'AITA for breaking up with my GF because she ditched me to go to another guy's party?' UPDATE
"AITA for breaking up with my girlfriend because she went to an afterparty without me?"
Ok_Emu4012 writes:
I [24M] and my girlfriend [23F, Anne] began dating in college. Last week, Anne invited me to her co-worker’s (Joe) party. I had heard a lot about him in the past, and he and she really seemed to have a lot in common, especially with their taste in music.
Apparently, he was an amateur musician with a fairly successful YouTube channel. Joe initially invited only Anne, but when she asked him if I could tag along, he said it was fine.
The party was on Saturday evening. It was a fun party with about 30 people, held at a restaurant Joe had rented out. Toward the end, though, I wandered into Anne’s little discussion group, and I immediately got the feeling that nobody really wanted me there, least of all Anne.
It was her, Joe, and a few other people. Thinking that I was just imagining things, I hung around and listened to Joe basically boast about himself the whole time. A little while later, I wandered off to get myself a drink and chat with a few other people.
Eventually, the time to leave came around, and I went to find Anne again. Joe approached me at that point and said that he was having an afterparty at his house. I was going to refuse, but then he said, “Sorry man, but only Anne is invited,” while clapping me on the shoulder. I first told him not to touch me, and then said she’s not going. He informed me that she had already accepted the invitation.
I texted Anne immediately to ask where she was. She responded, “Sorry, on the way to Joe’s place. I’ll see you tomorrow, love you!” I asked if she knew I wasn’t invited, and she then left me on read. Texts after that were all ignored.
I drove home furious. I stayed up all night, and finally, Anne walked in the door at 5:42 a.m. I know because I was by the window watching. I recognized the car as Joe’s and the driver as Joe. Nobody else was in the car. Anne waved to him cutely and laughed at something he said.
Anne came inside and acted surprised to see me still up. At that point, I flatly told her that we were done, and she had the rest of the day to move out. Anne was at first confused with me, and then I told her that she could just move in with Joe.
She rolled her eyes and said nothing happened. She gave me this spiel about my insecurities and imagination. I said it didn’t matter. After this back-and-forth arguing, Anne finally relented and sarcastically thanked me for wasting “the best years of [her] life.”
Anne finally moved out yesterday, and it was pretty dramatic. She said that she loved me and that I was throwing everything away over a party. Did I do her wrong here? I feel like I'm getting gaslighted.
OP responded to one comment to add more context.
lemondeahh says:
NTA. That’s an incredibly suspicious move on her part & the lack of communication, ignoring your texts, LEAVING the party without even saying goodbye at least? She 100% is doing something with Joe. She wouldn’t have left abruptly without you and ignore you the entire night if she wasn’t. She’s trying to play dumb & clearly has no issues disrespecting you. You made the right decision.
OP responded:
I'd say I'm 95% sure something happened with Joe at that afterparty. I have no evidence, but I know my girlfriend. The way she waved him goodbye, the way she laughed when he talked, the way that she was actively listening to him at the party those are mannerisms she used to have with me.
Then there was the thing with Joe's stupid macho power play of putting his hand on my shoulder. It was like he was mocking me because he knew what was going on.
Sousou2307 says:
She left you at a party she invited you to - went to another party without communicating with you and ghosted you when you messaged her ? I am sorry but she doesn’t care or respect you - at least you are no priority and her colleagues seems to be more important.
I would never leave my partner I came with to a party stranded at a party and then gaslight him for being angry … seems your her safety person the one who should wait for her and take care of her and that’s it. NTA.
Con4America says:
NTA. If you love someone, you don't leave them behind and go to an after party with another guy. You did the right thing. I'm sorry. I know it hurts but you will meet someone better.
OP posted an update 12 days later:
About two weeks ago, I came here for moral guidance after breaking up with and kicking my girlfriend out for going to an afterparty with her male co-worker, who explicitly stated that I was not invited.
Just about everyone in the post was convinced that Anne had cheated on me with Joe. The moment she left, I felt as if I had lost interest in her, Joe, and both of their lives forever. But a couple of days later, morbid curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to find his Instagram through Anne's.
I don't know if I was looking for closure or validation for refusing to even discuss the issue with Anne, but I found both. First, a few hours after Joe drove Anne back to my place, he made an Instagram post about potentially doing a cover of "Scotty Doesn't Know" by Lustra. The comments were full of people saying he was "going to hell," with laughing-crying emojis and the shushing emoji.
I recognized some of the commenters as people who had attended the party. At first, I didn't know what it was about, but after looking up the lyrics, it became clear. Here's the first line of the song: Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday.
So yeah. Class act, he is. Catchy song, though. But it gets better. I know this wasn’t healthy, but I kind of kept up with Anne and Joe's social media. They went full mask-off. A few days later, Joe posted a picture of Anne sitting on his lap.
I could tell that based on the sofa he was sitting on, this wasn’t even taken at the afterparty, but at the party I went to. I must have been talking to someone else or in the bathroom when it was taken.
I will say that I was severely depressed and, on a certain level, probably still am. It wasn’t even really about Anne, but about the fact that literally nobody from the party was willing to give me a heads up. Anne and I were publicly dating. We showed up together. People knew I was her boyfriend. But I guess when my back was turned, they were laughing at me.
The only thing that doesn’t make sense to me at this point is why she even wanted to keep me around as a partner. When I kicked her out, she was legitimately upset. Was this a pride issue where she wanted to be the one to dump me?
Was it the thrill of screwing around with her co-worker behind my back? Or was this some logic that only the human equivalent of a dumpster could understand? I may never know. It doesn’t matter anymore.
Here are the top rated comments to OP's update.
North_Sand1863 says:
If that d%#k comes at you to make fun of you, brag or for whatever reason. Just tell him congratulations on winning your perceived competition. Enjoy your prize of a cheating woman, and enjoy your leftovers, as crumbs are the only thing he'll ever be able to get.
While it's an a%#$ole thing to say, this is in fact the reality of the situation, and it'll drag both him and your ex back down to Earth, and show that their actions has no effect on you. He's getting off on making you a c%@k, as hinted by the song he wishes to cover. I won't be surprised if he switches Scotty's name with yours or dedicates it to you. Doing this will take away his perceived power over you.
angga7 says:
I'd bet $20 bucks that in the near future, the relationship between Joe and Anne will crash and burn; either Joe gets bored and dump her, or the other way round.
Jokester_316 says:
Her reaction was out of self-interest. With you kicking her out, she had to find someone else to live with. Joe won't want anything more than no strings attached. Remember, those were her friends and coworkers. Not yours. It shows who she is by the company she keeps. I'm proud of you. You were quick not to accept her disrespect or gaslighting you. Onward and upward.