'I cheated on my wife and now she’s cheating on me.' UPDATED 5X

"I cheated on my wife and now she’s cheating on me."

So ya I know I messed up. I (32M) cheated on my wife (29F) 3 years ago. We have been married for five years and the second year of our marriage I cheated on her in a drunken fling. She forgave me and we went to marriage counseling, but three days ago while my wife was in the shower I went through her phone and found the texts confirming she was cheating.

I felt so betrayed so I confronted her after she got out of the shower. She claims that it’s ok because I cheated on her and I set the precedent for allowing infidelity. I told her that my cheating was a one time drunken thing and that I haven’t done anything since. I also told her that I don’t know the girl and that she now has a relationship with this guy idk. She got mad and stormed off.

She left for work Friday and I haven’t seen her since. I know she’s with him and it hurts. I feel I deserve this but at the same time I want my wife back. What do I do?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

rebtalor wrote:

She didn't forgive you. She just stopped talking about it.

Imasupernatural wrote:

This...when my first husband cheated, I said I forgave him just to move on. As it stewed even more, I would go through intermittent feelings of anger, rage and hurt. Eventually I just went numb. I didn't care. He went back to her and I said have fun because I plan on having a great time while you stay there.

leelam808 wrote:

This reminds me of when people state women initiate divorces out of nowhere. There will always be a reason.

JarvanIVPrez wrote:

You cheated on her…this isn't an excuse for her doing it now, but the relationship was over the second you did it first. Her cheating now could be a result of any number of things from her spiraling after your deed. Revenge, resentment, downright not being able to find you attractive anymore, you name it. Could be any of them, could be all of them, but one thing’s for sure: you had it coming.

Now do the mature thing for once and end the relationship so you both can move on. But judging from your comments about being drunk and all that, it sounds like you haven't actually learned anything from when YOU did it, so I’d recommend solo therapy for a while before you hit the dating pool again. And please, for the love of god, actually reflect.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Okay wow so a small portion of you were kind and understanding and actually gave good advice, but the rest of you are so rude! So I finally managed to get ahold of her she basically told me it’s over and that she no longer loves me. I managed to track her location and find out who the person she’s cheating on me with and Dave if you read this f#$k you! I honestly can’t wait to get divorced now.

The responses kept coming in.

Both-Injury2667 wrote:

The relationship was over the minute you cheated.

OP responded:

But why would she stay? Why would she forgive me only to do this?

Effective_Shallot948 wrote:

I’ve done nothing but love her. Yeah, like when you cheated on her

OP responded:

She forgave me. I really feel bad but also at the same time it wasn’t really my fault it was the alcohol. She has no excuse.

bigoldbeardy wrote:

If she loved you she wouldn't of left you, you get she's gone right? Like not coming back and also your friends or alcohol do not control your actions the only person who does that it you so if you want further relationships to work out and not lose another wife later in life learn one thing, how to take personal responsibility for your own actions.

You cheated and now she cheated but the big difference is she has a million options with the rest of her dating life and you don't so maybe act like a f**king grownup about it and stop acting like you're the victim in all of this

OP responded:

I get that I have some blame but after I cheated I’ve been the best husband. I quit drinking for her, I don’t go to parties for her, I don’t deserve this though.

A week later, OP shared another update.

My (32M) wife (29F)hasn’t come home since the day I confronted her so I went to her HR team today with proof that she was cheating with Dave. According to some close friends who work with her when HR pulled her aside after I left. She came out crying and when Dave tried to talk to her she pushed him aside and left for the day. This brings me so much joy.

I have to have respect for myself because that guy who cheated three years ago doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve quit drinking got into great shape and haven’t felt better. Obviously the last week has been tough but knowing hers is about to get so much worse brings a smile to my face.

Also she’s going to be getting served some time this week. I wish I could be there to see her face. Also it’s a bonus if Dave and her break it off.

The internet did not hold back.

creamiery wrote:

Was it really necessary to get her work involved and talk to HR when it is a personal issue outside of work? I feel like you posted this to make yourself feel better just like how you “told on her” to make yourself feel powerful.

I’m glad you have respect for yourself now but unfortunately you have no one to blame for this situation except yourself. Getting “revenge” on her doesn’t change anything. Hopefully you don’t cheat on your next partner.

OP responded:

Well the “revenge” worked because I got her transferred to a new building. She’s working the same job but in a new place without Dave. Also ya I’m blaming her if she didn’t love me why forgive me? If she didn’t want to stay why stay? She deserves all of what’s coming to her.

marv115 wrote:

Yes, in three years you have grown into an even bigger AH, after all if you are not happy no one will be, that's why you cheated, that's why you never saw the sings of her pulling away and that's why you will try to destroyed her for doing what you did to her. So yeah you are an "incredible" and "nice" guy.

