'AITA for being upset about twins because I'm a failure if I can't afford private school?'
"AITA for my reaction to finding out my wife is pregnant with twins?"
Empty-Researcher-856 writes:
I'm a 37M, and my wife Julie (35F) and I have two sons together (5M and 3M). We're solid financially, but we both have intense jobs (I work around 60 hours a week). I already felt spread too thin with our sons and jobs, and I also want to make sure I can pay for my boys to go to private school and college.
I didn’t have much financial support growing up, and I don’t want my kids to worry about money like I did. It all felt more manageable with two kids, but Julie has always wanted three. She told me this when we first met in college before we were even dating. She’s an only child, and I think she likes the idea of a big family, with her kids having siblings to play with.
About a year ago, Julie raised the idea of trying for a third. With everything going on, I tried to convince her that two was the right number for our family. But it still meant a lot to Julie to have three kids.
I had told her before we got married that I was open to having three, and after a lot of conversations, I was ultimately willing to try for another. To her credit, Julie left her job at a firm to do government work, which reduced her salary but gave her more time to be there for the kids.
Julie is now three months pregnant. We had an appointment yesterday and found out we’re having twins. Both of us were shocked. I honestly wanted to scream, but she seemed thrilled. When we got into the car, Julie said I looked like I was going to cry.
I expressed that I’m terrified and genuinely don’t know how I’m going to manage four kids. Three was already a stretch, and doubling our number of children feels overwhelming. I told her that I feel like I need to leave my job and find something less time-consuming, but I’d feel like a failure if I couldn’t provide the life I always envisioned for our kids (i.e., private school, college paid for).
It feels like I have to choose between making sure my kids are financially secure and having close relationships with each of them. Julie said we’d figure it out, but I told her I needed some time to think. She kept trying to talk through it with me, even though I told her to give me a minute.
Julie then asked if I was a little excited, and I snapped and said no. She got teary and said I was being a d%#k, asking how I couldn’t be excited about our children. She said she’s overwhelmed too, and that I hadn’t even asked how she felt.
I pointed out that she was the one who wanted to grow our family and had zero reservations about three, so I didn’t realize she was overwhelmed about the twins. Julie started crying and said I was being a jerk. She’s been upset ever since and has been staying away from me.
I admit I was harsh in the moment and have tried to apologize, expressing that I want to support her in this. But I also feel it’s fair for me to be stressed, given the circumstances, and I wish she could see where I’m coming from. AITAH?
Here are the top comments from readers:
hiimmichellee says:
Just saying my parents couldn't afford to send me to private school or pay my college and theyre still the best parents in my eyes.
Lizardcase says:
I cried in the car when I left my OB’s office after learning we were expecting twins. My husband was also visibly upset. It’s normal to be overwhelmed by that news. Just about everyone who wasn’t planning on twins in my Moms of Multiples group said the same- they cried too.
For me, and my husband, it was a rollercoaster of emotions as we came to terms with it. We had 9ish months to prepare. And we did get excited by the time they got here. Truth be told, it was hard for the first few months but listen. You can make it. You will make it work, and you will fall in love with them and laugh at the trepidation you’re having right now. I promise.
WillingnessFit8317 says:
Not going to hurt your kids to go to public school.
ladyfeyrey says:
Just my 2 cents, I used to nanny for a living, three kids is the WORST number. It is always 2 against one, it varies which 2 against which 1, but it is a pain. 4 is a great number, they kind of form a pack or team up and entertain each other. I completely understand being overwhelmed, but maybe this is a silver lining for you to find.