo vacation, he can cough up the money for a hotel. Don't let him stay, he's going to continue to try to love bomb you and confuse you. Cut the cord and let him go. He made his choice. Let him deal with the consequences.
ImpassionateGods001
That man is cheating, and you can't convince me otherwise. Don't let him in.
vixiecat
No wonder their 13 year has issues with her mental health. She has father in the home that wants nothing to do with her or OP. I also suspect OP’s symptoms for her disease that are flaring up will calm down when the stress of the dea dead weight is gone. I hope OP finds the love she longs for cause whatever she’s getting from her husband ain’t it.
CWG4BF
Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah.
How is everyone glossing over the fact that OP wrote A 13-PAGE LETTER to her husband about how she needed more from him.
If you told me that I had to write a paper as long as possible with grievances about my partner, I think it would be like two paragraphs. In 16 years of schooling, I never once wrote a paper that long. I’m not sure I have a topic that I could confidently write 13 pages about without being redundant.
I feel like I’m going crazy as I look back through the post and comments trying to find anyone who mentioned it. I am genuinely baffled. 13 pages?!? That’s got to be the most damning evidence of a collapsed relationship I’ve ever seen.
beachpellini
I am flabbergasted that his eldest attempting to take her own life was not enough of a wake-up call for this man to change. I am just as flabbergasted that that wasn’t enough to get OP to leave him.