ILikeYourMomandSis wrote:

Yeah. I am shocked he thinks he is the nice guy when he was the one who cheated. He thinks pouring thousands of dollars will undo what he did. I hope his wife and Dave live a happy life.

OP responded:

Until this divorce is over their “life” will be hell.

Jb_Rose_213 wrote:

So you cheated on your wife, and now you're upset that she did what you did, only harsher? Or better? Idk, either way, this is your karma. Next time: DON'T. CHEAT. Cuz the next chick is gonna do you even dirtier than what your wife did. This should be a lesson, but I don't think you're getting it.

OP wrote:

I’m not an AH she is. If she didn’t want me LEAVE! If she couldn’t forgive me don’t tell me you did and reassure me that you still love me. She wasted my time and money. So ya her life is gonna be hell until our divorce is done. The proof I have my lawyer thinks will be enough to get half of her money.

ZestycloseSky8765 wrote:

Proof of what? Her infidelity? And? You cheated first. Her lawyer will simply say you set the precedent and she didn’t trust you and she was emotionally abused. And also her lawyer will be explaining how you are the one responsible for getting her fired. How your actions afterwards were vindictive and cruel even when hers was not after you did the same thing.

Honestly it amazing how you are pretending to be a victim. Nobody feels sorry for you. She just needs to get herself a good lawyer and you aren’t getting anything extra. And hate to break it to you, lawyers will tell you some BS. My brothers did. You are going to be paying him some money for the bs he will feed you. I hope she takes screenshots of all your crap and this post.

OP responded:

She has no proof of my cheating. I have plenty for her oh also who’s she gonna ask? She’s not fired just transferred. I’m not paying anything to her she’s gonna be paying me though. Oh also she doesn’t know about this post and if she did she couldn’t use it as proof because there’s millions of Dave’s. She has nothing.

You’re damn right I’m vindictive after what she pulled. I cheated once with a girl I can’t remember. She’s having a full on affair. I’m the one pulling the strings and until we’re divorced it’ll remain that way.

ILikeYourMomAndSis wrote:

I wish your wife wins the divorce and she and Dave live a happy life while you stay in your misery. Seriously dude, You are the one who cheated on her. You probably have narcissistic personality disorder because you didn't feel guilty while cheating on her. But now she is giving you the taste of your own medicine. You can't handle that lol. You broke her first. Now she is breaking you.

There is a difference between you cheating and her cheating. You cheated on an innocent person. She cheated on a cheater. Now you want revenge. I hope it fails for you and she gets half of what you own. I am rooting for your wife. You are not a better person you were 3 years ago. You are now much worse. I usually do not take a cheater's side. But I am taking her side because she is a victim.

OP responded:

She got transferred so it’s already working. That and she’s gonna be getting served soon if not already. She deserves nothing I deserve half of what she has. I paid for absolutely everything to make up for it. She wasted my time and money and she falsely forgave me. So ya she doesn’t deserve a cent from me.

Roughly a month later, OP shared another update.

So those who saw my last post know what’s up and you can read it if you don’t but since the last update my soon to be ex wife lost her job, lost her boy toy, and lost a lot of friends. She showed up yesterday asking to talk to which I laughed in her face and shut the door. I know a lot of you think me a monster and a terrible guy but idc what you think. Her world is collapsing and all I can do is laugh.

She’s earned and deserves all of it. I know I cheated three years ago but she forgave me and I had to learn to love myself again. She had a full blown affair for months on end and she flat out told me she doesn’t love me. I was willing to forgive at first but now after everything no I can’t forgive her. I have too much respect for myself.

The internet still wasn't on OP's side.

[deleted] wrote:

You cheated on your wife and got caught, the next time you will be better at hiding the affair. She cheated on you and you were going to forgive her? Bulls**t, you are keeping score and you think that you have the moral high ground even though you are also a cheater. She should have dumped when you cheated, nobody ever forgets being cheated on so you both delayed the inevitable.

I am not saying you can’t be a better person but thinking you are now a better person because a few years have passed? My unsolicited advice to you is spend some time single and focus on being a better person. Instead of satisfying yourself find ways to make other peoples lives better, help people. And no, you sleeping with anyone will not make their life better.

OP responded:

Lol dude I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since I cheated three years ago. Since then I’ve been a completely different person.

Sinsemilla_Street wrote:

I know I cheated 3 years ago but she forgave me and I had to learn to love myself again. Lol. You cheated and you were the victim who had to learn to love yourself again? Okay. I have too much respect for myself. People who respect themselves don't take joy in seeing the people they loves world collapse or laugh about it. Only hateful people with no respect or regard for other peoples feelings do that.

