'AITA for not telling my BF that my son was adopted? I don't see the point!'
"AITA? I didn’t tell my boyfriend my son was adopted"
Tricky-Whereas-8585 writes:
I (34F) have a 10-year-old son, whom we’ll call Arthur. I adopted him when he was 2, as his godparent, after his mother passed away, and his father was never in the picture. Arthur has always had trouble making friends, but he made a great one this past year—a 10-year-old boy in his grade, whom we’ll call Elliot. I didn’t plan on it, but Elliot’s father (38M), whom we’ll call Edward, and I became very close.
We come from very different backgrounds: Edward grew up in a stable, high-income home, mostly raising Elliot in Europe until about a year and a half ago when they moved to our area. I grew up in a poor family and was raised by my uncle after my mother died.
I had a rough childhood and was involved in crime when I was younger, but I’ve been on the straight and narrow for Arthur’s sake. I didn’t want my relationship with Edward to affect Arthur and Elliot’s friendship, but after agreeing that the boys would always come first, we began loosely dating about a year ago.
A few weeks ago, Arthur got really sick while Edward was watching him. I was an hour away fixing something at a friend’s house, and Edward took Arthur to the ER when things got worse. His appendix had burst. When I got there, Arthur was in surgery, and he went into anaphylactic shock due to the anesthetic.
The doctors started asking about family medical history, and I couldn’t provide any information since I’m not biologically related to Arthur. I never knew his mother’s family. Edward tried to help, but I was panicked and lashed out, saying that Arthur wasn’t my biological son.
Edward walked away to give me space. Arthur’s fine now, but he had some complications and spent a few weeks in the hospital. Since then, Edward and I have barely spoken because of an argument that followed.
Edward was upset that I hadn’t told him Arthur was adopted. I can understand why, but it never came up, and I didn’t see the point in mentioning it. I wasn’t hiding it, but I didn’t have concrete plans to tell him, either.
The situation escalated, and we both said hurtful things. I brought up Elliot’s mother, whom I knew nothing about. I didn’t really care about her, but I made it seem like I did. From what I knew, Edward had raised Elliot on his own.
I feel like our situations are similar, but Edward insists they’re different. He says it’s relevant that Arthur isn’t biologically mine, but I don’t think it changes anything. I didn’t want Arthur to know he was adopted before he could fully understand.
We’ve never had an argument like this before. The only time we had a similar conversation was when I told him about my past. I felt like that was relevant because it directly involved me. He was understanding then, and there wasn’t nearly as much conflict.
Now I’m unsure if not telling him about Arthur was the right decision. He’s a kind man, but this caught me off guard, and we both said things we regret. AITA for not telling my boyfriend my son is adopted?
OP responded to some comments from readers of the post.
FormerRunnerAgain says:
My understanding is you tell children about "their beginnings" immediately, in age appropriate ways. You continue to add more information as the child ages and can process the information. This way it is always just part of their story and not some big reveal.
This is true for adoptions, donor conceived or any other "beginning." There are great books on families that you can use to start the conversation with really young children.
OP responded:
After reading through all these comments, I really do need to figure out how to sit him down and speak with him about this. Originally I thought waiting would be the best option, because I didn't want him to see himself as any different from anyone else, but I think that may have now had the opposite effect.
I was never going to keep it a secret from him forever, I was just waiting for what I deemed to be the proper age. But seeing the experiences of parents who have adopted, and kids who've been adopted, I realize that having a view like this hurts Arthur more than it helps him. It's been weeks since he came out of the hospital, I'll find resources to help me figure out how to handle this properly.
Having-hope3594 says:
INFO How did you become his godmother? If you didn’t know his mother or her family?
OP responded:
Sorry, I may have typed it awkwardly. I knew his mother. Neither of us really spoke to our families, her especially. So when Archie was born she asked me to be his god parent. His father was a one night stand of some kind. I knew his mother, but never met his family.