'AITA for calling out my husband's boss' wife for stealing from my daughter?'
"AITA for calling my husband's new boss's wife out for her lies?"
TorrieDenali says:
Last night, we attended my husband’s first Christmas party with his new employer. He’s been in the same field for decades, so I was familiar with a few attendees. I had never met his boss or his boss’s wife, Andrea, and I knew very little about her.
Side story: My daughter, Willow, is a great cook. She has worked at the same bank for seven years, so they have gotten to know her food and often make special requests. This year, they requested her bruschetta and crostini. A couple of coworkers asked her to make a larger batch since it had all disappeared at last year’s Christmas potluck.
The following day, she took it to work. However, half an hour before the party, she called me crying because someone had taken it from their fridge. She wasn’t crying because the food was gone; she was crying because she served it in a dish hand-painted by her sister. It was a trumpeter swan dish that I loved very much. I consoled her and suggested it might turn up eventually. Inside, I was crushed.
Back to our party: I’m enjoying my second glass of merlot and getting to know a few people when I decide it’s best to get something to eat so I don’t get buzzed. Everyone is raving about the boss’s dish: bruschetta and crostini.
Apparently, she can’t cook and usually buys something, so this is a surprise to them. I am curious to see if it’s better than Willow’s recipe, so I walk over to grab some—from my own trumpeter swan dish.
I walked over to the dish and turned to a friend of mine, Julie, pointing out the dish and sharing its origin. She suggested there might be more than one, and I shook my head: "It’s handmade. Look at the bottom."
By this time, Andrea had walked over to us. I turned to her, "Do you work at U.S. Bank?" She nodded. "I don’t recognize you. Are you a customer?" "No, I’m Willow’s mother. You broke her heart today." I pointed to the dish. Her face flooded with color. Andrea defended herself, "There are tons of those dishes out there!" Julie said, "Andrea, this is hand-painted."
She lifted it over her head. By now, there were four other women around us. "Jade Denali 2009." Andrea opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She burst into tears and left the room. Her husband followed her shortly thereafter, effectively ending the party.
At home, my husband yelled at me for confronting her in front of everyone. He thinks I should have discreetly confronted her and asked for my dish back rather than doing it in public. I yelled back that she had no consideration for how she made Willow feel when the dish disappeared, so I returned the favor.
He yelled that I might have compromised his job. I yelled back that his boss married a cheap-assed thief, and if he didn’t know it before, he does now. If the boss sides with his wife and makes my husband pay, it’s not a job worth keeping.
This morning, his boss isn’t at work. He took vacation until the new year. And I am not looking forward to tonight. Was I the A**hole? UPDATE: 10:38 a.m. Husband just called and told me that his boss and Andrea would like to meet tonight. I am seriously sick to my stomach right now!
Here are the top rated comments from readers.
Liu1845 says:
Where is your husband's outrage on his daughter's behalf? NTA.
OP responded:
In his defense, Jade gave the dish to me, not him. He didn't hear Willow crying about the loss.
davekayaus says:
NTA. Well done confronting the thief. The next time you talk to your husband ask him whether he puts his daughter before the woman who stole from her or not.
OP responded:
He IS a great dad. He didn't blame Willow. He blamed me for HOW I confronted her, not THAT I confronted her. We had a text conversation this morning, to wit: Hubby: "I talked to Willow, and she feels better now that the dish is back home and says she'll never use it again for anything outside the house."
Me: "Good to know. I've never been a fan of not using dishes, though, because that just makes them paperweights." Hubby: "It's a paperweight that Jade made just for you. I get why you're upset. I just wish you had taken it to a back room or something." Me: "There were only three rooms there, mens biffy, gals biffy, and party room. Where would I go?" Hubby: "Good point."
YTA Do you have any impulse control? So, you were right about the dish. Still, this is your husband’s boss and there being other people around will enhance any emotions, so just immediately starting a confrontation in front of everyone is likely to have some effect on his job.
The woman deserved to be confronted for stealing , but you needlessly escalated the situation to now involve more serious issues. Your stubbornness in thinking that your husband has no right to be upset that YOUR self centeredness impacted HIS employment is just you doubling down on being an A.
TorrieDenali OP responded:
When I confronted Andrea about it, there was only the three of us: Julie, me and Andrea. Julie drew a bit of attention when she lifted the dish over her head, so Andrea's posse came over.
When Julie spoke with them afterward, Andrea had told them she had whipped the dish up that afternoon. One of the girls knows a good bruschetta needs overnight marinating and understood Andrea was already telling a tale. She actually had mentioned Andrea was full of balogna.
And there were over 100 people at the party. Only 6 heard about the issue. When we spoke about the dish, it was not loudly, nor did it include wild gesturing. The vast majority of the party didn't even know why Andrea and Jake left. But I do feel in part that I was the jerk. I could have just taken the dish home and said nothing.
YTA. SOMEONE took it from work. We have no idea who. You publicly accused the host of the theft. You've never met the boss nor wife before, have they ever met Willow? You? Are you accusing them of making a stranger cry? You gotta have more tact than this.