OP responded:

Lol I have very much improved. Why would she lose friends if she was sooo good? Why would she cheat when her job they doesn’t allow it especially with someone in the office? Why is she losing family support? Why’d she lose Dave?

I cheated yes but she forgave me and I’ve done a complete 180 from the day I cheated and how does she repay me for the years of change and love and support and the tens of thousands of dollars I spent on her? She has an affair that’s lasted months. I cheated once and already paid for it now it’s her turn.

Another month later, OP shared yet another update.

Soooo…I f**#ed up I just got a call from my lawyer and my wife found my post posts with help from who I thought was a friend. My ex friend recorded me while I was telling him about the posts. My lawyer told me she’s wanting half of everything. I don’t understand how or why my friend did this but here we are.

I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back twice. First from my wife and now him. I don’t know what will happen but now I feel less confident about my divorce. I still feel like I can win though and my lawyer said we still stand a really good chance

Edit: I called my friend and asked him why he recorded me and he told me that he respects women and was upset at how I was treating my wife. He told me until I go to therapy again and get some help he doesn’t want to be friends with me because I’m not the same person he became friends with. I don’t know what to think anymore.

The internet had a lot to say in response to this update.

Perfect_Breakfast_73 wrote:

How much her getting half of everything would screw you over? Percentage wise, how much of it should morally be yours?

OP responded:

Like all of my stuff and I should get like 30% of hers.

OrganicMartini wrote:

Wait...how did she stab you in the back, if you cheated first? Am I missing something?

OP responded:

I cheated once years ago and confessed immediately. She was having an affair for months.

Strong-Bottle-4161 wrote:

Bro imagine sucking so bad, that your "Friend" would rather help your cheating wife, over you. Did he know that you cheated prior?

OP responded:

Ya he did he’s been a really good friend for years. I don’t understand what happened and why he betrayed me like this.

Pohtaytos wrote:

To f**@ around is human, to find out is divine ✨

I have zero sympathy for you, but your situation did make me laugh. So, thank you for that.

veloxaraptor wrote:

You feel betrayed??

HA. Maybe think about that the next time you have a "one time drunken fling." I hope she sees this post too and takes everything she can just for your comments here alone.

OP responded:

Wow I messed up once but it’s ok for her to mess up hundreds of times and lie behind my back?

Material_Cellist4133 wrote:

Not gonna lie - you kinda deserve it.

I mean your post history and seeing how sh**ty you are as a person, I’m not surprised your friend chose to help your ex-wife.

OP responded:

How am I the sh**ty person? I made one mistake and she’s made hundreds. I’m a good person so why is this happening?

Five months later, OP shared yet another update.

So the last few months have not gone well for me. Ever since my friend betrayed me everything has gone downhill. I basically owe my wife half of everything. Because I got my wife fired and because I posted everything online the judge ruled that I had essentially ruined her reputation so she got the house because it’s paid off and she has nowhere else to live.

My lawyer tried to get the judge to rule for us to sell the house but the judge wouldn’t budge. My lawyer says that I should try to sue my friend for defamation because my wife now has my posts and has been sending my posts to all my friends and family and basically everyone has distanced themselves from me. I don’t know if I’d win that lawsuit because they have proof that I did post it.

I don’t know what to do from here but I think have a lot of self reflecting to do. Oh also a lot of you were right that my friend has started to hook up with my ex-wife so there’s that. I’ll let you guys know if I want to go through with suing my friend but as of right now that’s all I got to update you guys with.

The internet had a lot of words.

WielderOfAphorisms wrote:

As my mother says, “You did this to yourself.” Do better in the future.

OP responded:

I don’t feel like I did this to myself though. I feel like I was the one that was wronged. I know I now though that I need to work more on myself but I don’t know how because I thought I already did.

Poptartcat99 wrote:

Remember when you laughed in her face and slammed the door when she asked to talk? Bet you’re regretting that now aren’t ya?

OP responded:

I regret cheating the first time. There was no love in it and I don’t even remember who she was. I regret not divorcing sooner. I regret showing my friend my posts. I also regret going to therapy with her like what a waste of time and money.

chewedgummiebears wrote:

The professional victim game is strong with this one.

OP responded:

Why does everyone see my wife as the victim? Explain to me why it’s ok for her to waste my time, money, and love on her and is still ok for her to have an affair. I know I cheated but she forgave. I’m honestly trying to understand why it gives her the right to screw me over.

amw38961 wrote:

It's not defamation if it's true and he has you on a recording. Just move on.....you cheated so she cheated and then you admitted, out loud on a recording that you purposely got her fired. b/c you were being petty. I would've told on your **s too. I get that you're hurt, but damn.

You ruined her career and then bragged about it....these are the repercussions of those actions. What did you really think would happen?

EDIT: Also why would you expect her to "get over it" when you clearly haven't gotten over it lol?