Mom insists on giving newborn her last name; ‘if you're not married, you use the mom's name.’ AITA?

"AITA for Giving my Baby My Last Name Instead of Her Dad’s?"

I (20f) had a baby girl with my ex-boyfriend (23m). I had already decided to give my baby my last name before we broke up; it was never a question for me. Not for any specific reason, I was just raised with the belief that if you're not married, the baby gets the mom's last name. So, I hadn't even considered giving her his last name.

I mentioned her having my last name while we were together, and he and his siblings became very angry about it—violently angry, in fact. He explained to me that he was raised with the belief that the baby always gets the dad's last name unless the dad is a deadbeat. I told him I would think about it. We broke up halfway through my pregnancy, tried again, and broke up once more.

He never attended a single appointment with me, even when we were together. He didn't inquire about how the pregnancy was going, nor did he assist me in any way. No foot massages, no comfort, no help with food.

Ironically, his dad was the one who was sweet and cooked for me. If anything, he made me feel horrible about myself—making fun of my stretch marks and dismissing my morning sickness as not real, accusing me of being bulimic.

When it came time to give birth, he was at the hospital but spent most of the time sleeping. He didn't change a single diaper and barely held her. When I put her in her crib so I could shower for the first time, he told me I was a bad mother for leaving her alone. I said, "you were here," but he didn't even pick her up. I wrote my last name on her birth certificate, and he was livid.

He called me a b$#ch and an a%$hole for not giving her a proper name. His brother even threatened to sue me. Now, I'm even more glad I gave her my last name. Some friends have questioned why I didn't give her his last name, wondering if I was trying to make him mad. I wasn't, but I guess I'd like to know if I am truly the a&%hole here.

Here are the top comments:

liibbss says:

NTA (Not the A%^hole), he can be upset all he wants but you can tell him that by his own rules, your baby gets your last name. He hasn’t done sh$t for his child in the womb or out. Don’t let them try to bully you into changing it either. I am a child that has her deadbeat dad’s last name and I wish so much that I had my mother’s.

firstbornalien says:

NTA at all. My son has my last name and I haven’t regretted it in 12 years. Originally it was going to be his fathers last name, but his father wouldn’t even show up to sign the birth certificate despite declaring he was the best dad ever and I was horrible from the get go. So I put my name down and sent it off.

He tried to bribe me to change it over the years (saying he’ll actually pay child support if I change his surname) but I never agreed. His father took off a few years ago anyway when he got married and had another baby and that just cemented to me that it was the best thing to do.

Fancy_Box_3916 says:

To quote him “ unless he’s a deadbeat”, well he sounds like a deadbeat so OP made the correct choice by both her and the sperm donor.

maybemaihem says:

NTA. It’s a nonsensical patriarchal rule. You’re the one doing all the work. Name her whatever you’d like.

What do you think? Should OP have given her daughter her father's last name?