TorrieDenali OP responded:
My daughter's workplace employs 9 people, one of them named Andy. My daughter has never said anything negative about Andy. Andrea stated she works at US Bank at that same location in the same department. My daughter's dish disappeared prior to her party. As it turns out, Andy was the one who requested my daughter make a double batch this year.
Andy had left work to "buy her dish" for their potluck meal shortly before Willow's dish disappeared. She showed up with cheese and crackers an hour later. The grocery store is right next to US Bank. It should have only taken her about 15 minutes to buy them and return to work.
I know everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but Andrea claimed there were "tons of those dishes out there" like my trumpeter swan dish. She knew that was a bald faced lie. I'm not disputing your opinion that I was wrong, because I might actually agree with you, but I'm not dumb.
YTA. Your husband is right, you should have been discreet about it.
TorrieDenali OP responded:
In a room of 100 people, there was just Julie, Andrea and me initially. Yes, four more gathered afterward, but the rest of the attendees had no idea. It was not a loud altercation. We all spoke in normal voices. The only thing that drew attention to the issue was Andrea's crying and leaving.
If the only thing she had done was take the contents of the dish, I would have been fine. But my daughter, Jade, hand painted this dish and fired it. After she won first place in the art contest, she gifted it to me for M
NTA ur not favoring them at all. U got them both amazing gifts and there’s no way to make things exactly equal. Why are they even asking how much you spent?? So weird on their part
TorrieDenali OP responded:
I'm in the same boat: 9 grandkids. I have steps, halfs, and wholes, but they're all my grandbabies...even the adults. I always spend the same on every kid: $75 for birthdays, $100 for Christmas. All year long, I look for gifts to give.
Sometimes, I am extremely fortunate and find something on an amazing deal. Other times, the grands' lists include something extremely popular that is either expensive or hard to find. I try to buy the same number of gifts...2...as well, so nobody has to open fewer gifts than anyone else.
Cue three years ago: Eldest grand, Sam (16F then), wants a fish tank and fish. I already have an old fish tank that's like new that I bought at a garage sale for $1, so I buy the contents: rocks, decorations, filters, etc.
In addition, I give her a gift certificate so she can pick out her own fish when her tank is set up. I wrap up the contents in one box and the gift certificate in a smaller box but didn't bother put the aquarium under the tree. It was used, after all. Total cost: $99.41 (I keep a spreadsheet).
Second oldest daughter (33) notices that the aquarium is included in Sam's pile to take home that night and confronts me about it. She said her son, Jimmy (8 then), also wanted fish stuff, so it wasn't "fair" that I gave the aquarium outside the Christmas gift package.
For the record, Jimmy did not ask for fish stuff and had zero interest until Sam opened her gift and he saw her excitement. Then, Jimmy had what I call "wisher's remorse", in which he realized his requested gift wasn't that great after all. It was a video game with a headset. The video game was $65, and the headset was $35.
He complained to his mother that Sam's gift was bigger than his in size, so she actually comforted poor Jimmy because his number one gift wish he asked for something that could fit in my purse. ??
Middle daughter (28) chimed in that Jimmy was mad the preceding year because he got the the same gift two years in a row from her: legos. He asks for legos every year.
She wasn't with us the preceding Christmas and didn't know what he got from youngest daughter (24). That year, because of his angst the preceding year, she just gave him a gift card. In truth, the pile of presents in front of Jimmy was significantly smaller than Sam's.
Jimmy's mom now feels that nobody loves poor Jimmy (now 11) as much as we do the rest. She states that she doesn't want to come this year, which would be our Christmas together (divorces/inlaws) because he'll feel bad.
I suggested to my hubby that we just send gifts over to them, and he said if what we got him in the past wasn't good enough, what's the point? Fairness. But fairness is relative and subjective. Insert eye roll here.
OP's husband is a great father, he blames the victim, his daughter./s
TorrieDenali OP responded:
He IS a great dad. He didn't blame Willow. He blamed me for HOW I confronted her, not THAT I confronted her.
We had a text conversation this morning, to wit: Hubby: "I talked to Willow, and she feels better now that the dish is back home and says she'll never use it again for anything outside the house." Me: "Good to know. I've never been a fan of not using dishes, though, because that just makes them paperweights."
Hubby: "It's a paperweight that Jade made just for you. I get why you're upset. I just wish you had taken it to a back room or something." Me: "There were only three rooms there, mens biffy, gals biffy, and party room. Where would I go?" Hubby: "Good point."
Nta. But you could have done it in a more sly way which wouldn’t have allowed her to cause a scene focused on you. Not for her sake, but for yours. Like corner her at some point later in the party and say, “I expect my daughter’s hand painted swan dish to be exactly where she left it in the morning.”
And walked away. That would have been an epic slow burn. Let me clarify that I don’t care about protecting her feelings or your husband’s. They are the as here. But there is nothing like a calm steady slow burn. You are 💯 nta in any way.
TorrieDenali OP responded:
Hindsight. Your statement was the better way to respond. I wish I had thought of it then. My confrontation was simply telling her she broke Willow's heart by taking that dish. Julie was the one who called her out on her lie, and by that time, there were four others with us. Oh, well.
AIso, just got a call from my husband that his boss and Andrea want to meet us tonight! Willow is supposed to be there, too! I think we might get an apology???!!??