'AITA for telling my dad I don't want nothing to do with his new family?' UPDATE

"AITA for telling my dad I want nothing to do with his fiancee and her family"

userMJCM writes:

I (22 F) will graduate from college in 2 weeks. Three days ago, I received news from the coordinator of my faculty that I'll be giving a speech during the ceremony due to my good grades (I'm Summa Cum Laude, which is awarded to candidates whose grade point average is 3.900 or higher).

I told my family, and everyone was over the moon congratulating me, but I told everyone I didn't want to attend and I would say no to the speech. For a little bit of context, my mom passed away when I was 13, and the idea of her not being present at something so important to me is heart-wrenching.

I expressed this to my family, and after so much convincing from my aunt and grandma, I decided to attend and informed the coordinator that I'd do the speech. I specifically told my dad that I just wanted my two brothers, my aunt, my grandma, and him to attend the ceremony—no one else. I told him how I just wanted my close relatives with me that day, as they were the only ones I considered my family. He agreed to this.

The problem began yesterday, while I was looking for dresses on the internet, when my dad informed me that he had invited his fiancée and stepdaughters to my graduation ceremony. I immediately stopped what I was doing, looked at him, confused, and asked why he did that. He just answered by saying that his fiancée wanted to be included as part of the family as much as possible.

I didn't know what to say, so I just remained silent. I was mad after that because all I wanted was to celebrate that day with my loved ones. I wanted to tell my dad right away that I didn't want them at my graduation, but I was looking for the best way to tell him without hurting anyone's feelings.

I know how horrible it would be for his fiancée to be told she would not be attending my graduation because my dad didn't have the decency to ask me before he invited her. To clarify, I have nothing against her. She is a good woman who respects me and my brothers, and for that, I'm grateful. The thing is, I don't want to establish any type of relationship with her or her daughters, and I was very clear with my dad from day one.

I'm a very private person, and it takes a lot for me to open up to people. My dad knows this, but he always tries to force me to hang out with his stepdaughters and fiancée. One day, I had a serious conversation with him, in which I was completely honest by telling him he deserved to be happy with someone after my mom passed, and I was genuinely happy for him.

But he could not force me to have a relationship with someone I don't want to, which he agreed to—or at least, that's what I thought. I talked with my aunt about the situation, and she told me that I have the right to invite whoever I want since it is my day and that I should talk to my dad and not feel guilty at all.

I decided to take her advice and talk to my dad this morning. I told him that I had specifically mentioned that I just wanted him, my brothers, my aunt, and my grandma there—no one else—and that he should've asked me before telling his fiancée anything.

He was mad at me and said that I should be more understanding of his fiancée's feelings, since I never go out with her or her daughters and she sometimes feels like I hate her. He also said that she was excited to attend, and when he mentioned it, he couldn't tell her no. Then he said that it was just a simple graduation ceremony and I shouldn't make a big deal about it.

Not gonna lie, that hurt me since he, more than anyone, knows how hard it was for me to even enter college. He knows how I worked and studied for 4 years so he could pay for my brothers' and his stepdaughters' education, and how devastated I am about not having my mom with me for this special moment.

I answered by telling him that I didn't hate his fiancée or her daughters, I just wanted to celebrate with my family, but since it was just a simple ceremony, he could simply not go. He then said that I was exaggerating and that indeed only family was going to attend.

I corrected him by saying that we don't have the same definition of family because I don't consider his fiancée and stepdaughters my family. He looked at me angrily and said that whether I liked it or not, they were my family, and I should accept it.

I'm so confused right now. I'm not sure if I'm wrong here. I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of something that is not that deep or if my reaction was exaggerated and I should apologize to my dad. I'll accept any advice you can give me, and I'll appreciate it.

Here are the top comments from readers:

Ginger_gemmy says:

NTA. It's your graduation, and you have every right to decide who attends. It's hurtful that your dad dismissed your feelings and prioritized his fiancée's desire to be included over your explicit wishes.

Stunning_Cupcake_269 says:

He will do the same for your wedding.

Fun-Bat-7209 says:

You had to work but he paid for stepdaughters' education. His first duty is towards you and your brother's. Their mother should have paid her daughter's education. They could both have atleast paid jointly for all you kids education and then we can talk about being family.

The expectation to be considered family while leexhing another family's funds is moronic at best. Please don't tell me she doesn't work that's a whole of another mess. NTA.

Bitter-Animator2514 says:

It’s a huge deal but your father has shown you how it’s going to go from now on. He’d rather not upset her then accept what you want and needed I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. Hope your speech is amazing.

OP provided an update a few hours later.

I've read everything you said, and I want to thank you for your answers. Before anything else, I want to clarify that I have already dealt with the loss of my mother and know that she's gone. I also want to say that I respect my dad's decision to move on because he has every right to do so. For me, the real issue here is that he doesn't respect my boundaries.

As I mentioned before, I respect her as what she is—my dad's future wife—but I never developed a relationship with her or her kids, so they are basically strangers to me. I'll explain things I didn’t mention before so you can better understand the situation.

For those wondering how graduation works in my country, I’ll explain. There’s no limit to how many people you can invite, but you do have to confirm a week before how many people you’re going to bring. I studied education, and to graduate, you have to do what we call social service for almost a year, which I completed last year.

My dad met his fiancée five years ago, but we didn’t know about her until two years ago. He introduced her to my brothers while I was doing my social service, so I didn’t have the opportunity to get to know her better over the past year and only met her a few times. I also want to mention that I’ve lived with my grandparents since I was 15, so our paths didn’t cross much.

In conclusion, what I wanted to clarify is that it’s not the fact that I don’t accept her or her kids—it’s the fact that they are literally strangers to me. I think the best alternative is to speak with her directly, tell her the truth, and extend the invitation just to her, since it’s not her fault either.

I’ll invite her daughters to the celebration after everything but not to the graduation itself, and I’ll have a serious conversation with my dad once again about my boundaries.

Here are the top rated comments:

HMS_Slartibartfast says:

If you invite her now, you won't be setting a solid boundary with your father. You may want to call her and be very clear you do not feel comfortable with her there.

You may need to put it in a context she will understand, such as "Would you be comfortable with me as your MOH for your wedding to my father?" or some similar culturally appropriate position. Make sure she knows this isn't personal, especially as you don't know her well enough for you to do so.

OK_Young1709 says:

Letting her come isn't setting boundaries, it's letting your father win, and her daughters will be coming too. Up to you but I doubt it will work unless she actually has a brain, which I doubt as she was happy for your dad to pay for her daughters education and not yours.

SmashedBrotato says:

So, you're not maintaining your boundaries, and your father will continue to steam roll them. Especially if you wait to have the conversation until afterwards.

StrangeBotwin7 says:

Yeah thats going to backfire. Dont invite someone and say their kids cant come. Thats even worse. Grow a spine or get over it.

What do you think?